Okay, it's been a long LONG while I know. Due to some Uni work deadline and shitty reasons , I didn't feel like updating my blog or anything about my life to anyone else, just like the feeling of wanting to shut myself out and go far far away.
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I'm gonna tell yall, Counting Stars by One Republic is about the right song to describe my current situation and current feeling.
I feel something so right, doing the wrong thing,
I feel something so wrong, doing the right thing,
I could lie, could lie, everything that kills me makes me feel alive.
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So there ya go, why is it always like that to me? why couldn't I just think straight?
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Well guys, just to let yall know, I have finished my Uni for second year, at least I think I am, because there's no more classes going on anymore, and I've got my results , I gotta be honest it's not flying colours but at least I passed all of them. When I got my feedback for my essay I was feeling kinda down and upset and a little bit offended , why? first, because of my marks and secondly, I have been told I have poor grammar and poor English, and I've been asked to go for study support for my final year .
What the FUCK man?
I've been using English for almost my entire life, I know my English is not perfect nor not good, I also know I cant fight with your local languages, but SERIOUSLY ? Telling me I have poor English ?? jeez .....
I checked my essay for a few times before I submitted just to see if there's still any errors or anything, spelling or so, it's perfectly fine, Im not using short forms or anything, I admit I have grammar problems but not until the level which you call it POOR .
It's alright, it's okay, I take it, I'm a student, you're the expert here, say whatever shit you want, I'll just listen.
Other than that my other subjects are okay, got an okay mark, not the best but below that level, and Im satisfy. :)
I've been really slacking alot after my last day of Uni, I came back home and then boom, few days later I'll be in Scotland for a week, and after that I'll be flying to Newcastle to visit Baby and YouXian. Straight off 2 weeks away from Bristol.
It was okay in Scotland, spend hell lot, but it was fun when I visited Baby in Newcastle xD
After I came back from Newcastle , started resting myself, had a good amount of sleep and all, put away all my clothes and laundry aside, and put my stuffs away.
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I thought about what I've done in that two weeks, in Scotland, I listen to Xindy's stories about her crush and some relationships problem, so I share some of mine with her too, all the online virtual relationships and the current relationship. She's a great friend to hang out with , we basically share the same interest and same taste, not all but some, which I find kinda funny .
Anyway, back to the story, Im home laying in my bed, I got bored, because probably Jack was sleeping or something, we werent talking at that time, I got bored and turned on my location service searching for places near by to go, after that I forgot to turn it off. Until the moment I remembered I checked my phone I have loads of random requests on wechat , so I turned off my location service and look at the requests. There's this guy I saw he's living in Bristol, and I thought hey maybe he's living near by, maybe we study the same Uni or something , so I approved his requested, not long later he replied and we started chatting.
His name is Dan, he's 25 year old and he is working as a software engineer in NHS (which I have no clue where is that, I know its a company nearby in Bristol. medical center or something like that) , he came out working right after college, which he said it was already for 5 years, and he likes dogs but prefer cats, he was born under a house full with ladies, his mom and 2 elder sisters, no father. He owns a motorbike ( HELL that's a really COOL motorbike !!its not a common scooter type , its the actual big engine , racing-look-alike kinda motorbike, damn cool man seriously) ,I can tell he is a mature guy( the way he talks), he's currently having Chinese night classes, he is tall, he is fair, he is a local, and he has green eyes, lol
Well the above information is a 3-4 days infos I got/know from him . We went out for a movie the after few days, just for a friendly greeting and all, after that he told me he likes me , and wants to meet me again and wants to know more about each other and stuffs.
What should I do ?!
Don't be silly, the first day we chat I already addressed him I have a boyfriend, Im dating someone, but guess what ? He told me to stop mentioning about Jack and he is going to pretend and ignore that he dont existed (WHAT ?!) Yea I know, the first night he wanted to hold my hand(in the cinema) but I refused, like a million times, through out the movie I said no. And he said I was being mean to him, I told him (more likely reminding him) that Im dating someone atm so I cannot agree to hold hands with him. Funny thing is, he asked me before doing it, like, he asked if we could have a hug, so I said yea sure, a friendly hug is okay, even holding hands he still asked me instead of pulling my hand straight away when I was swinging beside while we walk. So I guess he's a good guy, a gentleman , right? After the movie he walked me back and then he went home. He wants to meet up again the next day but I thought it was a little too rush? so I said no. And he start making all the sad faces and all, I was like "Aww dont do that", he's a nice guy, makes me feel bad for saying no to him, continuously . After half a day passed, I told him okay, we could have a short meet up for about an hour before he have to go to his Chinese class. So we met, we hugged, sat together and chit chat for an hour or so, just like we said before, I saw him ride his motorbike off to class, OMGOSH GUYS HE WAS SO COOL ON THE BIKE , no kidding.
So, after all that Dan stuffs, does Jack know?
Dont be silly, OF COURSE I TOLD JACK EVERYTHING. Duh?! Jack's my boyfriend, I'm not going to hide stuffs from him. Jack was kinda pissed at first, not at me, but at him, because I told him Dan likes me and he is currently 'kinda' chasing me.
Me: Are you jealous? or worry?
Jack: Of course Im jealous, because he is there and Im here (Australia), but I shouldnt be worry right?
Me: You shouldnt be worry about me, you should be worry about him(Dan)
Jack: I know.
Why would I say that?
I know myself, and I know Jack, we both talked out we will never cheat or do anything unappropriated behind each other, and will not lie or hide things from each other. I know that and I mean it.
Few days passed, he(Jack) didnt really mentioned about Dan or ask if he looked for me or anything.
Im thinking, doesnt he care? I mean really, if you are in his situation, wont you want to know if Im talking to Dan or not or what? right? or am I the one who thinks he should pay a little more attention to this matter? Cause Dan is really doing his thing trying to impress me and get to me, like really chasing me as a guy. Im flattered with that, but to be honest, I really wish he would give up, because the more he approaches me the more I have to be mean to him , I have to say no because I cannot say yes( sounds odd but that's true), I have Jack but Dan is a really sweet guy, I really feel bad( and sometimes a fool) for saying no to him again and again.
Alright, another thing. Actually this month (June) Jack suppose to be coming over to see me, on the 6th June (he said), but one bad news came up when I was in Scotland, he got a call from his sister knowing about his mom got admitted to hospital, so he couldnt make it over. That phone call was 2 weeks away from 6th June. I thought everything will be okay and settle and Im still hoping that he will make it over . Too bad that's not happening. He let me down again....
After that he never update me when is the approximate date he can/able to come over to see me, he said sorry and all, told me he felt bad, blah blah all that stuffs, that moment I really really REALLY start to feel hopeless. I felt like its hopeless to get something from him.
