How can I not love you , Brian

Me = Zen
Brian

Sometimes I hate IMVU because I know one day for sure something like this will happen.

People say IMVU is just a game, dont be serious.

It's not a game. I'm not a playing piece.

But how can you not be serious, when you know the person you are talking to is actually a real person with emotions

I never agree the fact that they say this is a game. This is not a game to me, not the way I see. IMVU is more like a lesson.

i've learned more from people on here than i ever have irl

That's my point.

some of my closest friends are from here. and i'll do everything in my power to keep them as friends even if they leave imvu. or i do.

Shit happens here, all kinds of shit. Just because everyone thinks its okay to 'play' , it'll turn out to be a big tragic.

because im not just friuends with an avatar. im friends with the person sitting at the computer. their personality.

when you take away. everything you know. being judged for how you look. how you act. how you talk. how you laugh. people are more real than ever. because they're not afraid to just be themselves.

Mhm

everyone's here for one reason. even if they deny it. they have to be someone theyre not in real life.

That's why I know I will never ever, EVER , find a second person to love as much as I love you

-wraps my arms around you and pulls you close- I love you too..

I kept asking myself "why you? why does it have to be you? someone from the other side of the world. Just why? " ... There wont be a future for us together , never. I know this very very clear.

We dated. But Im thankful that you stop it.

Coz I know it'll hurt even more if you didnt stop it.

I'd be willing to go to the ends of the earth to be with you. why cant there be a future for us? sure. money. could be a problem. but if you want something enough you'll fight for it.

No Brian. There's no future for us.

Im not afriad if I have to travel half way across the world to find you, Im not afriad to work day and night to earn the money, Im not afriad if you get sick and you cant live long, non of that even matters to me.

So why not just stop here, before we walked too far away ?

That's why I told myself before when I started IMVU, what happens here, stays in here. Im never ever going to take out anything that's happen in here. Coz I know its impossible.

Jack was a very good lesson for me , I tried . But it ends up this way, Im just enough of all that .

so i guess thats it.

I told you before , I dont want to start anything more than friends with you, because anything more than friends will end, but friendship wont. That's the only thing Im confident in holding on to.

sorry i need a few minutes

I love you for everything you are. I only heard about your stories from what you've told me , I might not be the one who witnessed you going through all your hard times/good times during this whole time , but Im definitely the one who's never stop watching you from far away. I said you're the best thing that's ever happened to me wasnt a lie. It's not just something that came up to my mind, because I know I really did fall for the real you.

And it's really a selfish thing to do if I know there wont be a future for us and yet I still drag you into this.

Hurting you is the only thing I dont ever want to do, but this is not under my control. Im so...so sorry.

I'm not hurt. just more of a reality check i wasnt ready for.

Every song just makes me think of you.

in a way. im proud that i taught you it's more than. just imvu. but it hurts that you wont fight for it. It won't kill me though. if im not the person you'll fight for than you will find someone else you'll find and you'll know why this had to happen.

lol

Trust me, if I could fight for you, I will do it even if it kills me.

you could. but you

you're afraid to

You're right. I am afraid.

Of losing you. Losing this friendship. Even if you said it'll never happen.

You're still precious to me. There's not only memories between us.

I cherish it.

I'm not a liar Zen. I wouldn't give up unless i've been given up on. You would never lose me as a friend unless you told me it just couldnt be anymore. a relationship is nothing more than friends. a label that says its okay to be more intimate with them. that's all it is. and when you love someone. there is no way for it to just be friendship. because you know you share on a more deeper level than you do with anyone else. no matter how hard you fight that. you can never stop it. never.

i. dont care what you look like. i dont care what language you speak natively. i dont care where youre from. where you live. i dont care if youre male or female. i dont care. i understand you. you understand me more than anyone i've ever met. im in love with who you are. not what you are. i know. even if you would show up on my doorstep. totally different than what you said. i would know you never lied. because a lie is something we all wish could be true. and here. you can be. you. its a new start. it's just secrets. and im not even sure if this is making sense. but im trying to say. the person here. is who i am. and who you are.

Why do you have to do that....O_Q...

Why do you have to say something like that

because thats what youre afraid of. not of losing me. im fighting for you. if you fought for me too. you would never, ever lose me. you're afraid of lies. what you percieve as lies anyway.

This is so unfair

How can you be so perfect

I'm not perfect. nowhere near.

x'D

i just. know you.

Better than I know myself

-runs my thumb across your cheek- I hope you choose to be happy.. I really do.

