我不说不代表我不介意、就算我说了也不代表我计较小气。
是因为你对我来说是个很重要的朋友、我不愿因为一个人而闹僵我们彼此的感情。

如果有一天你看到了这篇文章、读完过后不要心急来找我问来龙去脉 因为对着你我说不出难听的话。

我说我对她有兴趣、她也因为这样而开始关注我们、首先是不好意思面对质问我 就找你问关于我的事情、你却叫她直接来问我 而且你也知道我不喜欢别人通过另一个人来得知我的事情。

最后她找上我 问了该问的 聊了一些有得没得。但因为她当时还和男友纠缠不清 却又不处理、所以搞得我和她私下在暧昧。
因为我不喜欢偷偷摸摸 再加上她有男友 所以我说我不去追。结果后来得知你们俩原来私底下也有一段模糊不清的地下情。虽然我知道你们俩只是得空没事做 只是在玩玩爽而已。而且你在现实中已经心有所属 所以跟她也不会认真起来。我都睁一只眼闭一只眼听过就算了 也劝过你别玩出火 免得难收场。

后来我好像照常那样没事 一起和大家聊天 她就突然私邀我 和我埋怨她和男友的事 又叫我陪她。过后就因为抱着 “好吧、反正我没事做” 的心态去应酬她 、结果想要追她的念头又来了 只好硬着头皮 赌一赌这局 直接私信她的男友宣战 跟他说我要追他的女友、不出所料 她男友很爽快的迎战了。

那次之后小妹和你对我有莫名的生气、说怎么我刚开始说不追 现在却跑去追了 。你不要忘记那时候才第二天 而且我追我喜欢的女孩是我自己的决定 我在决定追她当时我也已经事先跟你子啊私下商量了 你没给我很多的意见 就任我去做我要做的、不告诉小妹是觉得没有必要要告诉她而已 再加上我觉得她生我气是在吃小醋 不是真的在气为啥我没告诉她 而且她一向来也不赞同我去追已有另一半的人、我又不是偷偷摸摸、我是明追 明示、对方待她不好我才说把她追过来。

我承认 我自己也很犯贱、因为觉得网上太无聊 想要找个人追追 玩玩 暧昧一下 所以才选择她。但后来发现她跟我的前度有够力像 而开始对她反感。我也知道这样对她很不公平 她们是两个人 根本不能够比。但某些个性来说真的有相似的地方 难免会勾起我和前度的回忆。

后来追追下追不下去 、发现她其实很单纯对感情也是笨得可以 (而且一直在她身上看到前度的身影 很不舒服）。从一开始就不应该碰的危险类型女孩———— 会要求现实化的女生、是我在网恋的避忌。结果我追还不满一个月就放弃了 当时她还刚刚和男友说好分手。 感觉就好像 我逼她和她男友分开过后却又把她抛弃、好像在给她双重打击。

老实说 我对她还是会去关注。还是会想知道她的就近、但同时我也知道一旦再和她缠上 下次就没那么容易摆脱、只好硬着头皮忍耐着不去找她的念头。

我只能说 这个女人 我伤不起。

后来我和她算告了个段落、你又告诉我你和她私下又在玩。我听了过后只有" I actually expected this coming, but I didnt know you'll fall for it that easily." 的想法。 而且老实说啦、你也知道她这个女人不只是单纯的"想玩就玩"的女人。我不知道你跟她一起的时候到底是说些什么话题 但我知道这个女人如果继续夹在我和你中间的话、我们迟早会因为她而吵架。因为我介意。

我不出声是因为我相信你的判断力 我相信你多多少少也会察觉到。你可以说我想太多、但你是我唯一一个能够称得上为基友的朋友 我不可以不提醒你 你现实中还有另一个比这个网路上的她还真实的他。

我其实不接受你说你在网路上 对她没办法say no、因为实在太寂寞。.
.....-拍- 什么屁话啦、网路上的寂寞我都可以帮你弥补 为啥偏偏要找我追/喜欢过的女人来帮你过时间?
你说我吃醋也好 小气也好 至少如果是我的话还有商有量、不用加多一个刺心的女人在中间碍事。

一直到你跟我说你和她谈好了 不再继续玩、我还安心了点。但同时我也知道你迟早会心软找回她。结果真的、因为几天不上线 你就跟我说她会不会怎样 什么什么的、我跟你说她绝对不会去做傻事、她只是暂时离开一下网路而已。但最后你还是去找她问个答案来、问了还跑来跟我说"真的不该去找她.....后悔了"、你看吧 。

过后你还跟我说了 她说喜欢你。我听了之后 、一上车关了车门就一路臭脸回到家。我在气她为啥可以那么bitch 一失恋还有和我暧昧过还不放过你、但我更气你 、你明知道她是刚失恋不久+被甩 还要跑去跟她玩在一起、明明知道这个阶段她谁都会拿来当救生圈 你还会要跟她玩。我已经跟你说了不要理她 让她自己过完她那段失恋期的阶段 这样才会好起来。过不久还收到你的信息说你和她又打回原形的那种关系。

我简直翻白眼。我介意、因为当初如果不是喜欢的话也不会想追。
但如果你真的一定要对方是她、来跟你玩、我就退出、完完全全退出 让给你玩。我不再找她 试着不再去介意 不再去想、只听你要跟我说的话就好、只相信你就好。

看完就算，我憋在心里很久 除了你就没有一个了解我们的状况的人可以发泄、问题是你也是角色之一 我实在说不出口。 只好在网路上放肆一下。

到最后我还是那句、因为你的想法你的感受对我来说比较重要，我选择不去介意。更何况是一个不值得去介意的一个人、还是挺你好点。

What's wrong with me?