It took me 1 month to tell him the complete truth about myself, but it took him 5 months, 5 whole months to tell me the complete truth about himself. 6 months to add his Skype/Facebook , 8 months to get his phone number, 9-10 months to make him say something(a.k.a hearing his voice), which is everything of those I have already told him and let him know for the first few months while we date.
We've passed 11 months now, finally get to talk on the phone, guess what's the longest time we talked on phone? 20 minutes. Well the phone bill is expensive, duh of course I know. And I understand, but come on la, seriously, WHY DONT HE F-ING FIX HIS INTERNET LINE IN HIS HOUSE AND HIS LAPTOP OR PHONE SO THAT WE COULD TALK FOR FREEEEE, ON SKYPE OR ON ANYTHING, do yall get the frustrations Im having ?? For real do yall really get the struggle I have right now ??
Now its only a few days till our one year anniversary , by right I should be cuddling with him right now and celebrating his birthday with him in person and hold hands together, cuddling in the movies , cooking together , and all that lovey dovey stuffs that couples do. But he is F-ing stuck in Sydney taking care of his mom. I really really REALLY dont mind him not coming, but after letting me down and not giving me another answer /solution , I mean at least letting me know what's his next plan would be a great start for another hope , right?? So I dont need to feel like Im waiting so blindly for him.
Im so tired..... so hopeless.... so disappointed....do something Jack.... please, before someone else take me away and completely lose hope on you.......
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sixth page of love? hopeless.
Tuesday, 10 June 2014
Sunday, 16 February 2014
Happenings + Fifth page of Love
What up people !
It's been awhile since my last update, I know, I KNOW ~~~~
Something happened since my last update, like really, something BIG and LIFE changing happened to me. At least that's what I think of.
As you can see, I skipped from Third page of Love to Fifth page of Love, where is the Forth page of Love then? lol great question, it's under my draft list :P I was meant to post something up but then I've been dragging day by day and slowly, I forgot what I was suppose to type /post , so I just left it in the draft list. But no worries, I'll talk about a little bit about what's happening on Forth page of Love in a while.
Well, Its 2014 now ! (Obviously, its already February) and I'm in my second year/second semester now :D and in the second semester of my course, we are given an opportunity of 2 pathways to continue in either Illustration or Animation Option module, that means I can do animation course for my second semester, how cool is that xD and by the decisions I made this time, I can choose to finish my final year (year 3) in either Illustration or Animation, If I choose to go to Animation to do my final year, my degree will be Degree in Illustration & Animation ; and if I choose to go back to Illustration , my degree will be Degree in Illustration only. I'm thinking of continuing my final year doing Animation, it's digital base after all, I still love animation. (Actually I kinda regret why I didnt listen to my dad about doing animation in the first place. Screw myself really. ) And guess what? Because of this I've been getting closer to Kim and Bethan :D because they are doing Animation Option as well, how great is that xD
So, how's my life here?
My life here is pretty good actually. As Phyl( or Winson, he decides to change his name) said I am an Introvert . Meaning, I like being alone but doesn't like being lonely and do not like to entertain long hours and do not like to hangout in a huge crowd. Basically its true. Anyway, I made new friends in this new semester, not only that, I'm kinda getting use to saying hi to random people, smiling to strangers along the hall way, helping strangers in need, well I meant in Uni, still not doing so well on the streets, haha, I guess I'm okay with it for now.
I've been going out with Seraphine quite alot last month, and she stayed over at my place too, she's been telling me about her crush and all, interesting, but sometimes gets on my nerves because she still need some advice on how to deal with feelings and such, I personally doesnt like her so-called crush of hers that much, because I think that guy should be a mature man to set things right between Seraphine and himself. That's just my opinion, sometimes I feel pity for her, but the good thing about Seraphine is she never stop smiling and laughing, that's what I like about her/hanging out with her, we can be so stupid and silly sometimes, lol she is definitely my first ever best-friend since I came to Bristol. A friend that I want to hangout with, a friend who I can call anytime to meet with, feels great :)
Okay my projects, this semester, I have currently 3 projects, one is the pro practice project with Alex, and second is the animation option module project (task to create a 90 seconds short animation clip/film) , and third is this visual culture essay (also the one project I pay very least attention to) I hope I could handle them all well/on time, because my last minute bad habit still hasn't change yet, Jack's been mumbling about it a last 2 weeks :I (sorry ! that's just how I brought up to be, screw you M'sia ! I'll change :I )
Well, life's update so far for now, Oh and I will be updating a new blog for my Pro Prac project, documenting my artwork and such, its different compare to Deviantart, my Deviantart is too messy :I
I'm gonna put up the link at the side once the new blog is up :)
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Okay ! Love life, my love life .... Hmmm, don't really how should I start or where should I start, but I'll try my best to get things summarize as possible, for my Forth page of Love.
The last thing I mentioned about my love life in here is Jack and I going out and such, on IMVU, and now we've been keeping contact into more social media network, like Skype and Facebook , Skype only lasted a few weeks, after we added each other's Facebook, we talked/chat more often on FB. And frankly , now we didnt go on IMVU anymore, and plus we had a huge fight after I came back to Bristol from the Christmas break in Msia. We argued big time, and I kinda broke down quite hard by that time, I deleted my precious IMVU-Zen's account, even though I told him after I dated him I seldom went on to Zen's account but then so happen everytime he thinks I'm always sneaking onto Zen's account while he's not online/around. I mean come on, really?? I went on Zen almost everyday back then, doesnt mean that Im talking to anyone, and plus I already stop talking to every close friend I have on Zen's account, I bet now they are wondering where the hell did Zen go. Doesnt matter, something just have to end, I know Zen's ending someday too.
One thing is for sure that Jack has the power to make me delete Zen's account once and for all, I can tell that he's the one for me. If I wasnt serious about him I wouldnt give a shit if he said he's jealous about me going on Zen's account.
Anyway ~~~ I found out something about Jack, like a huge secret of his, that I have suspected before but I never want to believe or search the answer for, well , he told me, last year, after our 5th month, I was kinda shock and doesnt really want to believe it, its not because I couldnt accept what he told me, its because I couldnt accept him keeping it from me after we've been going out for almost half a year, I mean really, I love him so much that everything aside its just a bonus, I love him for him, not how or who he is.
The only thing Im worrying about is my family pressure that'll put on him, he deserve something better, I dont want him to take any pressure from my family... I just hope my family will understand .
I totally accept everything about him, not even a single thing I thought about that I couldn't accept, because I love him, so much . If I don't have the family pressure behind me, I would be so happy to tell my parents everything about it without worrying about if they refuse me to be with him.
