So, Brian and I stopped. Dating.
I would say we broke up but he said if I put it "breaking up" it sounded mean. lol So we just stopped.

Why?
Honestly, I knew this day would come. Just didnt expect to be that soon. Yes I do feel sad, it's a waste that we didnt work out. I loved him, but now that we know it wouldnt work for us if we go into a "romance" relationship, one thing I can feel is our friendship is strong. Well, not to say strong, its more like, secure. We talked about anything, and everything. More likely.

I appreciate him being honest with me all this while , that's probably one thing I love about him at the first place. Being persistent and honest.

As for Jack, he does what he like.

We talked yes, but less. Lesser and lesser each day goes by. He said he's going to US to study, something about creative literature writing and such. To improve his story writing. He said the course takes up to a couple of years but he wants to finish it in within a year. I thought if the course is that long then you'll have to study that long? So I dont quite get what he meant by that , its fine. He's information were never clear, he's still the same.

The same as in, never gave me any clear information when I asked about it.

I really dont know what he want this time. Just appear and say hi again? or he came back for something else? I dont know. Im tired of guessing. Im tired of asking. because I dont even know what or how to ask him in order to get the answer Im looking for.

He come as he likes and go as he wants.

As if he's putting me on a hook or something.

How can you be like that Jack?
Its almost 6 months since we broke up, nothing changed. Or is it because I cant see it? Or is it because Im the one who changed?

Brian told me, never go back to your ex, you'll end up realizing why you left him at the first place and get heart broken all over again. I trust his words, coz everything he said makes sense.

Part of me is chasing something back, part of me is pushing it away at the same time.

Love eh? I wish I never treat it serious.

So, I was told that calling by her given name wasnt a good idea afterall.

Well then, everything is back to how it was. (I decided)
I'll call him Brian. And I believe for some reason, he wants to treat me back as Zen instead of Ven.
I dont really mind which name Im being called.

If he calls me Zen, I'll be Zen. Completely Zen.
If he calls meVen/Hsin, I'll be myself. Let loose and be free.

If he calls me Hsin but see me as Zen. Honestly Im stuck. But I'll learn to get use to it if I have to.

*Lesson: Never. Again.

Should I feel be feeling lonely at this point?

I dont know anymore. We are a couple that doesnt seem to look like one. Or even feel like one?
I know we been through this, it didnt came out well because we got into a fight.

I feel like I cant be completely myself when Im with her. We dont really share the same interest, topics? I dont know. I love anime, I love manga, I love art. I like punk, I like rock, I like gothic, but not in a deep-into-it/obsessive way.

Is this really gonna work?
I miss the time where I can buzz Jack whenever I want knowing that he'll definitely reply, no matter how stupid or how idiotic the topic we were talking about xD

Im not comparing. I understand it's a whole new relationship to get in right now, so I'll have to re-"get used to it" all over again.

Cant really blame why I'll feel lonely. This only proofs that before this, Jack really did spoiled me well. I miss him.

I didnt talk to Kira for a whole day. I didnt leave any message, not a word to say why. We argued the next day. Because I finally got a message from her on Facebook. I dont want to be in there not talking and feeling the empty atmosphere. It makes me tense. Im sorry but I did that on purpose.  How much will she care? how much more can I expect for her attention? Well, the results shows, 3 chat invites and one sleepless night.

Cant deny, I miss him.

After a silent Autumn.

So, Jack sent me a message today.

"Hello Hsin Yang. It's been a long time hasn't it? I want to say a few things so here we go.. Sorry for not messaging you earlier I've been meaning to send you a text but ran out of credit also scared on what will happen but ya know what? I shouldn't be I wanted us to be friends. still wanting us to be but after I told you that... I thought it would be best for you to forget me though i realized It might be hard for you to forget since we were in love for quite awhile, Those times were like heaven to me and yes I do know its all reality okay? I known it from the start, I was that ready to fall but at the end when it all ended guess I didn't ready my self for that huh? I know i should of told you things earlier in the relationship instead of being scared but that's in the past and I know i can't change any of it, Also I know I shouldn't say this but I'm not over you yet lol I've been missing ya dearly. but I don't know if I can make you smile like back than. I hope you find that star, You're beautiful star that will protect you forever and ever ~ Like the way I should of... ANYWAYS Hope you been having a great time and if there is anything you need to get off your chest then tell me, You know all of this time you could of sent me a text and I would of rushed and found a way to text you back! Haha If you need a helping hand, or anything just ask Ok Ok Now How have ya been? Hope good ? Did you have a safe flight? like you didn't say anything so I was worried shitless x'D have you been eating right? Cause while we were dating it looked like you were taking dieting way to seriously but you wouldnt stop when I told you xI you looked way to skinny, also some of your bones were sticking out which kinda frighted me abit UHM and hows school?, met new people? there was something else i cant remember... what was it ahh whatever if you still wanna keep talking, we could always continue this conversation another time right? /with Lov... FROM jack min hara\"


I felt instantly depressed. I cried. For a long 10 minutes.

Memories flashed back. Yes I never forget why I left at the first place, but the feelings of why I'll fall for him is way more stronger than why I left him. 

Kira's out today. And she'll not be back until who knows what time. She told me not to wait up. 

With that message stuck in my head? What should I do about it?

I dont know. Im lost. Im confused.

I talked to Phyl and Wynd, they both said the same thing, do what's best for you and do what makes you happy. Phyl said take things slow with either Jack or Kira. If I move too fast it'll end up like him and Kelvin. 

What do I want at this very moment?

I want to throw away everything I have and be alone. Shut my mind, shut my soul, shut my feelings out. 

Am I sure?

No. That's my problem. I couldnt make up my mind, I couldnt decide what's best for me or what I want. 

Will I make another mistake again?

I dont know. I dont want to think about it. I dont dare to predict. 

Who does your heart tells you to go to?

I dont know. The feelings towards Jack is like, hatred but there's still a slight caring for him clinging on to me. Telling me it's worth a second try, he was the one that see through me completely afterall.

And Kira is the most precious thing that's ever happened to me, she's intelligent , understanding, funny , cute, she knows me, she knows what I want. She's good in analyzing complicated situations. I lose her once and it felt like I've fell into a pit. Now that we got back together its like Im going to lose her all over again..

***

Jack, 

I want to say:

Sorry I'm not sorry for the times
I don't reply
You know the reason why
Maybe you shouldn't come back
Maybe you shouldn't come back to me
Tired of being so sad
Tired of getting so mad, baby
Stop right now
You'll only let me down, oh oh
#demilovato #shouldntcomeback

and 

Why'd you call me today with nothing new to say?

You pretend it's just hello, but you know what it does to me to see your number on the phone.
Now tell me, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want from me?
Are you tryin' to bring back the tears or just the memories?
You keep takin' me back, takin' me back where I've already been.
When we hang up it's almost like I'm losing you again.
Can't you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?

#jerrodniemann #whatdoyouwant

****

Kira,

I want to say:

The day I first met you
You told me you'd never fall in love
But now that I get you
I know fear is what it really was
Now here we are, so close
Yet so far, how didn't I passed the test?
When will you realize
That baby, I'm not like the rest?
Don't wanna break your heart
Wanna give your heart a break
I know you're scared, it's wrong
Like you might make a mistake
There's just one life to live
And there's no time to wait To waste
So let me give your heart a break
Give your heart a break

***

Why do you have to come back when Im just about to get over you...?

Why is it so hard to get over you..

Why must there always be things that'll interrupt in between us?

Why cant they just let me love you peacefully and not reminding me how much scars I have in the pass?

... Why? ...