16th July

Its 16th today, but unfortunately I couldnt wish you.
I ate brownies today, suddenly I missed the awful brownies I baked before... haha

Well,

Happy Birthday Dan :)

Throwing this friendship away

When people make you feel unwanted, dont leave to make them feel sad or guilty, they wont. Leave because you no longer have a reason to stay. Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. What's meant to be will end up good and what's not wont. Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you cant be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they dont, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you.

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As said, I was still mad after what happened with Dan and I. I was the blame for everything that happened in between us, he said.

Well, I made my choices, since he longer cherish this relationship, nor even our friendship, this time I'll be the one throwing him away.

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Hey Dan,

If you ever have the chance to see this, I just wanted to let you know,

You wont be the one throwing me away, cause I'll be the one throwing you away this time.
I hesitated for a while whether to give us a chance or to give myself some more time to think about it.
Call me stubborn , foolish, naive, just call me whatever you want, probably that's just me.

Although Jack and I met online, and went into "dating". Online dating then into a relationship I thought we were to be -- "Long-distance relationship". I wouldnt have noticed it doesnt count as a "long distance relationship" if both side hasnt "met" in real/in person yet. Just like Jack and I. But one thing I know is, the time I spend talking to him, online, on Facebook, on Whatsapp, on whatever social media we could think of, those stories and topics we shared werent false. Those emotional times, arent made-up, it's not an illusion , its not a "brain-wash" type of feeling, nor "hypnotized/mixed/confused/unclear" feeling, which YOU, define it as "fake-relationship". I do love him, I did thought of a future with him, no matter how impossible it would look / sound like. Non of my friends and family , including you, ever encourages my relationship with Jack, because they knew it wouldnt work. I hold on to him for so long, its not because "its too late to say no" , its because I can tell how much I meant to him. I know he loves me a lot, even though now we broke up, yes we BROKE UP. I DID had a relationship with him for a year, so there IS something call "break up" in between us.

After the break up, I still believe he did loved me for real, coz the patience he has for me, the care he gave to me, the love he shared with me, those werent fake, no matter how clever his disguise ( if he is hiding) is, there's no way he would share this much secret and emotions with me throughout this whole year of relationship. 

I really dont like the way you see Jack, your disrespectful attitude towards him. You have no right to judge him that way and he doesnt deserve to be said this way. I hate it when you always bring up something about him and put the blame on me for being stupid for believing him.

What do you know about him? You dont. So dont judge.

You said I always hold on to my phone when we hangout, of course I have to, he is still a person and by that time Jack and I were still together. You took my phone away when his message came up, you tried stopping me from checking, why? Is it because it's unfair to you because we were "hanging out" and Im focusing on ?MY ONLINE BOYFRIEND? If you're jealous just say so, dont act like a kid trying to "make things clear" to me on whats going on with Jack and I.

You said you like me and I was happy to know that. I never ever see you as a second choice, I did thought of starting a relationship with you but you were too impatient to go along with me even our friendship. You are smart, funny, strong, caring, and so much more Im still looking forward to see. Just because I had an "online relationship" during the time we met, you put two things together and mixed my online relationship with our friendship together and make things look ugly in between us. By calling me naive and ignorant towards MY online relationship situation.

Seriously its my business , why do you want to care so much about it? Does it bother you because you like me? or does it bother you because someone else from the other side of the world has my heart and not yours? If so what on earth are you jealous about ?  You had the chance to hangout with me but my so-called boyfriend from across the world wouldnt even Skype me on webcam. Itsnt it clear enough for you? Its obvious you stand a larger chance to be with me , IF YOU FUCKING TRY HARDER.

You fool. You idiotic, impatient, your intolerance attitude, blew this chance. 

I tried to save this friendship. I made a move. Did you do anything ? besides blaming me and pointing out all the problems instead of making a solution. Doing something , fight for something you want, have you ?

No. All you do is get interested in people whenever you're bored and throw them away when you're done with them.

Dont wait for something to happen, fight for something if you really want it. You'll lose your chances and regret the rest of your life one day.