Well, the last thing about our IMVU life is, he proposed to me ♥ I gotta tell ya, even though its just a virtual proposal, you will still felt like you've grown up a little and taking responsibilities in this relationship, Im really touched ♥
And so far, we haven't really get into voice call/ webcam chats yet, as expected like always, still type chatting. But we did exchange our phone numbers, so that we could text each other when Im outside without any internet, but now I sign up a phone plan with my UK number that has unlimited internet access, so I can go on to facebook and talk to him anytime, but sometimes when the internet is stuffing up we still text one and other.
He wakes me up every morning ♥ although sometimes I get grumpy because of that, but get to think of it, getting to wake your lover / being wake by your love is one of the sweetest things you can ever experience ♥ Thank you for staying with me all this while Boo, even though Im so hard to handle >_< ♥ But as long as you know no matter how grumpy I get, I still love you ♥ Sometimes I got busy, and didnt have enough time for him , he'll get upset and pout , LOL how cute ♥♥♥ I told him I'll try to make time for him as much as possible, because I still have to go to Uni, and such, I might not have 24 hours for him.
We talked out (after a fight too ) about how much alone time I need for my work and for myself, and we agree on everything, giving each other some alone time sometimes, but still get to talk to each other everyday , saying good morning, welcome home and good night to each other ♥ that's just so sweet to do ♥
Oh and Valentines just passed 2 days ago, I made him a Date Jar and a Valentines card I designed myself, and I sent it along with some little gifts I bought for him from UK, hope he'll receive them sooner or later xD Im so excited ! Because I didnt tell him I sent something to him :x its a surprise ~~~ It cost me about £40+ in total for 2 package/parcel to sent our to Australia, because one package its to heavy (over 2kg) , it'll cost me £60-70 if I insisted to send it in one package. I chose the express mail, hope it'll arrive soon.
One thing that pisses me off is he doesnt know his own address, I end up have to ask for his friend's address in order to give it to him, I sent it to his friend's house, and his friend will take it to him, just like his mom send things to him, well thanks to his sister Mary, I got the address and did all the sendings. I just hope my jar is still in one piece when it reaches there >___<
Well, so far that's it guys ! I'll try to keep things updated ! Just ask me anything if you feel like it :D Once again, I miss you guys so much !! Wynd, Phyl/Winson/ Yiling ! and of course my family (especially my dogs ) so much too ♥ haha
It's been awhile since my last update, I know, I KNOW ~~~~
Something happened since my last update, like really, something BIG and LIFE changing happened to me. At least that's what I think of.
As you can see, I skipped from Third page of Love to Fifth page of Love, where is the Forth page of Love then? lol great question, it's under my draft list :P I was meant to post something up but then I've been dragging day by day and slowly, I forgot what I was suppose to type /post , so I just left it in the draft list. But no worries, I'll talk about a little bit about what's happening on Forth page of Love in a while.
Well, Its 2014 now ! (Obviously, its already February) and I'm in my second year/second semester now :D and in the second semester of my course, we are given an opportunity of 2 pathways to continue in either Illustration or Animation Option module, that means I can do animation course for my second semester, how cool is that xD and by the decisions I made this time, I can choose to finish my final year (year 3) in either Illustration or Animation, If I choose to go to Animation to do my final year, my degree will be Degree in Illustration & Animation ; and if I choose to go back to Illustration , my degree will be Degree in Illustration only. I'm thinking of continuing my final year doing Animation, it's digital base after all, I still love animation. (Actually I kinda regret why I didnt listen to my dad about doing animation in the first place. Screw myself really. ) And guess what? Because of this I've been getting closer to Kim and Bethan :D because they are doing Animation Option as well, how great is that xD
So, how's my life here?
My life here is pretty good actually. As Phyl( or Winson, he decides to change his name) said I am an Introvert . Meaning, I like being alone but doesn't like being lonely and do not like to entertain long hours and do not like to hangout in a huge crowd. Basically its true. Anyway, I made new friends in this new semester, not only that, I'm kinda getting use to saying hi to random people, smiling to strangers along the hall way, helping strangers in need, well I meant in Uni, still not doing so well on the streets, haha, I guess I'm okay with it for now.
I've been going out with Seraphine quite alot last month, and she stayed over at my place too, she's been telling me about her crush and all, interesting, but sometimes gets on my nerves because she still need some advice on how to deal with feelings and such, I personally doesnt like her so-called crush of hers that much, because I think that guy should be a mature man to set things right between Seraphine and himself. That's just my opinion, sometimes I feel pity for her, but the good thing about Seraphine is she never stop smiling and laughing, that's what I like about her/hanging out with her, we can be so stupid and silly sometimes, lol she is definitely my first ever best-friend since I came to Bristol. A friend that I want to hangout with, a friend who I can call anytime to meet with, feels great :)
Okay my projects, this semester, I have currently 3 projects, one is the pro practice project with Alex, and second is the animation option module project (task to create a 90 seconds short animation clip/film) , and third is this visual culture essay (also the one project I pay very least attention to) I hope I could handle them all well/on time, because my last minute bad habit still hasn't change yet, Jack's been mumbling about it a last 2 weeks :I (sorry ! that's just how I brought up to be, screw you M'sia ! I'll change :I )
Well, life's update so far for now, Oh and I will be updating a new blog for my Pro Prac project, documenting my artwork and such, its different compare to Deviantart, my Deviantart is too messy :I
I'm gonna put up the link at the side once the new blog is up :)
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Okay ! Love life, my love life .... Hmmm, don't really how should I start or where should I start, but I'll try my best to get things summarize as possible, for my Forth page of Love.
The last thing I mentioned about my love life in here is Jack and I going out and such, on IMVU, and now we've been keeping contact into more social media network, like Skype and Facebook , Skype only lasted a few weeks, after we added each other's Facebook, we talked/chat more often on FB. And frankly , now we didnt go on IMVU anymore, and plus we had a huge fight after I came back to Bristol from the Christmas break in Msia. We argued big time, and I kinda broke down quite hard by that time, I deleted my precious IMVU-Zen's account, even though I told him after I dated him I seldom went on to Zen's account but then so happen everytime he thinks I'm always sneaking onto Zen's account while he's not online/around. I mean come on, really?? I went on Zen almost everyday back then, doesnt mean that Im talking to anyone, and plus I already stop talking to every close friend I have on Zen's account, I bet now they are wondering where the hell did Zen go. Doesnt matter, something just have to end, I know Zen's ending someday too.
One thing is for sure that Jack has the power to make me delete Zen's account once and for all, I can tell that he's the one for me. If I wasnt serious about him I wouldnt give a shit if he said he's jealous about me going on Zen's account.
Anyway ~~~ I found out something about Jack, like a huge secret of his, that I have suspected before but I never want to believe or search the answer for, well , he told me, last year, after our 5th month, I was kinda shock and doesnt really want to believe it, its not because I couldnt accept what he told me, its because I couldnt accept him keeping it from me after we've been going out for almost half a year, I mean really, I love him so much that everything aside its just a bonus, I love him for him, not how or who he is.
