My last post was on the April, and now its already July. I've missed months to update this thing.
So I guess I could do a little update now.
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Well my recent status would be : Waiting for the time to fly to UK.
I've paid what I need to pay, submit what I need to submit, booked what I need to book. I got my Visa too xD So far so good I guess.
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Lately, amazing things happened to me. ( I could say, maybe)
About ?
I think Im inLove.
I dont know how he did it but he really pushed me to my limits and I just cant take it anymore. He made me confessed everything.
2 months ago, I was still busying with my business, online every night and most of all, my favorite social network site : IMVU.
As usual, I like to come online with Zen's account. Just usual chatting, meeting people, visiting old friends. Until one time, I bumped into this Room, and I met him. He was chatting with his friend I guess, I was rather quiet for the first few minutes, but then his friend went to bed, so I thought I should leave the room too, but instead I choose to stay and have a little chat with him.
Im glad, I stayed.
That day onwards, we continue keeping contact with each other, chatting if we're both online, sending messages if we cant meet up online. It was just something we have to do each day, to know each other's happenings, it became a habit to both of us. We started to fall for each other (male to male) , I felt it, and I think he felt it too, but the thing is he never really proposed to move into another step, probably I thought it was his ex that he hasnt get over yet (at that time). So I took a bet, and tried to ask him : I cant imagine if we're dating. He giggled and replied : Wanna try ? . I try to act dumb and pretend I dont understand his point, he continued : We could try to date .
Try to date. That's what he said.
So we dated, at first things was going well, as usual like my previous relationships on here, not moving too fast, or getting too real. I kinda like that feeling. He knows what I want, he just gets me easily without me telling him anything. By the way, I couldnt imagine two Tops can date (he's a top too, like Zen) , this time, Im the bottom, sorta. He isnt like the other guys I've met in here, most of them in here I met at least more than half of them will get into dirty talks and starts to flirt around trying to get you dirty minded. But this guy, he's just different. He took care of me (Zen) , comforting me, I felt loved. I mean seriously, I really felt his love.
He bought a phone just to come online to chat with me when he's at work. He's (22) a bartender, working all night till morning. I said I want to stay until he get off work, but he force me to go to bed, he knew I was sleepy. I just cant resist him, so I'll listen to what he said. next morning, we woke up more or less the same time, maybe 10 minutes early or later than each other (His time is 2 hours ahead of mine) . So we still can have a short chat in the morning.
Im starting to really fall for him, Im not joking, I know myself, Im a very secretive person, if Im in the game (IMVU) , I wont pull myself too far away, I have my distance and my rules to keep. I wont go any further that'll involve into real life and virtual happenings. But one day, just that one day, I missed his birthday so I asked him what he wants I will gift him as a late birthday gift, he said he already have what he wants, that's having me ( Awh ♥) but I ask him to pick again, that doesnt count, so he said :
"Just for you to always be who you really are."
Tears just came running down my cheek once I read what he said. Now I really felt the fact about " Loving someone so much that'll make you cry" . I couldnt take the fact that Im actually lying to him about myself. It just frustrating each time we talk I felt guilty because I lied to him about myself. Lying about :
Im a girl. Zen doesnt exist.
My walls broke down, so I took up my guts and tells him the truth.
Zen: Do you trust me?
Him: I do.
Zen: You couldnt trust me.
Him: Why not ?
Zen: Im a liar. I always make up stories to create topics.
Him: I know. I do that too sometimes, but it doesnt bother me.
Zen: You dont understand ...I felt guilty and pressure all this while with you, I cant stand myself lying to you anymore, I really gotta stop this going on.
Him: Dont stop, No.
Zen: I gotta stop thinking too much...
Him: Look at me. Do you trust me ?
Zen: Of course I trust you.
Him: Then tell me what's wrong. I love you and you know that.
Zen: Im a girl , Im not a guy.
Him: That's it ? So my thoughts were true?
Zen: What ...? You knew ?
Him: Zen, come on, a girl always has their signs, I did suspected, but I believe one day you will tell me yourself, and you did :)
Zen: Awh ...
Him: I dont care if you're a girl or a guy, I just love you, only you.