Something's been up lately, mood swings, ups and downs.
I dont want to talk about it to anyone else , but keeping it all in isnt going to help me any good.
The internet is the only option for me to be presumptuous now.

If you ask me, what's on my mind, I think it would probably be the problem of my RELATIONSHIP(S) stories/drama/experience.
Or whatever shit that's suitable enough to describe that.

I have this feeling, it seems like all the passed crushes I've ever liked, are somehow being snatched away slowly. I wonder if it's my problem? Am I being too OKAY with everything?

If I really do mind or care about it, should I voice out my concerns? Or is it even my right to talk about it at all?

Each time, I heard stories about my passed crushes, it bothers me.
Its not that I still care about them nor do I still like them, it's just, the first line that came up to my head is :

You know my histories with that person and you know I used to like him/her , so why on earth do you want to go after them if you know I have been hurt by them before?

"I talked about them infront of you, you seemed okay, so I thought you didnt care/don't mind."
"If you really do mind then why didnt you just tell me ???"
"For fuck sake , I told you to tell me straight if you're unhappy with anything !!"
"Why are you being such a drama queen about this, its not like he/she was ever yours."
"So , are you trying to blame me for chasing after him/her? I thought we were friends."
" Eh please la! He/She is the one who came after me! Its not me going after them okay!!"
"Its him/her la !! I only layan him/her because he/she's a friend of yours."
" What the fuck are you getting jealous about now?!"
"........"
"....."
"..."


All these endless compliments are constantly running through my mind everytime when I'm hesitating if I should say "ACTUALLY, I DO MIND."

Its not even about jealousy or being possessive over someone I used to like.
Its just,

Whenever I recall my memories with that person , it aches.
So, why would you ever think about going after someone who actually hurt your best friend?

Maybe Im over reacting, it's not really a big deal afterall, because to me, I'd rather be more concern about my best friend's feelings than my ex-crushes feelings and myself.

"Ohh...... I know what to do now, as long as next time I dont ever mention about his/her story when you're around then can loh."

Then let me ask you, what are best friends for if you have to avoid certain topics in front of each other?
They are more important than any other crush I ever had, what and how they think of me ,matters.

对着什么样的朋友 谁是神谁是鬼、我都知道。
谁是真心对待 谁是表面上的关心、谁只是在敷衍应酬、我也知道。
如果真心付出了却得不到同等的对待、自己心知有数、我不会浪费时间去跟对方得个明白。我只能说、原来对他来说 我们的友谊只到这种程度。

我选择去相信对我重要的人、就算明知道他们的缺点还是会继续爱他们。


In the end, let's just conclude it like this :

I, OVERTHINK, OVER-REACTED.
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Oh c'mon, cant I rant whenever I feel like it?

In Love With Love

Lately, Im obsess with this song. Such pure feelings. Its totally what I need these days, to keep my mind calm.

xxx

Mai Kuraki (倉木麻衣, Kuraki Mai)

Koi ni Koishite (恋に恋して)

In Love With Love

English Translation Lyrics

Just by falling in love with loving you

I still want to say

Because I'm happy by just keeping it as a secret

Now it's only my secret love

I'm not interested in you at all - that's a lie, you are my perfect guy

I can't hide my heartbeat, the truth is I can't help but notice it

I'm acting like a different person in front of you because of this fall-in-love clumsy style

It stays as a secret I can't tell anyone

Even with that, I'm alright, no one can understand

the origin of love, right?

Surely, I believe this love will come true one day

Yet, it isn't the last chance for me

Imagining lots of love stories in this heart

But the these ideals are still very far

I'm selfish - That's what I do know

But is it somehow not good?

Just by falling in love with loving you

I still want to say

Because I'm happy by just keeping it as a secret

Now it's only my secret love

Just by thinking of you

My heart beat won't stop

It becomes fun, but also anxious

At this rate, there's no good in being a coward

Please give me even a bit of courage, God

But I'm saying bye bye to myself who was here up to now

I'm here to tell my love...

Just by waiting patiently, surely nothing will start at this point

Yeah it is the best chance for me

Imagining lots of love stories in this heart,

But how long is it until I can reach those ideals?

I'm selfish - forgive me at least for that

I want to be the only one for you

Just by falling in love with loving you

I still want to say

Because I'm happy by just keeping it as a secret

Now it's only my secret love 

xxx

#

From stranger, became lovers, back to friends, turned into strangers, friends all over again, back to lovers, then back to friends again, and now we are in a friendship just like strangers.