The only thing Im worrying about is my family pressure that'll put on him, he deserve something better, I dont want him to take any pressure from my family... I just hope my family will understand .
I totally accept everything about him, not even a single thing I thought about that I couldn't accept, because I love him, so much . If I don't have the family pressure behind me, I would be so happy to tell my parents everything about it without worrying about if they refuse me to be with him.
Well, the last thing about our IMVU life is, he proposed to me ♥ I gotta tell ya, even though its just a virtual proposal, you will still felt like you've grown up a little and taking responsibilities in this relationship, Im really touched ♥
And so far, we haven't really get into voice call/ webcam chats yet, as expected like always, still type chatting. But we did exchange our phone numbers, so that we could text each other when Im outside without any internet, but now I sign up a phone plan with my UK number that has unlimited internet access, so I can go on to facebook and talk to him anytime, but sometimes when the internet is stuffing up we still text one and other.
He wakes me up every morning ♥ although sometimes I get grumpy because of that, but get to think of it, getting to wake your lover / being wake by your love is one of the sweetest things you can ever experience ♥ Thank you for staying with me all this while Boo, even though Im so hard to handle >_< ♥ But as long as you know no matter how grumpy I get, I still love you ♥ Sometimes I got busy, and didnt have enough time for him , he'll get upset and pout , LOL how cute ♥♥♥ I told him I'll try to make time for him as much as possible, because I still have to go to Uni, and such, I might not have 24 hours for him.
We talked out (after a fight too ) about how much alone time I need for my work and for myself, and we agree on everything, giving each other some alone time sometimes, but still get to talk to each other everyday , saying good morning, welcome home and good night to each other ♥ that's just so sweet to do ♥
Oh and Valentines just passed 2 days ago, I made him a Date Jar and a Valentines card I designed myself, and I sent it along with some little gifts I bought for him from UK, hope he'll receive them sooner or later xD Im so excited ! Because I didnt tell him I sent something to him :x its a surprise ~~~ It cost me about £40+ in total for 2 package/parcel to sent our to Australia, because one package its to heavy (over 2kg) , it'll cost me £60-70 if I insisted to send it in one package. I chose the express mail, hope it'll arrive soon.
One thing that pisses me off is he doesnt know his own address, I end up have to ask for his friend's address in order to give it to him, I sent it to his friend's house, and his friend will take it to him, just like his mom send things to him, well thanks to his sister Mary, I got the address and did all the sendings. I just hope my jar is still in one piece when it reaches there >___<
Well, so far that's it guys ! I'll try to keep things updated ! Just ask me anything if you feel like it :D Once again, I miss you guys so much !! Wynd, Phyl/Winson/ Yiling ! and of course my family (especially my dogs ) so much too ♥ haha
Wednesday, 25 September 2013
Not my Intention
How long I've been in UK ?
2-3 weeks, nearly. And I'm still not use to it.
Not use to what ? I couldn't blend in.
Maybe I'm still under culture shock, or maybe a little home sick still. I don't know , I just don't feel as comfortable as I wanted to.
Elicia seems to have a great time, she's starting to have more friends coming in her way, and joining different people, seems like I'm no longer needed to be in her life anymore. Where did the "take-care-of-each-other" idea go now ? It's like "you-have-your-life-and-I-have-mine" now. She always ask me to join people la, go la, talk to them la, make friends la.
HELLO ?! Like I wasnt trying ?? I Am trying ! I didnt know it would be that hard for me. I'm bloody quiet and I'm not talkative in anyways, what more can you expect from me? I'm trying to be more social able, I'm really trying. But each time when I get into a stupid conversation with someone new, I'll be like "shut-my-mind-to-avoid-saying-something-offensive" , that's why I'd rather stay quiet and dont talk at all.
Everytime when Im trying to get along and join the conversation, you guys ignored me. Okay you asked me to join, fine, I asked Can I join? You'll be like " uhm... its kinda like an old friend gathering thingy, I dont want you to be bored~ and so on" , that's what I get from you.
Seriously ? This is how you treat me? This is how you treat a friend?
I dont know why are you/ your parents are worrying you in this new life, you have so many friends with you, they come to you without you even approaching much to them. Im not like you, I dont have any friends with me but you. I have nobody with me Elicia. Nobody. What else could I do? Who else more could I hang out with ?
I always tell myself, my friends and family are still with me, in heart, Jack is still with me. I don't need to be afraid about anything, I dont need to worry. Im literally comforting myself with my own words.
Oh and Jack, this relationship is for real. I'm not playing anymore online games/relationships, I only want a quiet and stable relationship with him. Yes I know he's still hiding himself from me, but at the same time, he's proving himself to me that his love for me is real. And I believed him.
Just give us some time, I'll show you, we aren't playing about this relationship. I really wish, everything in between us will be real. He's one of the reasons that keeps me moving on each day, Im staying strong and keeping my head together, because I want to meet him one day. Dont know how long I have to wait, but I want to , and I will.
Lastly, there's nothing I missed more than my family, my dad, my mom, my brothers, my dogs. I really missed them so damn much... ♥ Hope everything back in M'sia is fine? I'm fine here too dont worry, I'll keep smiling and look up , keep moving forward .
2-3 weeks, nearly. And I'm still not use to it.
Not use to what ? I couldn't blend in.
Maybe I'm still under culture shock, or maybe a little home sick still. I don't know , I just don't feel as comfortable as I wanted to.
Elicia seems to have a great time, she's starting to have more friends coming in her way, and joining different people, seems like I'm no longer needed to be in her life anymore. Where did the "take-care-of-each-other" idea go now ? It's like "you-have-your-life-and-I-have-mine" now. She always ask me to join people la, go la, talk to them la, make friends la.
HELLO ?! Like I wasnt trying ?? I Am trying ! I didnt know it would be that hard for me. I'm bloody quiet and I'm not talkative in anyways, what more can you expect from me? I'm trying to be more social able, I'm really trying. But each time when I get into a stupid conversation with someone new, I'll be like "shut-my-mind-to-avoid-saying-something-offensive" , that's why I'd rather stay quiet and dont talk at all.
Everytime when Im trying to get along and join the conversation, you guys ignored me. Okay you asked me to join, fine, I asked Can I join? You'll be like " uhm... its kinda like an old friend gathering thingy, I dont want you to be bored~ and so on" , that's what I get from you.
Seriously ? This is how you treat me? This is how you treat a friend?
I dont know why are you/ your parents are worrying you in this new life, you have so many friends with you, they come to you without you even approaching much to them. Im not like you, I dont have any friends with me but you. I have nobody with me Elicia. Nobody. What else could I do? Who else more could I hang out with ?
I always tell myself, my friends and family are still with me, in heart, Jack is still with me. I don't need to be afraid about anything, I dont need to worry. Im literally comforting myself with my own words.