** Well the conversation isnt really how it goes above, but the point is there.
That moment, the rock on my chest just falls off and I feel all relieved. I finally told him the truth. He didnt blame me, never did, instead he said he love me even more now. Which made me think Im really falling for this guy.
He told me he'll be visiting different places soon (Currently still living in Australia) for the job offers, UK is one of the place he'll go. He know Im going to UK this September. I never said anything about one day we'll ever meet up, but he just mentioned to me he'll drop by to meet me face to face when he got there. I dont know wather if he's just saying or trying to make me happy, but if its just a lie, Im still happy about it ♥ I wont get too excited and put too much hope. After all its something that MIGHT happen in a few months time. I'll still play my part. I wont push him nor myself to go further. Cause I always tell him : We've plenty of time in future, what's the rush?
But I wish it'll happen.
So I could continue a Love Story that I've always dream of, happening on my 21st ♥
###
Tuesday, 30 July 2013
Saturday, 20 April 2013
Movie Hunting
Lately , I've been to Sunway Pyramid continuously. Why ? To do the MARY CHIA treatment that my mom signed up for me last year. 28 days, continuously .
And so, I figured out to watch some movies .
There are a few movies I wanted to watch, but still, I follow my time.
Movies I watched in 2013:
#1 WARM BODIES
Romantic , funny , something new about this movie is that, he's one of the HOTTEST zombie I've seen so far xD Worth watching ~
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#2 OBLIVION
Hmm... What comment should I really say? It's kinda bored actually. No kidding, the story is bored, and it doesnt really make sense ,and also , I cant see the important message about the story is telling us ._.''
but the gadgets and vehicle are really COOL xD
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#3 THE CROODS
OMG, I can't stop laughing when Im watching this. Its amazing ! The effects , the ideas, the characters,the animals, the creatures ,they are all so new and fresh to me, surprisingly inspiring as well ! Must watch ! its worth it !
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#4 THE HOST
This movie , had a feeling when Im watching Twilight. Maybe coz its the author of Twilight, so the feelings are about the same too. Its like another unworkable love chain/relationship, but end up it worked out, so its cool xD not bad ~ Worth watching too ! and its a less action movie, more likely a romance movie.
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\#5 SAVING GENERAL YANG
THIS ! THIS IS THE MOST AWESOME MOVIE I'VE WATCHED AMONG ALL OF THEM, CHINESE HISTORY, THE WAR, THE STRONG MESSAGE TELLING US HOW IMPORTANT ARE FAMILIES AND SIBLINGS, I CANT SAY A SINGLE BAD POINT ABOUT THIS , ITS SOOOOO TOUCHING THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE MOVIE, I WANNA CRY, ALMOST THE WHOLE MOVIE I WANTED TO CRY FOR THEM, ITS REALLY REALLY GOOD !!! MUST MUST MUST MUST WATCH !
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Well, that's about it. The movies I wanted to watch I have already watched xD so lets see what more to go after in the coming week x)
Thursday, 10 January 2013
Friday, 4 January 2013
Like me ? I dont think so.
Sometimes I really dont understand what you want.
If you liked me, why wont you say you liked me ?
Instead, doing small shits to get my attention, are you really that LOA (Lack Of Attention) ?
I treat people very precisely. To people I like, and to those I hate.
I liked you once. But I got rejected twice. Do you expect me to go for the 3rd time ?
I dont think so Mister, rejected twice by the same person its enough pain for me.
From the day I know what you plan to do to my friend, Im dead with your attitude.
I told you did I ?
I texted you :" I give up "
So now, lemme ask you one more time:
Do you really like me ?
Or you're just enjoying being liked by me ?
Or you're just trying to get attention from some one els ?
You know what, actually it doesnt matter. I gave up, no point guessing something that doesnt matters to me anymore.
Enjoy your life, get your new "Attention " from someone els, but not me.
Im afriad that I'll tear up this friendship, if you're acting the same darn attitude once again.
You're a nice guy, but I dont think you deserve to be with a bad girl like me ;)
If you liked me, why wont you say you liked me ?
Instead, doing small shits to get my attention, are you really that LOA (Lack Of Attention) ?
