Cant deny, I miss him.

After a silent Autumn.

So, Jack sent me a message today.

"Hello Hsin Yang. It's been a long time hasn't it? I want to say a few things so here we go.. Sorry for not messaging you earlier I've been meaning to send you a text but ran out of credit also scared on what will happen but ya know what? I shouldn't be I wanted us to be friends. still wanting us to be but after I told you that... I thought it would be best for you to forget me though i realized It might be hard for you to forget since we were in love for quite awhile, Those times were like heaven to me and yes I do know its all reality okay? I known it from the start, I was that ready to fall but at the end when it all ended guess I didn't ready my self for that huh? I know i should of told you things earlier in the relationship instead of being scared but that's in the past and I know i can't change any of it, Also I know I shouldn't say this but I'm not over you yet lol I've been missing ya dearly. but I don't know if I can make you smile like back than. I hope you find that star, You're beautiful star that will protect you forever and ever ~ Like the way I should of... ANYWAYS Hope you been having a great time and if there is anything you need to get off your chest then tell me, You know all of this time you could of sent me a text and I would of rushed and found a way to text you back! Haha If you need a helping hand, or anything just ask Ok Ok Now How have ya been? Hope good ? Did you have a safe flight? like you didn't say anything so I was worried shitless x'D have you been eating right? Cause while we were dating it looked like you were taking dieting way to seriously but you wouldnt stop when I told you xI you looked way to skinny, also some of your bones were sticking out which kinda frighted me abit UHM and hows school?, met new people? there was something else i cant remember... what was it ahh whatever if you still wanna keep talking, we could always continue this conversation another time right? /with Lov... FROM jack min hara\"


I felt instantly depressed. I cried. For a long 10 minutes.

Memories flashed back. Yes I never forget why I left at the first place, but the feelings of why I'll fall for him is way more stronger than why I left him. 

Kira's out today. And she'll not be back until who knows what time. She told me not to wait up. 

With that message stuck in my head? What should I do about it?

I dont know. Im lost. Im confused.

I talked to Phyl and Wynd, they both said the same thing, do what's best for you and do what makes you happy. Phyl said take things slow with either Jack or Kira. If I move too fast it'll end up like him and Kelvin. 

What do I want at this very moment?

I want to throw away everything I have and be alone. Shut my mind, shut my soul, shut my feelings out. 

Am I sure?

No. That's my problem. I couldnt make up my mind, I couldnt decide what's best for me or what I want. 

Will I make another mistake again?

I dont know. I dont want to think about it. I dont dare to predict. 

Who does your heart tells you to go to?

I dont know. The feelings towards Jack is like, hatred but there's still a slight caring for him clinging on to me. Telling me it's worth a second try, he was the one that see through me completely afterall.

And Kira is the most precious thing that's ever happened to me, she's intelligent , understanding, funny , cute, she knows me, she knows what I want. She's good in analyzing complicated situations. I lose her once and it felt like I've fell into a pit. Now that we got back together its like Im going to lose her all over again..

***

Jack, 

I want to say:

Sorry I'm not sorry for the times
I don't reply
You know the reason why
Maybe you shouldn't come back
Maybe you shouldn't come back to me
Tired of being so sad
Tired of getting so mad, baby
Stop right now
You'll only let me down, oh oh
#demilovato #shouldntcomeback

and 

Why'd you call me today with nothing new to say?

You pretend it's just hello, but you know what it does to me to see your number on the phone.
Now tell me, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want from me?
Are you tryin' to bring back the tears or just the memories?
You keep takin' me back, takin' me back where I've already been.
When we hang up it's almost like I'm losing you again.
Can't you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?

#jerrodniemann #whatdoyouwant

****

Kira,

I want to say:

The day I first met you
You told me you'd never fall in love
But now that I get you
I know fear is what it really was
Now here we are, so close
Yet so far, how didn't I passed the test?
When will you realize
That baby, I'm not like the rest?
Don't wanna break your heart
Wanna give your heart a break
I know you're scared, it's wrong
Like you might make a mistake
There's just one life to live
And there's no time to wait To waste
So let me give your heart a break
Give your heart a break

***

Why do you have to come back when Im just about to get over you...?