I used to think Im the one who's giving you empty hopes, all of my fears just cover up the fact that you're actually the one who's fighting for hope

Im just blinded by the fears I have in me. Im such an idiot.

you're not an idiot either :I

none of us are perfect. but two broken halves do make a whole.

But that sure as hell doesn't make us idiots.

lol

This comversation just took place for the whole night. It hurts me to know the ugly truth about him being gay and Im a girl. Even if I come clean to him , Im afraid I'll destroy this friendship. 

But,

He guaranteed. If I dont fight for him, and just give up like that, I will be destroying this friendship for sure. Nothing matters to me, money isnt a problem, distance isnt a problem. But gender is a huge problem for me. 

I thought Im giving you hope, I thought I'll be able to protect you to stay as a guy image infront of you, I thought the level of my love for you is more than enough to be the reason to stop things in between us. Because you're too precious, I couldnt afford to lose you. 

Im blinded by my fears, and the main problem is : I underestimated you Brian. 

I only thought of how much I care for you, how much I cherish our present relationship, I never thought of how the way you felt for me. I know you like me alot, I know you will do anything to make us happen. You're willing to fight for me. You're willing to bet everything you have to make us happen. 

But at the same time, I know you're not prepared to handle the whole truth.

I know you still cant handle everything. Until then my image will be totally destroy and your ideal-Zen will be gone forever. 

Zen never existed . He is just a reflection of my inner self. The other me conducting my inner ego to make things work and giving hope to despair in the virtual world. I did helped alot of people, at the same time I gave too much empty hope to people as well. Im sorry if the inner me have these loads of attraction to the virtual world. 

Im not proud of what I've done, but I felt comforted knowing that there's still someone who knows the real me and is willing to love me for who I am.

I would say, give me some time to think it through. Most importantly, give yourself some time to prepare for the worst truth of all times.

Be prepared for yourself, to handle the Real Me.

I didn't run away.

I didnt run away. Im always here. I have already reached a certain point where I could not go anymore further with you. Please forgive me.

If I go on further I'll break you and break myself.
Unless miracles happen, for example, you're not gay and you accept me.

No, that's not a miracle. A miracle is the next day when I woke up I became a guy. So that I could go to you.

Like HELL such non-sense will happen, not even in your dreams.

Its hard not to let you know about the truth. I know the ending already, it wouldn't be pleasant, and I might end up losing you. You might hate me too. After all this time it was a lie.

You're right, it WAS a lie, A lie about not telling you that Im actually a girl.

You are so broken, and yet you still remind so perfect to me. You know me too well, you even knew something about me that I wouldnt even know myself.

You'll always be my precious little Brian. Doesnt matter if Im a girl or a guy, you are still precious to me, and only me.

Your Musics

Your musics will be the best companion I'll ever have to pass my everyday.

Im sorry I cannot answer to your confession. No more second Phill. Especially not to you. I'll be the bad-guy side .

You have no idea how much I wanted to own you. I just cant.

Love you to Death - Kamelot
Moonlight - Kamelot
Skinny Love - Birdy
Word as Weapons- Birdy
Crazy (Rock Mix) - Royal Bliss
I See Fire - Ed Sheeran
Secret - The Pierces
Bleed Out - Blue October
Calling You - Blue October
The Suffering - Coheed and Cambria
Angels On The Moon - Thriving Ivory

etc.

You'll always be precious to me.

BRIAN.

#IMVUStories

I remember how we met, I remember how we went.

I remember all your goods', I remember all your bads'.

I remember you left me for some ass hole, and get yourself hurt all over again.

I remember the times I stayed with you, listened to you, talked to you, making you feel better, making you feel protected, making you feel precious.

You were once being so precious to me, the scars you gave me is gone, but I can still remember the feelings and the pain I had on me once.

Why do I have to know you through social media ?
Why do I have to met you through this way ?
Why do I have to meet you in this form of lies ?

Why can't you just be mine?

These feelings were there for a long time, it never left, never gone.
Hurting you is the last thing I would ever want to do to you.
You are still precious to me.

But unfortunately we can't be together. Not like this. Not in this life. Not in this form.

Next life, I want to be a guy.

Friendzone, OFF

You're the one who doesn't want to continue this friendship, you unfriend me in IMVU and change your names doesn't mean that I dont know it's you. I dont care what kind of excuse you are going to give me next time.

I gave you enough chances, not once, not twice, but continuously I'm lying to myself by giving stupid reasons saying that there's still a chance if you'd do something or make some changes. Foolishly Im still waiting for some sort of miracles to happen in between us.

You chose to draw off the friendzone line, Dont say I did it without letting you know, because you started it.