I treat people very precisely. To people I like, and to those I hate.
I liked you once. But I got rejected twice. Do you expect me to go for the 3rd time ?
I dont think so Mister, rejected twice by the same person its enough pain for me.
From the day I know what you plan to do to my friend, Im dead with your attitude.
I told you did I ?
I texted you :" I give up "
So now, lemme ask you one more time:
Do you really like me ?
Or you're just enjoying being liked by me ?
Or you're just trying to get attention from some one els ?
You know what, actually it doesnt matter. I gave up, no point guessing something that doesnt matters to me anymore.
Enjoy your life, get your new "Attention " from someone els, but not me.
Im afriad that I'll tear up this friendship, if you're acting the same darn attitude once again.
You're a nice guy, but I dont think you deserve to be with a bad girl like me ;)
Friday, 28 December 2012
Commitment to Myself
Just came back from Singapore with family. This trip (actually it doesn't even count as a trip) was not as organize as it sound/look like. You see, my dad was sending some goods down to a Singapore company, and we BARELY reach on time ( 5 minutes till the off work time). After that, we dont know where els to go . so used my Bro's 920 for some advice on where to go . Who knows, half way on the road, his phone when out of battery and we're all lost ! Turn round and round to find a place we know/heard before so that we could get to my aunt's place for a stay over (1 night).............
but above all that , isn't the main point of this post and it has nothing to do with the topic.
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Finally, back home. Get to online, Facebook, checking mails, IMVU-ing.
Twitter, no special updates.
Facebook, 50+ notifications, checked. Reply all the messages ; Liked all the posts that are suppose to be Liked.
Gmail, Raffles hasnt reply anything yet. ( The Singapore Raffles)
IMVU, some friends said he would be online but he's not. No updates too.
When I was scrolling down Facebook, looking at friend's daily happenings, makes me feel so unfulfilled all of a sudden. They have so many things going on, photos everywhere, statuses again and again, love stories getting more dearing/lovely .
That was when I thought : What's up with MY LIFE then ?
Im done with my Diploma, Im not troubling any money issues, Im not in a hurry to work, Im not in need of love, I dont feel like Im alone, I can go anywhere I want in anytime.
BUT,
I know I need to search for universities to further my Degree course, I know I need to make my decisions by now, I know I need to sleep early and wake up early to get my time right on the clock again, I know I need to be clear on things I have to do, I know. Some part inside me it's like, trying to stop me from doing what I need to do now.
Im lazy to think of stuffs that I cant get the answer right away. My stupid brain will just ignore my problems and move on like nobodies business.
My life is some how, so FUCKED UP.
I, myself is FUCKED UP.
I need to make a change, I want to make a change, I HAVE TO CHANGE !
Should I stop IMVU for a while ?
Its not really bothering me, but it seems to be a habit for me to go online every night.
Should I start to sleep early?
I REALLY SHOULD, IM GOING TO DIE EARLY IF I STILL STAY UP THAT LATE.
Should I decide where to study by now ?
Hmm...tough question.
Raffles Singapore ? I think the course is what I need to study (but not I want to study)
MMU ? Nope, not under my list. Its like studying in a malay school.
LimKokWing ? The course is the same like Raffles Singapore, but the university itself makes me feel like Im going in there to waste my parent's money.
TheOneAcademy ? Actually I have my answer. I really think I have a high possibility to be studying there. Not the course that attracted me, its their study life-style. Pushing u to ur limits to improve. I need a really BIG PUSH to really improve myself. Like Jack, I can see his attitude towards his studies/interest. But if Im really going to further my degree in TheOne, what course should I actually take up ? It's like it would be a whole new level/type of study environment for me, facing totally different people compare to what I had been through in Saito .
Should I be more serious in the responsibilities Im having ?
I KNOW I SHOULD. Im taking too much sweet time for the 3D project Im doing with the guys, I know Im taking too much time. And my role in every freelance I take, I need to be more serious about it and make some commitment . I need to, I need to , I know I NEED TO.
...........What actually is bothering me right now ?
