Okay, it's been a long LONG while I know. Due to some Uni work deadline and shitty reasons , I didn't feel like updating my blog or anything about my life to anyone else, just like the feeling of wanting to shut myself out and go far far away.
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I'm gonna tell yall, Counting Stars by One Republic is about the right song to describe my current situation and current feeling.
I feel something so right, doing the wrong thing,
I feel something so wrong, doing the right thing,
I could lie, could lie, everything that kills me makes me feel alive.
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So there ya go, why is it always like that to me? why couldn't I just think straight?
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Well guys, just to let yall know, I have finished my Uni for second year, at least I think I am, because there's no more classes going on anymore, and I've got my results , I gotta be honest it's not flying colours but at least I passed all of them. When I got my feedback for my essay I was feeling kinda down and upset and a little bit offended , why? first, because of my marks and secondly, I have been told I have poor grammar and poor English, and I've been asked to go for study support for my final year .
What the FUCK man?
I've been using English for almost my entire life, I know my English is not perfect nor not good, I also know I cant fight with your local languages, but SERIOUSLY ? Telling me I have poor English ?? jeez .....
I checked my essay for a few times before I submitted just to see if there's still any errors or anything, spelling or so, it's perfectly fine, Im not using short forms or anything, I admit I have grammar problems but not until the level which you call it POOR .
It's alright, it's okay, I take it, I'm a student, you're the expert here, say whatever shit you want, I'll just listen.
Other than that my other subjects are okay, got an okay mark, not the best but below that level, and Im satisfy. :)
I've been really slacking alot after my last day of Uni, I came back home and then boom, few days later I'll be in Scotland for a week, and after that I'll be flying to Newcastle to visit Baby and YouXian. Straight off 2 weeks away from Bristol.
It was okay in Scotland, spend hell lot, but it was fun when I visited Baby in Newcastle xD
After I came back from Newcastle , started resting myself, had a good amount of sleep and all, put away all my clothes and laundry aside, and put my stuffs away.
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I thought about what I've done in that two weeks, in Scotland, I listen to Xindy's stories about her crush and some relationships problem, so I share some of mine with her too, all the online virtual relationships and the current relationship. She's a great friend to hang out with , we basically share the same interest and same taste, not all but some, which I find kinda funny .
Anyway, back to the story, Im home laying in my bed, I got bored, because probably Jack was sleeping or something, we werent talking at that time, I got bored and turned on my location service searching for places near by to go, after that I forgot to turn it off. Until the moment I remembered I checked my phone I have loads of random requests on wechat , so I turned off my location service and look at the requests. There's this guy I saw he's living in Bristol, and I thought hey maybe he's living near by, maybe we study the same Uni or something , so I approved his requested, not long later he replied and we started chatting.
His name is Dan, he's 25 year old and he is working as a software engineer in NHS (which I have no clue where is that, I know its a company nearby in Bristol. medical center or something like that) , he came out working right after college, which he said it was already for 5 years, and he likes dogs but prefer cats, he was born under a house full with ladies, his mom and 2 elder sisters, no father. He owns a motorbike ( HELL that's a really COOL motorbike !!its not a common scooter type , its the actual big engine , racing-look-alike kinda motorbike, damn cool man seriously) ,I can tell he is a mature guy( the way he talks), he's currently having Chinese night classes, he is tall, he is fair, he is a local, and he has green eyes, lol
Well the above information is a 3-4 days infos I got/know from him . We went out for a movie the after few days, just for a friendly greeting and all, after that he told me he likes me , and wants to meet me again and wants to know more about each other and stuffs.
What should I do ?!