Oh and Jack, this relationship is for real. I'm not playing anymore online games/relationships, I only want a quiet and stable relationship with him. Yes I know he's still hiding himself from me, but at the same time, he's proving himself to me that his love for me is real. And I believed him.
Just give us some time, I'll show you, we aren't playing about this relationship. I really wish, everything in between us will be real. He's one of the reasons that keeps me moving on each day, Im staying strong and keeping my head together, because I want to meet him one day. Dont know how long I have to wait, but I want to , and I will.
Lastly, there's nothing I missed more than my family, my dad, my mom, my brothers, my dogs. I really missed them so damn much... ♥ Hope everything back in M'sia is fine? I'm fine here too dont worry, I'll keep smiling and look up , keep moving forward .
Happenings + Third page of Love
Well, this morning I woke up and the flat was like, NO WATER ! @_@
And luckily it's Saturday and everyone gets to stay home for a while and chill , do what's need to be done, but some of my building mates' rooms got flood, funny huh? I don't know how it'll be flooded.
So I just took breakfast in my room, watch a few chapters of show, and yeah, maybe I'll go get a phone or something. Tonight I'm going to Frenchay for the Freshers Closing Party :D With my Roommates x)
Well this is the first time I approach to them , I can do anything if I make my first move.
And honestly, all my friends and family can see that my confident level shouldn't be as low as how I rated myself to be, I know I can be better, I know I AM better. I just need to boots up my confident level and talk to people, just like the video said : No one is going to laugh at you, just chill and be yourself.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He kinda brought up the topic and talked to me about us the other day.
He asked me if I thought that he was holding back on me.
Am I? Yeap, honestly I am.
Why will I think it that way ? he asked.
I said , Maybe I'm not worth knowing everything about you.
He sighed and said , Of course not , the reason he's holding back it's because he felt like Im holding back on him too.
.................What the hell... it's a joke right? LOL
But knowing that I deserve to know more about him ,makes me relief . Makes me felt like I can be part of his life. He has a great mom I know, his mom meant everything to him, and that's basically what I love about him too, loving family :)
We talked for a bit about how and why we both are holding back on each other , it was pretty funny to know the reasons, but we sort it out, kinda. I know he's revealing more about himself to me, I know he's trying to share part of what he's experiencing to me each time. I know, sometimes I don't say it out but I can feel, and I know.
Girls are always sensitive and always thinking a lot, that's why I prefer to hang out/ be a guy always, that way I could cut down unwanted girl dramas, lol , My point is:
I have plenty of time to wait for you to tell me everything you wanted me to know about you. I promise I'll be a good girl, I won't ask questions you don't wish to answer, I won't act like a baby demanding more from you each time, I will do anything just to keep the smile on your face :) My dear Jack ♥
And luckily it's Saturday and everyone gets to stay home for a while and chill , do what's need to be done, but some of my building mates' rooms got flood, funny huh? I don't know how it'll be flooded.
So I just took breakfast in my room, watch a few chapters of show, and yeah, maybe I'll go get a phone or something. Tonight I'm going to Frenchay for the Freshers Closing Party :D With my Roommates x)
Well this is the first time I approach to them , I can do anything if I make my first move.
And honestly, all my friends and family can see that my confident level shouldn't be as low as how I rated myself to be, I know I can be better, I know I AM better. I just need to boots up my confident level and talk to people, just like the video said : No one is going to laugh at you, just chill and be yourself.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He kinda brought up the topic and talked to me about us the other day.
He asked me if I thought that he was holding back on me.
Am I? Yeap, honestly I am.
Why will I think it that way ? he asked.
I said , Maybe I'm not worth knowing everything about you.
He sighed and said , Of course not , the reason he's holding back it's because he felt like Im holding back on him too.
.................What the hell... it's a joke right? LOL
But knowing that I deserve to know more about him ,makes me relief . Makes me felt like I can be part of his life. He has a great mom I know, his mom meant everything to him, and that's basically what I love about him too, loving family :)
We talked for a bit about how and why we both are holding back on each other , it was pretty funny to know the reasons, but we sort it out, kinda. I know he's revealing more about himself to me, I know he's trying to share part of what he's experiencing to me each time. I know, sometimes I don't say it out but I can feel, and I know.
Girls are always sensitive and always thinking a lot, that's why I prefer to hang out/ be a guy always, that way I could cut down unwanted girl dramas, lol , My point is:
I have plenty of time to wait for you to tell me everything you wanted me to know about you. I promise I'll be a good girl, I won't ask questions you don't wish to answer, I won't act like a baby demanding more from you each time, I will do anything just to keep the smile on your face :) My dear Jack ♥
Monday, 16 September 2013
Home Sick
Damn... after one week only I felt homesick, it sucks man...... can't stop crying and I miss my family so much ~~~~~~~~ I think something happened in the campus just now, I might have said something offensive to Elicia but without myself noticing it until her attitude totally changed on me.
I was like, Fuck......what did I do/said..........and then I started to panic, I mean really , I'm nervous and I felt so helpless asking myself "Did I say something ?? what did I said ?? what did I do??" I know I came out late when the bus arrived, but at least I still ran out on time . Oh my gosh Elicia, I'm so sorry if I ever said anything offensive to you just now, my brain was half functioning and I didn't really filter what came out from my mouth, I really didn't mean it ~~~
Is it because I said wasted 2 hours to listen to the stupid International Briefing ? I think... it is , isn't it ? I was actually kinda pissed and nervous because I haven't registered myself yet, I'm afraid that I can't make it on time or something, that's why I was like blaming the long talk, I was only blaming for the long talk, no other reasons, and hell the orientation time for different courses kinda messed up the schedule , I thought we all starts at 10am, but ended up we have to follow the personal registration time, which also meant the course orientation.
Haiz..........I caught a fever 2 days ago, but I'm fully recovered now I think , well sometimes still feel slight headache, but I guess it'll wear off sooner or later by tomorrow.
And tomorrow we have to go to the campus again...... mine is having a workshop, sorta, I don't know about Elicia's, probably the same? We both have to be there before 10am, so decided to take the 9am bus.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After crying out loud, I feel much better I think :) And I looked at the bookmarks Phyl wrote to me, kept reminding myself "It's just homesick, I'll be okay" and plus because of today's orientation, I didn't have to chance to Skype my parents, I was like, OMG everyday I can skype with them but today I missed, suddenly miss them so much ;;>.<;; , so I took pictures , and post it to out family facebook page, hopefully they can still know I'm doing okay over here. :)
** I love you Dii, Mii, and of course my two lovely brothers too xD and I missed you guys alot !
I was like, Fuck......what did I do/said..........and then I started to panic, I mean really , I'm nervous and I felt so helpless asking myself "Did I say something ?? what did I said ?? what did I do??" I know I came out late when the bus arrived, but at least I still ran out on time . Oh my gosh Elicia, I'm so sorry if I ever said anything offensive to you just now, my brain was half functioning and I didn't really filter what came out from my mouth, I really didn't mean it ~~~
Is it because I said wasted 2 hours to listen to the stupid International Briefing ? I think... it is , isn't it ? I was actually kinda pissed and nervous because I haven't registered myself yet, I'm afraid that I can't make it on time or something, that's why I was like blaming the long talk, I was only blaming for the long talk, no other reasons, and hell the orientation time for different courses kinda messed up the schedule , I thought we all starts at 10am, but ended up we have to follow the personal registration time, which also meant the course orientation.