Im not anybody to you, Im just a passer by at this point to you. But you'll forever be a "somebody" to me even if our friendship only existed in our memories. You showed me maturity, you showed me security, you showed me intimacy, I can never forget that even if its just a short period of time.  Dont be scared to fight for something you love, dont see everything in a logical way, life would be much more hopeful if you dare to step forward first instead of waiting for them to respond.

Things does change if you stay positive.Good luck with finding another person in your life.

Loved,
Lucky Star :')

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So... the Horoscope said :

Well, I saw this horoscope web thingy on facebook, and I read through it, what amazed me was the truth and fact about what was in that specific horoscope o.o''

So I copied paste into my blog , if one day one of them ever came by , hopefully they'll take a look.

And I translated them, with my own language, probably it doesnt make any sense but close enough :P

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【天秤】(Myself)
選擇困難症，外貌協會鑽石級會員
出廠壓根兒忘記設置「拒絕」選項了吧！
平時看著溫順脾氣好，一旦觸及底線脾氣大的一發不可收拾，控制都控制不了！但睡一覺什麼壞脾氣都沒有了。
如果天秤錯了，那麼死不認錯翻舊賬，反正天秤永遠都是對的！

Libras
Difficulties of making choices, standardize in society's upper-class member
Always forget there's a chance to "reject" something
Usually they have very high tolerance and patience, but once they gone mad, nothing can stop or control them, not even themselves. The good thing is, everything will go back to normal after a good night sleep in the next day, as if nothing ever happened.
If Libras' were wrong, they will not admit it, they'll try no matter what to make sense out of everything to make justice stand on their side, Libras' are always right after all :P
(well another words to me it meant stubborn =v='')

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【雙子】(Jack)
24小時360度無原因的隨時轉變心情狀態！
活在自己的世界裡，自己一個人也可以嗨起來！
前一晚愛你愛到非君不嫁，第二天想通以後去尼瑪你哪位啊？
看上去熱情洋溢，其實簡單的不能更冷淡。
對自己認識的熟人十分天真，對於外人簡直都是連吵架都懶總是一副“我不想知道你想什麼也不需要理解你的想法，你也別妄想改變我！”
糾結！太糾結！
要嘛沉悶著一張臉要嘛笑的跟瘋子一樣轉變情緒快。
精神分裂症早期患者，強迫症晚期。
做事三分鐘熱度，愛幻想無行動，情緒都寫在臉上沒心機。
喜歡鑽牛角尖，不能堅持容易放棄，常想一些有的沒的順帶慮著別人

Geminis
24 hours non-stop 360 change in moods for no reason
Living in their own world, they can even get themselves "high" when they're on their own
They can love you endlessly today, and just easily forget about you the second day
They seem to look like a romantic person, but deep down they are just bored and simplistic
They treat close friends/family very innocently , and totally doesn't care a damn thing about the things that outsiders/ strangers said to them
they are very clingy
Sometimes they stay very silent, sometimes they laugh like a psychopath
Early Schizophrenia patient, possibly of late obsessive-compulsive disorder
Never concentrate on something at once, easily get interested in almost everything, and easily reveal their lazy moods
Dont like to be straight forward, give up easily, thinking and concerning about useless stuffs and something that's not even under their own concern .

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【巨蟹】(Dan)
絕情，感情來的快去的也快！很容易喜歡一個人，但是很快就不感興趣了。
拿不起！放不下！忘不掉！沒安全感，喜歡試探別人對自己的心意。
情緒化，愛裝八卦，愛誰就虐誰，仗義超級表裡不一。
超級敏感，對不在意的人冷的要命，而在意的人不經意一句話就有可能傷到，然後自己腦補出很多情節越想越生氣傷心。
極其喜歡探知真相，即使結果無法接受。
眼裡容不得沙子，傲嬌有時候很做作，往往是最沒安全感的時候容易哄。
對東西有控制欲，得到之後沒新鮮感就棄之，很懶超級沒安全感。
喜歡的東西從不喜歡去爭取，總希望能順其自然的得到，然而總是錯過。
在人群中總是最傻最呆最天真的那個，可是最腹黑最機智的想法往往是巨蟹說出來的！