Don't be silly, the first day we chat I already addressed him I have a boyfriend, Im dating someone, but guess what ? He told me to stop mentioning about Jack and he is going to pretend and ignore that he dont existed (WHAT ?!) Yea I know, the first night he wanted to hold my hand(in the cinema) but I refused, like a million times, through out the movie I said no. And he said I was being mean to him, I told him (more likely reminding him) that Im dating someone atm so I cannot agree to hold hands with him. Funny thing is, he asked me before doing it, like, he asked if we could have a hug, so I said yea sure, a friendly hug is okay, even holding hands he still asked me instead of pulling my hand straight away when I was swinging beside while we walk. So I guess he's a good guy, a gentleman , right? After the movie he walked me back and then he went home. He wants to meet up again the next day but I thought it was a little too rush? so I said no. And he start making all the sad faces and all, I was like "Aww dont do that", he's a nice guy, makes me feel bad for saying no to him, continuously . After half a day passed, I told him okay, we could have a short meet up for about an hour before he have to go to his Chinese class. So we met, we hugged, sat together and chit chat for an hour or so, just like we said before, I saw him ride his motorbike off to class, OMGOSH GUYS HE WAS SO COOL ON THE BIKE , no kidding.
So, after all that Dan stuffs, does Jack know?
Dont be silly, OF COURSE I TOLD JACK EVERYTHING. Duh?! Jack's my boyfriend, I'm not going to hide stuffs from him. Jack was kinda pissed at first, not at me, but at him, because I told him Dan likes me and he is currently 'kinda' chasing me.
Me: Are you jealous? or worry?
Jack: Of course Im jealous, because he is there and Im here (Australia), but I shouldnt be worry right?
Me: You shouldnt be worry about me, you should be worry about him(Dan)
Jack: I know.
Why would I say that?
I know myself, and I know Jack, we both talked out we will never cheat or do anything unappropriated behind each other, and will not lie or hide things from each other. I know that and I mean it.
Few days passed, he(Jack) didnt really mentioned about Dan or ask if he looked for me or anything.
Im thinking, doesnt he care? I mean really, if you are in his situation, wont you want to know if Im talking to Dan or not or what? right? or am I the one who thinks he should pay a little more attention to this matter? Cause Dan is really doing his thing trying to impress me and get to me, like really chasing me as a guy. Im flattered with that, but to be honest, I really wish he would give up, because the more he approaches me the more I have to be mean to him , I have to say no because I cannot say yes( sounds odd but that's true), I have Jack but Dan is a really sweet guy, I really feel bad( and sometimes a fool) for saying no to him again and again.
Alright, another thing. Actually this month (June) Jack suppose to be coming over to see me, on the 6th June (he said), but one bad news came up when I was in Scotland, he got a call from his sister knowing about his mom got admitted to hospital, so he couldnt make it over. That phone call was 2 weeks away from 6th June. I thought everything will be okay and settle and Im still hoping that he will make it over . Too bad that's not happening. He let me down again....
After that he never update me when is the approximate date he can/able to come over to see me, he said sorry and all, told me he felt bad, blah blah all that stuffs, that moment I really really REALLY start to feel hopeless. I felt like its hopeless to get something from him.
It took me 1 month to tell him the complete truth about myself, but it took him 5 months, 5 whole months to tell me the complete truth about himself. 6 months to add his Skype/Facebook , 8 months to get his phone number, 9-10 months to make him say something(a.k.a hearing his voice), which is everything of those I have already told him and let him know for the first few months while we date.
We've passed 11 months now, finally get to talk on the phone, guess what's the longest time we talked on phone? 20 minutes. Well the phone bill is expensive, duh of course I know. And I understand, but come on la, seriously, WHY DONT HE F-ING FIX HIS INTERNET LINE IN HIS HOUSE AND HIS LAPTOP OR PHONE SO THAT WE COULD TALK FOR FREEEEE, ON SKYPE OR ON ANYTHING, do yall get the frustrations Im having ?? For real do yall really get the struggle I have right now ??
Now its only a few days till our one year anniversary , by right I should be cuddling with him right now and celebrating his birthday with him in person and hold hands together, cuddling in the movies , cooking together , and all that lovey dovey stuffs that couples do. But he is F-ing stuck in Sydney taking care of his mom. I really really REALLY dont mind him not coming, but after letting me down and not giving me another answer /solution , I mean at least letting me know what's his next plan would be a great start for another hope , right?? So I dont need to feel like Im waiting so blindly for him.
Im so tired..... so hopeless.... so disappointed....do something Jack.... please, before someone else take me away and completely lose hope on you.......
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sixth page of love? hopeless.