I start to love being alone. It sometimes irritates me when Im relaxing on my own and then someone coming up to kacau me. Im lazy to entertain , you know that. And now, I start to love shopping alone, because I can go out or come back when ever I want without worrying the time. Suddenly 1 call came up, and I have to do some plannings to suit up the time to meet up/go home.
What's wrong with me?
Im too LAZY to make a commitment on everything / to everyone.
**To Me: Please change yourself or els u're gonna be so dead in the future.**
but above all that , isn't the main point of this post and it has nothing to do with the topic.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Finally, back home. Get to online, Facebook, checking mails, IMVU-ing.
Twitter, no special updates.
Facebook, 50+ notifications, checked. Reply all the messages ; Liked all the posts that are suppose to be Liked.
Gmail, Raffles hasnt reply anything yet. ( The Singapore Raffles)
IMVU, some friends said he would be online but he's not. No updates too.
When I was scrolling down Facebook, looking at friend's daily happenings, makes me feel so unfulfilled all of a sudden. They have so many things going on, photos everywhere, statuses again and again, love stories getting more dearing/lovely .
That was when I thought : What's up with MY LIFE then ?
Im done with my Diploma, Im not troubling any money issues, Im not in a hurry to work, Im not in need of love, I dont feel like Im alone, I can go anywhere I want in anytime.
BUT,
I know I need to search for universities to further my Degree course, I know I need to make my decisions by now, I know I need to sleep early and wake up early to get my time right on the clock again, I know I need to be clear on things I have to do, I know. Some part inside me it's like, trying to stop me from doing what I need to do now.
Im lazy to think of stuffs that I cant get the answer right away. My stupid brain will just ignore my problems and move on like nobodies business.
My life is some how, so FUCKED UP.
I, myself is FUCKED UP.
I need to make a change, I want to make a change, I HAVE TO CHANGE !
Should I stop IMVU for a while ?
Its not really bothering me, but it seems to be a habit for me to go online every night.
Should I start to sleep early?
I REALLY SHOULD, IM GOING TO DIE EARLY IF I STILL STAY UP THAT LATE.
Should I decide where to study by now ?
Hmm...tough question.
Raffles Singapore ? I think the course is what I need to study (but not I want to study)
MMU ? Nope, not under my list. Its like studying in a malay school.
LimKokWing ? The course is the same like Raffles Singapore, but the university itself makes me feel like Im going in there to waste my parent's money.
TheOneAcademy ? Actually I have my answer. I really think I have a high possibility to be studying there. Not the course that attracted me, its their study life-style. Pushing u to ur limits to improve. I need a really BIG PUSH to really improve myself. Like Jack, I can see his attitude towards his studies/interest. But if Im really going to further my degree in TheOne, what course should I actually take up ? It's like it would be a whole new level/type of study environment for me, facing totally different people compare to what I had been through in Saito .
Should I be more serious in the responsibilities Im having ?
I KNOW I SHOULD. Im taking too much sweet time for the 3D project Im doing with the guys, I know Im taking too much time. And my role in every freelance I take, I need to be more serious about it and make some commitment . I need to, I need to , I know I NEED TO.
...........What actually is bothering me right now ?
I start to love being alone. It sometimes irritates me when Im relaxing on my own and then someone coming up to kacau me. Im lazy to entertain , you know that. And now, I start to love shopping alone, because I can go out or come back when ever I want without worrying the time. Suddenly 1 call came up, and I have to do some plannings to suit up the time to meet up/go home.
What's wrong with me?
Im too LAZY to make a commitment on everything / to everyone.
**To Me: Please change yourself or els u're gonna be so dead in the future.**
Saturday, 1 December 2012
Past Pains
<My Secret>
was meant to sing to you.
"....
我們之間的距離 好像忽遠又忽近
你明明不在我身邊 我卻覺得很親
Ha~ 有一種感覺我想說明
我心裡的秘密 是你給的甜蜜
我們之間的距離好像一點點靠近
是不是你對我也有一種特殊感情
Ha~ 我猶豫要不要告訴你
我心裡的秘密是我好像喜歡了你
...."
BUT, I was wrong . Very very wrong.
The sound of the pain its like hearing a very large glass falling down and crashed to the ground.