Haiz..........I caught a fever 2 days ago, but I'm fully recovered now I think , well sometimes still feel slight headache, but I guess it'll wear off sooner or later by tomorrow.
And tomorrow we have to go to the campus again...... mine is having a workshop, sorta, I don't know about Elicia's, probably the same? We both have to be there before 10am, so decided to take the 9am bus.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After crying out loud, I feel much better I think :) And I looked at the bookmarks Phyl wrote to me, kept reminding myself "It's just homesick, I'll be okay" and plus because of today's orientation, I didn't have to chance to Skype my parents, I was like, OMG everyday I can skype with them but today I missed, suddenly miss them so much ;;>.<;; , so I took pictures , and post it to out family facebook page, hopefully they can still know I'm doing okay over here. :)
** I love you Dii, Mii, and of course my two lovely brothers too xD and I missed you guys alot !
Friday, 13 September 2013
Happenings + Second page of Love
There we go again, blog update time. This time, a little different.
This time, I'm in United Kingdom (UK) :)
Pursuing my next level of education, taking up the next level of challenge in life . I couldn't be more blessed and grateful to be actually sitting right here in my hostel room, blogging like this.
We're talking about UK, the currency rate is like, 5.2%. We all know, how much that cost us, and I'm hell lucky to have this chance, to be here right now.
So, everything over here is fine so far, its just the 3rd day , and I bet I can get use to it sooner or later.
Homesick? Nope, not really that I noticed yet. But when I'm Skyping with my family, they showed me my dogs, my baby Sky ♥ , I just cried all of a sudden. Don't compliment, I know its not fair to my parents or brothers, hahaha... well, I guess that's most probably what I'll do.
I'm always keeping the smile on my face in front of my parents and my brothers, that's the only way to not let them worried about me so much. I know I can't say things like nothing will happen here, or like you guys are just worrying to much. No that's what bitches do , but I'm a bitch with kindness and brains, so yeah. LOL (I did not just said that , WTF xD)
Anyways, I can cook my own, I can handle myself so far, the only problem is, mixing around with the locals here. Like my flat-mate.
Her name is Amreen, she's going to be studying Fashion Design, and she's kinda like a mix ( According to her) , and I'm not going into detailed to that, I'll just skip/ She's only 18, and she goes out every night. Yes, EVERY NIGHT. Where did she go ? Partying of course, going out to other rooms, going down to bars and puds nearby, hanging out with people there. I was like, Are you sure you know what you're up against with? She said " Yeah ! I'm in Bristol ! Gotta keep the party up ! " So what can I say more? its not my business that I know. She came back late nights, I do not even know when or what is the specific time to be precise, and she woke up like 12-1pm every morning UK time.
It's fine, I told her. Because she thought she was bothering me . She was going in and out of the hostel and making door noises. I'm an easy going person, so no big deal. I don't mind really, in fact, I kinda liked it too, I'm having more of my privacy time :)
Weather in UK is okay so far, sometimes its blowing cooling wind, and sometimes it's just cool air, and plus now its sorta like the raining season.
To be honest, I love to join the parties they're having every day, every night. But I'm alone and my confident level is like nearly to 0%. I don't want to get any racist look or awkward eye sights from others, I mean I know how it works to communicate with people but, I'm just not the too out going type. I'm actually kinda shy , lol . I'll only feel comfortable with places where people couldn't see me, that way, I can reveal what's really kicking inside of me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alright, let's see how it's going in the love story of mine ♥
It's already been 2 months since we dated, 3 more days then it's our 3rd month. I can't really believe its already been 3 months. I thought it wont last for 2 weeks at first. xD
He's treating me really nice, and no doubt I can really feel his love. I don't really know what or how, but just, it's like he's trying to convince me into trusting him a little more, be a little more reliable on him than I was before, he's trying to get everything out of me I can say.
But still, its an online relationship, and I myself know, that online relationships, aren't really meant to be beautiful at the end.
Maybe he's the special for me that I can never deny about it. I don't trust him, but I trust his love for me. One bad thing about him is that, he wouldn't expose or express more of himself to me, and I don't really know why. I'm opening up more and more to you, but it's really dissapointed and said to know that I'm not the person you want to share yourself with.
Why ?
He's always asking me why every time I asked him something. Does that mean he don't trust me ?
If he trusted me, he shouldn't have ask me more about what I want to know, right ?
I know he's not revealing himself to me, but I kinda feel like he's trying to, just one at a time.
And seriously, he treat this relationship so preciously , that I didn't even have the intention to be mad at him about everything.
Why can't he want me more? If he really wants me to be part of his life, why wouldn't he show me his effort and convince me more ? It's not like I'll fall for another person. I may flirt a lot but flirting and falling in love is a hell two different kind of things we're talking about.
I know I liked him a lot, more than I could even imagine. If one day he let me know everything of this happening right now is a fake, I swear I'll hate him for the rest of my life and I can never trust anyone in love again. I may look strong, but deep down I'm still a girl with a soft heart, which can be easily break.
I'm scared. I don't know whether to really trust him? or just let time play our role? I'm not confident about myself, am I worth loving to him ? Do I deserve everything he said to me ? Can I trust him this time?
Thank you for letting him into my life, I have never felt this great before until I met him. He's not perfect, but I have a feeling that he'll be perfect for me.
Don't give up Ven :D Tell me he's worth it ♥
This time, I'm in United Kingdom (UK) :)
Pursuing my next level of education, taking up the next level of challenge in life . I couldn't be more blessed and grateful to be actually sitting right here in my hostel room, blogging like this.
We're talking about UK, the currency rate is like, 5.2%. We all know, how much that cost us, and I'm hell lucky to have this chance, to be here right now.
So, everything over here is fine so far, its just the 3rd day , and I bet I can get use to it sooner or later.
Homesick? Nope, not really that I noticed yet. But when I'm Skyping with my family, they showed me my dogs, my baby Sky ♥ , I just cried all of a sudden. Don't compliment, I know its not fair to my parents or brothers, hahaha... well, I guess that's most probably what I'll do.
