Commitment to Myself

Just came back from Singapore with family. This trip (actually it doesn't even count as a trip) was not as organize as it sound/look like. You see, my dad was sending some goods down to a Singapore company, and we BARELY reach on time ( 5 minutes till the off work time). After that, we dont know where els to go . so used my Bro's 920 for some advice on where to go . Who knows, half way on the road, his phone when out of battery and we're all lost ! Turn round and round to find a place we know/heard before so that we could get to my aunt's place for a stay over (1 night).............

but above all that , isn't the main point of this post and it has nothing to do with the topic.
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Finally, back home. Get to online, Facebook, checking mails, IMVU-ing.

Twitter, no special updates.
Facebook, 50+ notifications, checked. Reply all the messages ; Liked all the posts that are suppose to be Liked.
Gmail, Raffles hasnt reply anything yet. ( The Singapore Raffles)
IMVU, some friends said he would be online but he's not. No updates too.

When I was scrolling down Facebook, looking at friend's daily happenings, makes me feel so unfulfilled all of a sudden. They have so many things going on, photos everywhere, statuses again and again, love stories getting more dearing/lovely .

That was when I thought : What's up with MY LIFE then ?

Im done with my Diploma, Im not troubling any money issues, Im not in a hurry to work, Im not in need of love, I dont feel like Im alone, I can go anywhere I want in anytime.

BUT,

I know I need to search for universities to further my Degree course, I know I need to make my decisions by now, I know I need to sleep early and wake up early to get my time right on the clock again, I know I need to be clear on things I have to do, I know. Some part inside me it's like, trying to stop me from doing what I need to do now.

Im lazy to think of stuffs that I cant get the answer right away. My stupid brain will just ignore my problems and move on like nobodies business.

My life is some how, so FUCKED UP.
I, myself is FUCKED UP.
I need to make a change, I want to make a change, I HAVE TO CHANGE !


Should I stop IMVU for a while ?
Its not really bothering me, but it seems to be a habit for me to go online every night.

Should I start to sleep early?
I REALLY SHOULD, IM GOING TO DIE EARLY IF I STILL STAY UP THAT LATE.

Should I decide where to study by now ?
Hmm...tough question. 
Raffles Singapore ? I think the course is what I need to study (but not I want to study)
MMU ? Nope, not under my list. Its like studying in a malay school.
LimKokWing ? The course is the same like Raffles Singapore, but the university itself makes me feel like Im going in there to waste my parent's money.
TheOneAcademy ? Actually I have my answer. I really think I have a high possibility to be studying there. Not the course that attracted me, its their study life-style. Pushing u to ur limits to improve. I need a really BIG PUSH to really improve myself. Like Jack, I can see his attitude towards his studies/interest.  But if Im really going to further my degree in TheOne, what course should I actually take up ? It's like it would be a whole new level/type of study environment for me, facing totally different people compare to what I had been through in Saito .

Should I be more serious in the responsibilities Im having ?
I KNOW I SHOULD. Im taking too much sweet time for the 3D project Im doing with the guys, I know Im taking too much time. And my role in every freelance I take, I need to be more serious about it and make some commitment . I need to, I need to , I know I NEED TO.

...........What actually is bothering me right now ?
I start to love being alone. It sometimes irritates me when Im relaxing on my own and then someone coming up to kacau me. Im lazy to entertain , you know that. And now, I start to love shopping alone, because I can go out or come back when ever I want without worrying the time. Suddenly 1 call came up, and I have to do some plannings to suit up the time to meet up/go home.

What's wrong with me?
Im too LAZY to make a commitment on everything / to everyone. 

**To Me: Please change yourself or els u're gonna be so dead in the future.**

Past Pains

<My Secret>
was meant to sing to you.

"....
我們之間的距離 好像忽遠又忽近
你明明不在我身邊 我卻覺得很親
Ha~ 有一種感覺我想說明
我心裡的秘密 是你給的甜蜜

我們之間的距離好像一點點靠近
是不是你對我也有一種特殊感情
Ha~ 我猶豫要不要告訴你
我心裡的秘密是我好像喜歡了你
...."

BUT, I was wrong . Very very wrong.
The sound of the pain its like hearing a very large glass falling down and crashed to the ground.
The unwilling-ness to believe what I just saw and wat I just heard, every single word, from you.

After that, driving back home.  I dont know how to describe my feelings, its like, thousands of your voices in my mind. It was the words and sentences you told me. Repeating and repeating, again and again.... asking god, " Why GOD? Why him again ? Why ? Why ? WHY ??"

I can still remember the pain back then. Until today, I was listening to 林峰's 《爱不疚》，I realized the lyrics, its just how I felt , on that whole week.

"...
收藏在眼眸 常徘徊左右 爱 猜到没有   [We see each other almost everyday, can u believe it turned out this way ?]
愉快玩笑後 能全然退後 你 开心就够   [After what u told me, I'll smile and be happy for you, as long as u felt the same way too]
这种感觉太亲厚 讲一千句也不够   [I cant explain the tacit that we have together, no words can.]
假使讲了 你听到後或会走      [ If I ever told u how I feel for you, would you leave ? I dont want to take this risk of losing a friend like you]
这种恋爱太罕有 不需真正拥有    [What you're having now, its a miracle. I cant stop you ,right?]
成全 衷心祝福然後就放手    [The only thing I can say to u is, I wish u to be as happy as always.]
放手 放开所有 彼此更自由   
放手 其实我绝非爱得不够
放手 豁出所有 还有这个好友  
已经 已经足够
遥远是宇宙 静静在背後 去看守就够
这种感觉太亲厚 讲一千句也不够
即使一刹有过冲动 挽你手   
这种恋爱太罕有 不需真正拥有
成全 多舍不得仍然 是放手
放手 放开所有 彼此更自由
放手 其实我绝非爱得不够
放手 豁出所有 还有这个好友
已经 已经足够
放手 我的牵挂 找不到尽头
放手 期望你幸福甚麽都有
也许 爱很深厚 然而我早看得透
放手 至可拥有
..."

I cant really tell you the pain I had after u told me. I wish I could tell you everything without worrying how will u think of me. U're a special friend to me, and I dont wish to do anything risky that will lead our friendship into an end. That's way, I decided not to tell you anything.

U said I can talk to you about anything anytime, actually Im really happy and again, satisfied. 
Why?
Because U make me understand, Im not just a listener to you, and Im also a special friend to you too :)
That's the least I felt comforted about in our friendship. I understand we would never go pass any relationship further than friendship. But that's really more than enough for me.

 Im glad, that I met someone like you :)

我放手了，你懂吗？
记得要好好守护这段爱哦 :D
我，衷心祝你们幸福  :)