The unwilling-ness to believe what I just saw and wat I just heard, every single word, from you.
After that, driving back home. I dont know how to describe my feelings, its like, thousands of your voices in my mind. It was the words and sentences you told me. Repeating and repeating, again and again.... asking god, " Why GOD? Why him again ? Why ? Why ? WHY ??"
I can still remember the pain back then. Until today, I was listening to 林峰's 《爱不疚》，I realized the lyrics, its just how I felt , on that whole week.
"...
收藏在眼眸 常徘徊左右 爱 猜到没有 [We see each other almost everyday, can u believe it turned out this way ?]
愉快玩笑後 能全然退後 你 开心就够 [After what u told me, I'll smile and be happy for you, as long as u felt the same way too]
这种感觉太亲厚 讲一千句也不够 [I cant explain the tacit that we have together, no words can.]
假使讲了 你听到後或会走 [ If I ever told u how I feel for you, would you leave ? I dont want to take this risk of losing a friend like you]
这种恋爱太罕有 不需真正拥有 [What you're having now, its a miracle. I cant stop you ,right?]
成全 衷心祝福然後就放手 [The only thing I can say to u is, I wish u to be as happy as always.]
放手 放开所有 彼此更自由
放手 其实我绝非爱得不够
放手 豁出所有 还有这个好友
已经 已经足够
遥远是宇宙 静静在背後 去看守就够
这种感觉太亲厚 讲一千句也不够
即使一刹有过冲动 挽你手
这种恋爱太罕有 不需真正拥有
成全 多舍不得仍然 是放手
放手 放开所有 彼此更自由
放手 其实我绝非爱得不够
放手 豁出所有 还有这个好友
已经 已经足够
放手 我的牵挂 找不到尽头
放手 期望你幸福甚麽都有
也许 爱很深厚 然而我早看得透
放手 至可拥有
..."
I cant really tell you the pain I had after u told me. I wish I could tell you everything without worrying how will u think of me. U're a special friend to me, and I dont wish to do anything risky that will lead our friendship into an end. That's way, I decided not to tell you anything.
U said I can talk to you about anything anytime, actually Im really happy and again, satisfied.
Why?
Because U make me understand, Im not just a listener to you, and Im also a special friend to you too :)
That's the least I felt comforted about in our friendship. I understand we would never go pass any relationship further than friendship. But that's really more than enough for me.
Im glad, that I met someone like you :)
我放手了，你懂吗？
记得要好好守护这段爱哦 :D
我，衷心祝你们幸福 :)
was meant to sing to you.
"....
我們之間的距離 好像忽遠又忽近
你明明不在我身邊 我卻覺得很親
Ha~ 有一種感覺我想說明
我心裡的秘密 是你給的甜蜜
我們之間的距離好像一點點靠近
是不是你對我也有一種特殊感情
Ha~ 我猶豫要不要告訴你
我心裡的秘密是我好像喜歡了你
...."
BUT, I was wrong . Very very wrong.
The sound of the pain its like hearing a very large glass falling down and crashed to the ground.
The unwilling-ness to believe what I just saw and wat I just heard, every single word, from you.
After that, driving back home. I dont know how to describe my feelings, its like, thousands of your voices in my mind. It was the words and sentences you told me. Repeating and repeating, again and again.... asking god, " Why GOD? Why him again ? Why ? Why ? WHY ??"
I can still remember the pain back then. Until today, I was listening to 林峰's 《爱不疚》，I realized the lyrics, its just how I felt , on that whole week.
"...
收藏在眼眸 常徘徊左右 爱 猜到没有 [We see each other almost everyday, can u believe it turned out this way ?]
愉快玩笑後 能全然退後 你 开心就够 [After what u told me, I'll smile and be happy for you, as long as u felt the same way too]
这种感觉太亲厚 讲一千句也不够 [I cant explain the tacit that we have together, no words can.]
假使讲了 你听到後或会走 [ If I ever told u how I feel for you, would you leave ? I dont want to take this risk of losing a friend like you]
这种恋爱太罕有 不需真正拥有 [What you're having now, its a miracle. I cant stop you ,right?]