Scorpios
Unsympathetic to everyone. Easily falling for someone and get bored very quickly
Cant let go, cant forget, insecure, likes to probe people's feelings towards their selves
Emotional, likes to be busy-body, likes to bully someone they like/love, totally doesn't make sense
Very sensitive, doesn't give a fuck to strangers, but sometimes they tempt to speak something hurtful to the person they cared for, and then later on thinking too much making themselves mad and sad
Always like to fine out the truth about something, even if the truth is unacceptable .
When they try to be playful it usually turns out wrong and turn into affectation
Likes to take control of something new , and throw it away without hesitation once they get bored of it.
They never try to fight for something they love/like, always let things come and go just the way they are, that's why they missed out a lot of opportunities in the pass, even they right person.
They look really dumb and stupid among a big crowd, but usually the smartest words always came out from a Scorpio's mouth



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My translations are shit, but as long as they can understand, who cares xD

The above horoscope were so damn true.
Its just what and how they are and how I am.


Original source: http://tw.gigacircle.com/316844-1

Madness Bullshitss

Guess what ?
After the 3rd day Jack and I broke up he didnt talk to me ever since.

And last night I went on to his IMVU account , his profile changed, his status changed, as if he finally got over the break up thing , the last date online was the date a day ago, that means he's been going online for quite sometime and I didnt even know.

After that I logged on to my IMVU account and changed everything on my profile and status, I was so pissed off for what I saw. All that ever comes to my mind was " so that's how it ends huh? 1 year and you could just throw away things like that "
I left my IMVU account online overnight, the next morning I woke up I saw his name came online. I bet he must have saw mind too, but I logged off right after he came online 5 minutes later.
A while later the whatsapp beep on my phone triggered.
It was him, saying " Hey Sorry, I 've been sick since the plane, and also Im letting KAZU borrow my IMVU"

From that moment Im totally speechless... after so long of silence, the first thing he said isnt about "how are you", its explaining something he "did" with his imvu account. How pleasant.

I told him he dont need to explain, then he said "I know, Mary thought it was me xD"
Like hell I care what Mary thinks about it.

There are all lies, probably from the very start it was all a lie.

After that I checked back his IMVU profile, it says " Jack's away ~ Kazu is using this account"
I was like "what the fuck is he trying to play right now"

First off, he SAID he let Kazu use his account right? But then there's this Amber girl on his facebook, tagging his name in a status saying " Jack and I ~" stuffs like that, so, if Kazu is using his account, does that mean Kazu is imitating Jack talking to that so called Amber girl? ( Amber is a friend of Jack from IMVU as well, kinda like a bitch/attention seeker type )

OR

Is he just playing the role of two characters in IMVU ( yea right like that's an odd thing, who else know what kind of game he's trying to play now )

Second thing is when I tried to log back in and guess what?
Log in invalid, he changed his fucking password, and yet he told me I could log in if I want.

LIES, all fucking LIES.

Why on earth will he do that.... 1 year, a whole fucking year spending most of my everyday with him on my fucking phone, texting again and again, even my friends around me know how close am I to my phone when Im dating him.

Could he really be like " 没有就没有了，无所谓 "

说伤心都是骗人的吗？
一年的感情难道就这样说放下就放得下？

There's always a question mark on him that I can never understand.

I'd rather to hurt me from the start with the truth rather than slowly revealing little by little of yourself to me time by time.

根本就没有给我心理准备去接受这段relationship, its like I've been cheated over blindly all this while.

蠢死了，真的蠢死了
Why does the people I fall for always are the ones with complicated issues and complicated background?

Is it a curse? Gays, Bis, even Straight guys, Fuck you all complicated guys, move way for my real guy to come to me, Im waiting with wounds all over me waiting for him to come save my ass.

Im tired with all the dramas, hugs, kisses, cuddles, even the one who already done all that with you still choose to throw you away , calling you stupid and naive. Making my life even more miserable .