I'm always keeping the smile on my face in front of my parents and my brothers, that's the only way to not let them worried about me so much. I know I can't say things like nothing will happen here, or like you guys are just worrying to much. No that's what bitches do , but I'm a bitch with kindness and brains, so yeah. LOL (I did not just said that , WTF xD)
Anyways, I can cook my own, I can handle myself so far, the only problem is, mixing around with the locals here. Like my flat-mate.
Her name is Amreen, she's going to be studying Fashion Design, and she's kinda like a mix ( According to her) , and I'm not going into detailed to that, I'll just skip/ She's only 18, and she goes out every night. Yes, EVERY NIGHT. Where did she go ? Partying of course, going out to other rooms, going down to bars and puds nearby, hanging out with people there. I was like, Are you sure you know what you're up against with? She said " Yeah ! I'm in Bristol ! Gotta keep the party up ! " So what can I say more? its not my business that I know. She came back late nights, I do not even know when or what is the specific time to be precise, and she woke up like 12-1pm every morning UK time.
It's fine, I told her. Because she thought she was bothering me . She was going in and out of the hostel and making door noises. I'm an easy going person, so no big deal. I don't mind really, in fact, I kinda liked it too, I'm having more of my privacy time :)
Weather in UK is okay so far, sometimes its blowing cooling wind, and sometimes it's just cool air, and plus now its sorta like the raining season.
To be honest, I love to join the parties they're having every day, every night. But I'm alone and my confident level is like nearly to 0%. I don't want to get any racist look or awkward eye sights from others, I mean I know how it works to communicate with people but, I'm just not the too out going type. I'm actually kinda shy , lol . I'll only feel comfortable with places where people couldn't see me, that way, I can reveal what's really kicking inside of me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alright, let's see how it's going in the love story of mine ♥
It's already been 2 months since we dated, 3 more days then it's our 3rd month. I can't really believe its already been 3 months. I thought it wont last for 2 weeks at first. xD
He's treating me really nice, and no doubt I can really feel his love. I don't really know what or how, but just, it's like he's trying to convince me into trusting him a little more, be a little more reliable on him than I was before, he's trying to get everything out of me I can say.
But still, its an online relationship, and I myself know, that online relationships, aren't really meant to be beautiful at the end.
Maybe he's the special for me that I can never deny about it. I don't trust him, but I trust his love for me. One bad thing about him is that, he wouldn't expose or express more of himself to me, and I don't really know why. I'm opening up more and more to you, but it's really dissapointed and said to know that I'm not the person you want to share yourself with.
Why ?
He's always asking me why every time I asked him something. Does that mean he don't trust me ?
If he trusted me, he shouldn't have ask me more about what I want to know, right ?
I know he's not revealing himself to me, but I kinda feel like he's trying to, just one at a time.
And seriously, he treat this relationship so preciously , that I didn't even have the intention to be mad at him about everything.
Why can't he want me more? If he really wants me to be part of his life, why wouldn't he show me his effort and convince me more ? It's not like I'll fall for another person. I may flirt a lot but flirting and falling in love is a hell two different kind of things we're talking about.
I know I liked him a lot, more than I could even imagine. If one day he let me know everything of this happening right now is a fake, I swear I'll hate him for the rest of my life and I can never trust anyone in love again. I may look strong, but deep down I'm still a girl with a soft heart, which can be easily break.
I'm scared. I don't know whether to really trust him? or just let time play our role? I'm not confident about myself, am I worth loving to him ? Do I deserve everything he said to me ? Can I trust him this time?
Thank you for letting him into my life, I have never felt this great before until I met him. He's not perfect, but I have a feeling that he'll be perfect for me.
Don't give up Ven :D Tell me he's worth it ♥
Tuesday, 30 July 2013
Happenings + First page of Love
My last post was on the April, and now its already July. I've missed months to update this thing.
So I guess I could do a little update now.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well my recent status would be : Waiting for the time to fly to UK.
I've paid what I need to pay, submit what I need to submit, booked what I need to book. I got my Visa too xD So far so good I guess.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lately, amazing things happened to me. ( I could say, maybe)
About ?
I think Im inLove.
I dont know how he did it but he really pushed me to my limits and I just cant take it anymore. He made me confessed everything.
2 months ago, I was still busying with my business, online every night and most of all, my favorite social network site : IMVU.
As usual, I like to come online with Zen's account. Just usual chatting, meeting people, visiting old friends. Until one time, I bumped into this Room, and I met him. He was chatting with his friend I guess, I was rather quiet for the first few minutes, but then his friend went to bed, so I thought I should leave the room too, but instead I choose to stay and have a little chat with him.
Im glad, I stayed.
That day onwards, we continue keeping contact with each other, chatting if we're both online, sending messages if we cant meet up online. It was just something we have to do each day, to know each other's happenings, it became a habit to both of us. We started to fall for each other (male to male) , I felt it, and I think he felt it too, but the thing is he never really proposed to move into another step, probably I thought it was his ex that he hasnt get over yet (at that time). So I took a bet, and tried to ask him : I cant imagine if we're dating. He giggled and replied : Wanna try ? . I try to act dumb and pretend I dont understand his point, he continued : We could try to date .
Try to date. That's what he said.
So we dated, at first things was going well, as usual like my previous relationships on here, not moving too fast, or getting too real. I kinda like that feeling. He knows what I want, he just gets me easily without me telling him anything. By the way, I couldnt imagine two Tops can date (he's a top too, like Zen) , this time, Im the bottom, sorta. He isnt like the other guys I've met in here, most of them in here I met at least more than half of them will get into dirty talks and starts to flirt around trying to get you dirty minded. But this guy, he's just different. He took care of me (Zen) , comforting me, I felt loved. I mean seriously, I really felt his love.
He bought a phone just to come online to chat with me when he's at work. He's (22) a bartender, working all night till morning. I said I want to stay until he get off work, but he force me to go to bed, he knew I was sleepy. I just cant resist him, so I'll listen to what he said. next morning, we woke up more or less the same time, maybe 10 minutes early or later than each other (His time is 2 hours ahead of mine) . So we still can have a short chat in the morning.
Im starting to really fall for him, Im not joking, I know myself, Im a very secretive person, if Im in the game (IMVU) , I wont pull myself too far away, I have my distance and my rules to keep. I wont go any further that'll involve into real life and virtual happenings. But one day, just that one day, I missed his birthday so I asked him what he wants I will gift him as a late birthday gift, he said he already have what he wants, that's having me ( Awh ♥) but I ask him to pick again, that doesnt count, so he said :
"Just for you to always be who you really are."
Tears just came running down my cheek once I read what he said. Now I really felt the fact about " Loving someone so much that'll make you cry" . I couldnt take the fact that Im actually lying to him about myself. It just frustrating each time we talk I felt guilty because I lied to him about myself. Lying about :
Im a girl. Zen doesnt exist.