I really did love you, its like insanely crazy in love with you, but this love is making me feel insecure , your memories will never fade, ever.

Take care, Bye Jack.

16th July

Its 16th today, but unfortunately I couldnt wish you.
I ate brownies today, suddenly I missed the awful brownies I baked before... haha

Well,

Happy Birthday Dan :)

Throwing this friendship away

When people make you feel unwanted, dont leave to make them feel sad or guilty, they wont. Leave because you no longer have a reason to stay. Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. What's meant to be will end up good and what's not wont. Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you cant be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they dont, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you.

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As said, I was still mad after what happened with Dan and I. I was the blame for everything that happened in between us, he said.

Well, I made my choices, since he longer cherish this relationship, nor even our friendship, this time I'll be the one throwing him away.

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Hey Dan,

If you ever have the chance to see this, I just wanted to let you know,

You wont be the one throwing me away, cause I'll be the one throwing you away this time.
I hesitated for a while whether to give us a chance or to give myself some more time to think about it.
Call me stubborn , foolish, naive, just call me whatever you want, probably that's just me.

Although Jack and I met online, and went into "dating". Online dating then into a relationship I thought we were to be -- "Long-distance relationship". I wouldnt have noticed it doesnt count as a "long distance relationship" if both side hasnt "met" in real/in person yet. Just like Jack and I. But one thing I know is, the time I spend talking to him, online, on Facebook, on Whatsapp, on whatever social media we could think of, those stories and topics we shared werent false. Those emotional times, arent made-up, it's not an illusion , its not a "brain-wash" type of feeling, nor "hypnotized/mixed/confused/unclear" feeling, which YOU, define it as "fake-relationship". I do love him, I did thought of a future with him, no matter how impossible it would look / sound like. Non of my friends and family , including you, ever encourages my relationship with Jack, because they knew it wouldnt work. I hold on to him for so long, its not because "its too late to say no" , its because I can tell how much I meant to him. I know he loves me a lot, even though now we broke up, yes we BROKE UP. I DID had a relationship with him for a year, so there IS something call "break up" in between us.

After the break up, I still believe he did loved me for real, coz the patience he has for me, the care he gave to me, the love he shared with me, those werent fake, no matter how clever his disguise ( if he is hiding) is, there's no way he would share this much secret and emotions with me throughout this whole year of relationship. 

I really dont like the way you see Jack, your disrespectful attitude towards him. You have no right to judge him that way and he doesnt deserve to be said this way. I hate it when you always bring up something about him and put the blame on me for being stupid for believing him.

What do you know about him? You dont. So dont judge.

You said I always hold on to my phone when we hangout, of course I have to, he is still a person and by that time Jack and I were still together. You took my phone away when his message came up, you tried stopping me from checking, why? Is it because it's unfair to you because we were "hanging out" and Im focusing on ?MY ONLINE BOYFRIEND? If you're jealous just say so, dont act like a kid trying to "make things clear" to me on whats going on with Jack and I.

You said you like me and I was happy to know that. I never ever see you as a second choice, I did thought of starting a relationship with you but you were too impatient to go along with me even our friendship. You are smart, funny, strong, caring, and so much more Im still looking forward to see. Just because I had an "online relationship" during the time we met, you put two things together and mixed my online relationship with our friendship together and make things look ugly in between us. By calling me naive and ignorant towards MY online relationship situation.

Seriously its my business , why do you want to care so much about it? Does it bother you because you like me? or does it bother you because someone else from the other side of the world has my heart and not yours? If so what on earth are you jealous about ?  You had the chance to hangout with me but my so-called boyfriend from across the world wouldnt even Skype me on webcam. Itsnt it clear enough for you? Its obvious you stand a larger chance to be with me , IF YOU FUCKING TRY HARDER.

You fool. You idiotic, impatient, your intolerance attitude, blew this chance. 

I tried to save this friendship. I made a move. Did you do anything ? besides blaming me and pointing out all the problems instead of making a solution. Doing something , fight for something you want, have you ?

No. All you do is get interested in people whenever you're bored and throw them away when you're done with them.

Dont wait for something to happen, fight for something if you really want it. You'll lose your chances and regret the rest of your life one day.

Im not anybody to you, Im just a passer by at this point to you. But you'll forever be a "somebody" to me even if our friendship only existed in our memories. You showed me maturity, you showed me security, you showed me intimacy, I can never forget that even if its just a short period of time.  Dont be scared to fight for something you love, dont see everything in a logical way, life would be much more hopeful if you dare to step forward first instead of waiting for them to respond.

Things does change if you stay positive.Good luck with finding another person in your life.

Loved,
Lucky Star :')

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