成全 衷心祝福然後就放手 [The only thing I can say to u is, I wish u to be as happy as always.]
放手 放开所有 彼此更自由
放手 其实我绝非爱得不够
放手 豁出所有 还有这个好友
已经 已经足够
遥远是宇宙 静静在背後 去看守就够
这种感觉太亲厚 讲一千句也不够
即使一刹有过冲动 挽你手
这种恋爱太罕有 不需真正拥有
成全 多舍不得仍然 是放手
放手 放开所有 彼此更自由
放手 其实我绝非爱得不够
放手 豁出所有 还有这个好友
已经 已经足够
放手 我的牵挂 找不到尽头
放手 期望你幸福甚麽都有
也许 爱很深厚 然而我早看得透
放手 至可拥有
..."
I cant really tell you the pain I had after u told me. I wish I could tell you everything without worrying how will u think of me. U're a special friend to me, and I dont wish to do anything risky that will lead our friendship into an end. That's way, I decided not to tell you anything.
U said I can talk to you about anything anytime, actually Im really happy and again, satisfied.
Why?
Because U make me understand, Im not just a listener to you, and Im also a special friend to you too :)
That's the least I felt comforted about in our friendship. I understand we would never go pass any relationship further than friendship. But that's really more than enough for me.
Im glad, that I met someone like you :)
我放手了，你懂吗？
记得要好好守护这段爱哦 :D
我，衷心祝你们幸福 :)
Thursday, 15 November 2012
"Eumy"
Odd right ? with a title "Eumy" ? haha..
this "Eumy", is actually a friend of mine, and guess what?
EUMY is a HE xD
Awesome right ??
He's one of the most unique and special type of friend I've ever met. Sometimes kinda weird too, but that's just his style ,and I liked it xD
I didnt get his permission to write this, coz I thought since its my blog, I can write anything I feel like blogging about , no hard feelings okay ? ;)
EUMY has a very special interest, compare to all the person I've known. He likes to act like a girl. In other words, Crossdressing , Male->Female/Female->Male.
Its hard for him to actually show his trueself (about those crossdressing and girly stuffs) to others/his friends, coz people might see him in a different way , good way, and bad way.
But I think its nice :) Chasing ur own interest, doing what u like to do, that's just the best feeling u can get for urself, the satisfaction xD
He gets emo sometimes, wanted to be a person everyone (instead of saying "like", he said :)wont hate.
But, nobody's perfect right ? If u want to be someone who people wont hate, meaning, u're not really being urself. if being urself will be hated by others, that's okay :) coz really, nobody's perfect xD
either tell them to "fuck off" or "wait and see what can I do "
Today, I saw his profile picture changed, so I went to stalk on his profile. I found out an album with his crossdressing photos, they are just... "wow, u did it xD" kinda feeling. haha, its nice, really :)
this "Eumy", is actually a friend of mine, and guess what?
EUMY is a HE xD
Awesome right ??
He's one of the most unique and special type of friend I've ever met. Sometimes kinda weird too, but that's just his style ,and I liked it xD
I didnt get his permission to write this, coz I thought since its my blog, I can write anything I feel like blogging about , no hard feelings okay ? ;)
EUMY has a very special interest, compare to all the person I've known. He likes to act like a girl. In other words, Crossdressing , Male->Female/Female->Male.
Its hard for him to actually show his trueself (about those crossdressing and girly stuffs) to others/his friends, coz people might see him in a different way , good way, and bad way.
But I think its nice :) Chasing ur own interest, doing what u like to do, that's just the best feeling u can get for urself, the satisfaction xD
He gets emo sometimes, wanted to be a person everyone (instead of saying "like", he said :)wont hate.
But, nobody's perfect right ? If u want to be someone who people wont hate, meaning, u're not really being urself. if being urself will be hated by others, that's okay :) coz really, nobody's perfect xD
either tell them to "fuck off" or "wait and see what can I do "
Today, I saw his profile picture changed, so I went to stalk on his profile. I found out an album with his crossdressing photos, they are just... "wow, u did it xD" kinda feeling. haha, its nice, really :)
I really like this Photo xD
Dont give up, be yourself :)
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