I wish we never take the second chance. I wish we never see things clear. I wish I didnt know about you and you didnt know about me. I wish I never loved you, and you never loved me. I wish we never fell in love.







I just wish I hadnt met you.

Friendships are weird.

Sometimes, I have this thought when I see different groups of friends hanging out with their own types of types. Like for example, the nerd group have their nerd friends, the girly-girls have their own girly friends, I mean , friends are people who share something similar with you that's why you are connected with them, sorta? I think.

Friendships are great. I love my 3 best friends, we are all with different backgrounds, and I have to admit they are all really awesome people. One of them is extremely good at writing, one of them is ridiculously incredible, one of them is a law student. I turn to them whenever I have something troubling me. They might not be the best helper but they definitely give the best advises. Sometimes they'll say something ugly but they are usually right about things. Best friends see better I guess.

I personally mix around with all kinds of people. Even with some people whom are known to be unlikable among some group of my friends. Surprisingly, I see they seem to have their own best friend, so I thought "hey they have their best friend, that proofs that they arent so bad of a person after all , it only takes the right type of people to mix around with."

Back then in primary school, I use to follow gangs of friends. Like , this gang of people likes to talk about this , so I will go home and actually read stuffs about what they usually talk about and the next day blend in with them. That's how I mix friends back then, I remember there's this girl in my class, who's like the whole class is boycotting her because she was nasty. I talked to her once or twice alone, I think she's kind of an okay girl. But the naive me back then doesnt want to be part of the boycotting-girl's friend, I choose to be mean to her for no reason.

Yeap, I was an asshole back then you can say.

After I started to draw, I normally just get drunk in my own passion and zone-out everything around me, including friends. Until I started secondary school, my whole life changed. I decided to make my own friends, play my own rules, instead of following others. I had my first crush when I was 13, I forgot how and when it actually started, but I know he's that one person that made my heart skips a beat. I made friends who love to draw like I do, we even came together and created a book of magazine selling it in school illegally . Ha, luckily we didnt get caught. Now that I wonder, where did the money we earned went? We were all young and innocent, the purpose of doing that is just because we love to draw.

Lots of things happened in secondary school, I start to become more daring and develop more courage in me towards the people and the situation around me. I began to have that bitchy side of me . Growing up makes me realize things , makes me think a lot, the more I thought the more mature my brain gets.

Friends.
Hi-Bye friends, Strange friends, Came-across friends, I-seen-him/her-before-but-dont-know-him/her friends, Familiar-face friends, Cute friends, Stupid friends, Clumsy friends, Awkward friends, Funny friends, Fake friends, Real friends.

I came across all kinds of friends. Some are still keeping in touch (Facebook), some are long gone. My dad said something very useful/meaning once : You only need one or two close friends in your entire life.

And Im glad, I found mine.

Thanks guys, you're the best :)

So, Brian and I stopped. Dating.
I would say we broke up but he said if I put it "breaking up" it sounded mean. lol So we just stopped.

Why?
Honestly, I knew this day would come. Just didnt expect to be that soon. Yes I do feel sad, it's a waste that we didnt work out. I loved him, but now that we know it wouldnt work for us if we go into a "romance" relationship, one thing I can feel is our friendship is strong. Well, not to say strong, its more like, secure. We talked about anything, and everything. More likely.

I appreciate him being honest with me all this while , that's probably one thing I love about him at the first place. Being persistent and honest.

As for Jack, he does what he like.

We talked yes, but less. Lesser and lesser each day goes by. He said he's going to US to study, something about creative literature writing and such. To improve his story writing. He said the course takes up to a couple of years but he wants to finish it in within a year. I thought if the course is that long then you'll have to study that long? So I dont quite get what he meant by that , its fine. He's information were never clear, he's still the same.

The same as in, never gave me any clear information when I asked about it.

I really dont know what he want this time. Just appear and say hi again? or he came back for something else? I dont know. Im tired of guessing. Im tired of asking. because I dont even know what or how to ask him in order to get the answer Im looking for.

He come as he likes and go as he wants.

As if he's putting me on a hook or something.

How can you be like that Jack?
Its almost 6 months since we broke up, nothing changed. Or is it because I cant see it? Or is it because Im the one who changed?

Brian told me, never go back to your ex, you'll end up realizing why you left him at the first place and get heart broken all over again. I trust his words, coz everything he said makes sense.

Part of me is chasing something back, part of me is pushing it away at the same time.

Love eh? I wish I never treat it serious.

So, I was told that calling by her given name wasnt a good idea afterall.

Well then, everything is back to how it was. (I decided)
I'll call him Brian. And I believe for some reason, he wants to treat me back as Zen instead of Ven.
I dont really mind which name Im being called.

If he calls me Zen, I'll be Zen. Completely Zen.
If he calls meVen/Hsin, I'll be myself. Let loose and be free.

If he calls me Hsin but see me as Zen. Honestly Im stuck. But I'll learn to get use to it if I have to.

*Lesson: Never. Again.