How can I not love you , Brian

Me = Zen
Brian

Sometimes I hate IMVU because I know one day for sure something like this will happen.

People say IMVU is just a game, dont be serious.

It's not a game. I'm not a playing piece.

But how can you not be serious, when you know the person you are talking to is actually a real person with emotions

I never agree the fact that they say this is a game. This is not a game to me, not the way I see. IMVU is more like a lesson.

i've learned more from people on here than i ever have irl

That's my point.

some of my closest friends are from here. and i'll do everything in my power to keep them as friends even if they leave imvu. or i do.

Shit happens here, all kinds of shit. Just because everyone thinks its okay to 'play' , it'll turn out to be a big tragic.

because im not just friuends with an avatar. im friends with the person sitting at the computer. their personality.

when you take away. everything you know. being judged for how you look. how you act. how you talk. how you laugh. people are more real than ever. because they're not afraid to just be themselves.

Mhm

everyone's here for one reason. even if they deny it. they have to be someone theyre not in real life.

That's why I know I will never ever, EVER , find a second person to love as much as I love you

-wraps my arms around you and pulls you close- I love you too..

I kept asking myself "why you? why does it have to be you? someone from the other side of the world. Just why? " ... There wont be a future for us together , never. I know this very very clear.

We dated. But Im thankful that you stop it.

Coz I know it'll hurt even more if you didnt stop it.

I'd be willing to go to the ends of the earth to be with you. why cant there be a future for us? sure. money. could be a problem. but if you want something enough you'll fight for it.

No Brian. There's no future for us.

Im not afriad if I have to travel half way across the world to find you, Im not afriad to work day and night to earn the money, Im not afriad if you get sick and you cant live long, non of that even matters to me.

So why not just stop here, before we walked too far away ?

That's why I told myself before when I started IMVU, what happens here, stays in here. Im never ever going to take out anything that's happen in here. Coz I know its impossible.

Jack was a very good lesson for me , I tried . But it ends up this way, Im just enough of all that .

so i guess thats it.

I told you before , I dont want to start anything more than friends with you, because anything more than friends will end, but friendship wont. That's the only thing Im confident in holding on to.

sorry i need a few minutes

I love you for everything you are. I only heard about your stories from what you've told me , I might not be the one who witnessed you going through all your hard times/good times during this whole time , but Im definitely the one who's never stop watching you from far away. I said you're the best thing that's ever happened to me wasnt a lie. It's not just something that came up to my mind, because I know I really did fall for the real you.

And it's really a selfish thing to do if I know there wont be a future for us and yet I still drag you into this.

Hurting you is the only thing I dont ever want to do, but this is not under my control. Im so...so sorry.

I'm not hurt. just more of a reality check i wasnt ready for.

Every song just makes me think of you.

in a way. im proud that i taught you it's more than. just imvu. but it hurts that you wont fight for it. It won't kill me though. if im not the person you'll fight for than you will find someone else you'll find and you'll know why this had to happen.

lol

Trust me, if I could fight for you, I will do it even if it kills me.

you could. but you

you're afraid to

You're right. I am afraid.

Of losing you. Losing this friendship. Even if you said it'll never happen.

You're still precious to me. There's not only memories between us.

I cherish it.

I'm not a liar Zen. I wouldn't give up unless i've been given up on. You would never lose me as a friend unless you told me it just couldnt be anymore. a relationship is nothing more than friends. a label that says its okay to be more intimate with them. that's all it is. and when you love someone. there is no way for it to just be friendship. because you know you share on a more deeper level than you do with anyone else. no matter how hard you fight that. you can never stop it. never.

i. dont care what you look like. i dont care what language you speak natively. i dont care where youre from. where you live. i dont care if youre male or female. i dont care. i understand you. you understand me more than anyone i've ever met. im in love with who you are. not what you are. i know. even if you would show up on my doorstep. totally different than what you said. i would know you never lied. because a lie is something we all wish could be true. and here. you can be. you. its a new start. it's just secrets. and im not even sure if this is making sense. but im trying to say. the person here. is who i am. and who you are.

Why do you have to do that....O_Q...

Why do you have to say something like that

because thats what youre afraid of. not of losing me. im fighting for you. if you fought for me too. you would never, ever lose me. you're afraid of lies. what you percieve as lies anyway.

This is so unfair

How can you be so perfect

I'm not perfect. nowhere near.

x'D

i just. know you.

Better than I know myself

-runs my thumb across your cheek- I hope you choose to be happy.. I really do.

I used to think Im the one who's giving you empty hopes, all of my fears just cover up the fact that you're actually the one who's fighting for hope

Im just blinded by the fears I have in me. Im such an idiot.

you're not an idiot either :I

none of us are perfect. but two broken halves do make a whole.

But that sure as hell doesn't make us idiots.

lol

This comversation just took place for the whole night. It hurts me to know the ugly truth about him being gay and Im a girl. Even if I come clean to him , Im afraid I'll destroy this friendship. 

But,

He guaranteed. If I dont fight for him, and just give up like that, I will be destroying this friendship for sure. Nothing matters to me, money isnt a problem, distance isnt a problem. But gender is a huge problem for me. 

I thought Im giving you hope, I thought I'll be able to protect you to stay as a guy image infront of you, I thought the level of my love for you is more than enough to be the reason to stop things in between us. Because you're too precious, I couldnt afford to lose you. 

Im blinded by my fears, and the main problem is : I underestimated you Brian. 

I only thought of how much I care for you, how much I cherish our present relationship, I never thought of how the way you felt for me. I know you like me alot, I know you will do anything to make us happen. You're willing to fight for me. You're willing to bet everything you have to make us happen. 

But at the same time, I know you're not prepared to handle the whole truth.

I know you still cant handle everything. Until then my image will be totally destroy and your ideal-Zen will be gone forever. 

Zen never existed . He is just a reflection of my inner self. The other me conducting my inner ego to make things work and giving hope to despair in the virtual world. I did helped alot of people, at the same time I gave too much empty hope to people as well. Im sorry if the inner me have these loads of attraction to the virtual world. 

Im not proud of what I've done, but I felt comforted knowing that there's still someone who knows the real me and is willing to love me for who I am.

I would say, give me some time to think it through. Most importantly, give yourself some time to prepare for the worst truth of all times.

Be prepared for yourself, to handle the Real Me.