My walls broke down, so I took up my guts and tells him the truth.
Zen: Do you trust me?
Him: I do.
Zen: You couldnt trust me.
Him: Why not ?
Zen: Im a liar. I always make up stories to create topics.
Him: I know. I do that too sometimes, but it doesnt bother me.
Zen: You dont understand ...I felt guilty and pressure all this while with you, I cant stand myself lying to you anymore, I really gotta stop this going on.
Him: Dont stop, No.
Zen: I gotta stop thinking too much...
Him: Look at me. Do you trust me ?
Zen: Of course I trust you.
Him: Then tell me what's wrong. I love you and you know that.
Zen: Im a girl , Im not a guy.
Him: That's it ? So my thoughts were true?
Zen: What ...? You knew ?
Him: Zen, come on, a girl always has their signs, I did suspected, but I believe one day you will tell me yourself, and you did :)
Zen: Awh ...
Him: I dont care if you're a girl or a guy, I just love you, only you.
** Well the conversation isnt really how it goes above, but the point is there.
That moment, the rock on my chest just falls off and I feel all relieved. I finally told him the truth. He didnt blame me, never did, instead he said he love me even more now. Which made me think Im really falling for this guy.
He told me he'll be visiting different places soon (Currently still living in Australia) for the job offers, UK is one of the place he'll go. He know Im going to UK this September. I never said anything about one day we'll ever meet up, but he just mentioned to me he'll drop by to meet me face to face when he got there. I dont know wather if he's just saying or trying to make me happy, but if its just a lie, Im still happy about it ♥ I wont get too excited and put too much hope. After all its something that MIGHT happen in a few months time. I'll still play my part. I wont push him nor myself to go further. Cause I always tell him : We've plenty of time in future, what's the rush?
But I wish it'll happen.
So I could continue a Love Story that I've always dream of, happening on my 21st ♥
###
So I guess I could do a little update now.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well my recent status would be : Waiting for the time to fly to UK.
I've paid what I need to pay, submit what I need to submit, booked what I need to book. I got my Visa too xD So far so good I guess.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lately, amazing things happened to me. ( I could say, maybe)
About ?
I think Im inLove.
I dont know how he did it but he really pushed me to my limits and I just cant take it anymore. He made me confessed everything.
2 months ago, I was still busying with my business, online every night and most of all, my favorite social network site : IMVU.
As usual, I like to come online with Zen's account. Just usual chatting, meeting people, visiting old friends. Until one time, I bumped into this Room, and I met him. He was chatting with his friend I guess, I was rather quiet for the first few minutes, but then his friend went to bed, so I thought I should leave the room too, but instead I choose to stay and have a little chat with him.
Im glad, I stayed.
That day onwards, we continue keeping contact with each other, chatting if we're both online, sending messages if we cant meet up online. It was just something we have to do each day, to know each other's happenings, it became a habit to both of us. We started to fall for each other (male to male) , I felt it, and I think he felt it too, but the thing is he never really proposed to move into another step, probably I thought it was his ex that he hasnt get over yet (at that time). So I took a bet, and tried to ask him : I cant imagine if we're dating. He giggled and replied : Wanna try ? . I try to act dumb and pretend I dont understand his point, he continued : We could try to date .
Try to date. That's what he said.
So we dated, at first things was going well, as usual like my previous relationships on here, not moving too fast, or getting too real. I kinda like that feeling. He knows what I want, he just gets me easily without me telling him anything. By the way, I couldnt imagine two Tops can date (he's a top too, like Zen) , this time, Im the bottom, sorta. He isnt like the other guys I've met in here, most of them in here I met at least more than half of them will get into dirty talks and starts to flirt around trying to get you dirty minded. But this guy, he's just different. He took care of me (Zen) , comforting me, I felt loved. I mean seriously, I really felt his love.
He bought a phone just to come online to chat with me when he's at work. He's (22) a bartender, working all night till morning. I said I want to stay until he get off work, but he force me to go to bed, he knew I was sleepy. I just cant resist him, so I'll listen to what he said. next morning, we woke up more or less the same time, maybe 10 minutes early or later than each other (His time is 2 hours ahead of mine) . So we still can have a short chat in the morning.
Im starting to really fall for him, Im not joking, I know myself, Im a very secretive person, if Im in the game (IMVU) , I wont pull myself too far away, I have my distance and my rules to keep. I wont go any further that'll involve into real life and virtual happenings. But one day, just that one day, I missed his birthday so I asked him what he wants I will gift him as a late birthday gift, he said he already have what he wants, that's having me ( Awh ♥) but I ask him to pick again, that doesnt count, so he said :
"Just for you to always be who you really are."
Tears just came running down my cheek once I read what he said. Now I really felt the fact about " Loving someone so much that'll make you cry" . I couldnt take the fact that Im actually lying to him about myself. It just frustrating each time we talk I felt guilty because I lied to him about myself. Lying about :
Im a girl. Zen doesnt exist.
My walls broke down, so I took up my guts and tells him the truth.
Zen: Do you trust me?
Him: I do.
Zen: You couldnt trust me.
Him: Why not ?
Zen: Im a liar. I always make up stories to create topics.
Him: I know. I do that too sometimes, but it doesnt bother me.
Zen: You dont understand ...I felt guilty and pressure all this while with you, I cant stand myself lying to you anymore, I really gotta stop this going on.
Him: Dont stop, No.
Zen: I gotta stop thinking too much...
Him: Look at me. Do you trust me ?
Zen: Of course I trust you.
Him: Then tell me what's wrong. I love you and you know that.
Zen: Im a girl , Im not a guy.
Him: That's it ? So my thoughts were true?
Zen: What ...? You knew ?
Him: Zen, come on, a girl always has their signs, I did suspected, but I believe one day you will tell me yourself, and you did :)
Zen: Awh ...
Him: I dont care if you're a girl or a guy, I just love you, only you.
** Well the conversation isnt really how it goes above, but the point is there.
That moment, the rock on my chest just falls off and I feel all relieved. I finally told him the truth. He didnt blame me, never did, instead he said he love me even more now. Which made me think Im really falling for this guy.
He told me he'll be visiting different places soon (Currently still living in Australia) for the job offers, UK is one of the place he'll go. He know Im going to UK this September. I never said anything about one day we'll ever meet up, but he just mentioned to me he'll drop by to meet me face to face when he got there. I dont know wather if he's just saying or trying to make me happy, but if its just a lie, Im still happy about it ♥ I wont get too excited and put too much hope. After all its something that MIGHT happen in a few months time. I'll still play my part. I wont push him nor myself to go further. Cause I always tell him : We've plenty of time in future, what's the rush?
But I wish it'll happen.
So I could continue a Love Story that I've always dream of, happening on my 21st ♥
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