Fuck you guys, fuck myself, fuck my blindness, fuck my foolishness


You were right, proving everything you said was "logic" and true all this while. Being so arrogant . Not even trying to move forward to save our friendship, you never liked me, I was just a toy to you. Just a temporary illusion . You only gave up just trying 2 weeks, my target was to give us 3 months, and you already gave up just for the first 2 fucking weeks.

Bravo.

You win.

Well guess what fuckers, losing me will be your biggest regrets, you will never find someone who would be foolish enough to waste one whole year on someone they met online. And someone who secretly does sweet things for you in your hard times without you noticing.

Those brownies, those cuddling and comforting, those times we spent together, meant NOTHING to you at all. You impatient , arrogant, idiotic CAT !!

目中无人，自以为是，好胜，That's why I hate cats.

Im ignorant, Im naive, Im stupid, Im irritating.
Blame every fucking thing on me.

全部都是我自己拿来的。
不帮口就算了，也不用踩多我一脚 making me feel worst.

Only him

Jack and I broke up.

Right after our 1 year anniversary , well actually its a few days after our 1 year anniversary.

Reason?

I gave up.

Yes I choose to give up hope.

I know I've only waited a year, it's not really that long.

But a year dating someone across the world online, never talked more than an hour, never see each other's face on webcams before, so...

What else are we exactly ? 

What kind of relationship are we?

I was madly in love with him.

I think about him almost every second of the day.

I hope day by day, that he will come find me one day.

Vanish.

Everything vanish.

Do I still trust him? 

No... I dont think I do anymore, I bet I've already lose hope since a long time ago.

Im not convincing enough to make people around me believe that his love for me is real.

You know what?

I felt like a fool.

For believing there's hope.

I already knew he was nothing like how he said he was.

And I take it.

It never was a bother to me if its just the two of us.

But it will be a bother if its in between him and my friends and family.

Things wont be easy, people will see me differently.

Maybe they'll think Im a freak.

Maybe they'll think Im disgusting.

Maybe they'll think I was a liar all along.

So what?

Like I care.

But this is not about all the judgement I will face.

It's about the trust in between me and him.

He failed me not once, not twice, but several times. Until no more trust pieces left for him to break anymore.

so you tell me, how else can I trust him some more?

"I'll come find you"

Well, according to someone, he is in the same country as I am now.

But he didnt look for me, nor contact me, not even telling me all that by himself.

One more promise, broke.

I dont know what other words I can think of anymore, other than "disappointment" from you.

What about our Love?

I can tell you those arent made-up, those were real.

In fact, too real.

Too real until it scares me.

I know you loved me for real. You loved everything of me, the good and the bad. 

That's because I showed you everything.

What about you?

Did you show me everything ? 

I still feel cheated. Because you didnt give me a chance to decide whether to leave you or still be with you after I force you to tell me about yourself.

Thanks for that.

Hateful thoughts

I hate this feeling

I hate the fact that you judge him and choose not to respect him for who he is and who he wants to be
I hate the fact that you got mad at me just because I do not agree with you
I hate the fact that you judge me by saying im ignorant and naive just because I choose to trust him
I hate the fact that when you're hugging me you did not deny that you're actually missing your ex-girlfriend
I hate the fact that you always think you knows everything
I hate the fact that you always think you knows what's best
I hate the fact that even though you choose to stop this friendship by ending it blaming me as the problem
I hate the fact that after everything you could just throw me away like that

I tried to control
I tried to stop thinking
I tried not to think it like its a big deal

Those memories, short memories but we shared it with some of our deepest thoughts together
It's a waste for it to turn into just memories

Im not ignorant or naive
Im hopeful and positive
I'd rather choose to believe something good than predicting something bad

Judging people is your business
Holding on to my own thoughts is my business
That way we're both good

Like I said
Im just a temporary "toy" for you to play with to pass your desperate times.
I never was anything to you

NEVER.



Thank you for the happy memories , one last piece of advice
Dont be a coward, go talk to her if you still miss her, before everything is too late.
Its not worth to exchange your perfect-lover with your dignity.