Why is it so hard to get over you..

Why must there always be things that'll interrupt in between us?

Why cant they just let me love you peacefully and not reminding me how much scars I have in the pass?

... Why? ...

Missing him?

I had a dream about Jack last night. It was sweet. The feelings were still there in the dream, like it never left. But when I woke up, memories came back and reminded me why I left him on the first place.

Cant deny, that every now and then, I still think of him. He is, after all, my first ever , Love.

Skype ? Now ?

So now, I cant believe we're skyping , well, just voice call. But still, NERVOUS AS HELL.   Surprisingly, I love her voice ! OH gosh, just, love it.

Well, she said she's nervous, and yet she still wants to call. Eventually, both of us will get over it. Get over the nervousness . Its been like 2hours and 18 minutes and still going on, what did we talked about ? Nothing basically. Just letting it run, and listening to each other's giggles, and choose to type instead of talk <v< haha...

But yea, overall it was a really fun experience (?) First time to experience this feeling. Nervous, happy , surprised ? , unexpected. Yea.

Why Skype all of a sudden? Well she asked for it. Lol I dont mind, I dont have anything hiding from her anymore. So it's fine.

Reminds me back then when I first heard Jack's voice, he didnt talk much either, I think the first time we talked is by saying Good morning or Good night, dont quite remember. But yea. I still like his voice , its, really nice. I still remember how it sounds like.

ANYWAY, this is not about Jack, lol oh for god sake. Even she noticed I kept talking about Jack, I just so happen to have him cross over my mind, that's all.

人不在，可是memories还在啊。无可否认，这样就能把他忘掉吧？

Lets go step by step.

So, after things sorted out between us.
I've decided to call her by her real name instead.

I know things might be coming too soon, we've already added on facebook. Basically it's like being nude already. lol but yea, we'll both get over it.

I tell myself if I ever had the thought of leaving or give up, remind myself again with the reason why did I felt for her at the first place.

This might actually work out, just let us go step by step.

If in the end it didnt work out afterall, wouldnt break us right? Like I said, I cherish this friendship, I cherish you, you'll always be precious to me.

Your Musics II

I gotta admit, you do have a good taste in Music, lol And I dont know why, music seems to sound better when you're around :)

Eet - Regina Spektor
Fix you - Coldplay
Against the tide - Cellweller
The Suffering - Coheed & Cambria
America - Deuce
Scene Two Roger Rabbit - Sleeping with Sirens
Kill your heroes - Awolnation
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
Dollhouse - Melanie Martinez
Dead to me - District3
Feel it in my bones - Tiesto
M.I.A - Avenged Sevenfold
Ficton - Avenged Sevenfold
So far away- Avenged Sevenfold
Illusionist - Amanda Jenssen
Sing me to sleep - Amanda Jenssen
Landfill - Daughter
Rebirthing - Skillet
If you only knew- Shinedown

But I wonder, if you'll still like me as much as you like Zen in there, even though Im nothing like Zen at all in real. You are right, Zen is perfect, that's what I want him to be. I succeeded, but not to myself.

Now everyday when I go to Uni, I just listen to the songs, makes me think of you :')
Now that we've sorted out things. No more secrets. No more hiding.

Lets start over ?

Come Clean

"I will make you fall in love with me all over again"
he said. And it worked. Kinda.

And then our conversation starts:

What brings you into IMVU anyway?

 same shit as anyone else. i cant be what i want to be in real..

 I see.

Pretty much everyone join because of the same reason.

 Cant be what you want to be or who you want to be in real.

 It gets frustrating
 how is that frustrating?
 No I mean frustrating as in I cant be what I want to be in real lol
 can i.... ask you something..

:x

 Sure

one of these days ill get up the guts to tell you what my issue with rl is >.<

You know you can tell me anything . Like literally everything.

 yea but it's been a deal breaker for almost everyone..

and... i just.. idk..

it's big. and. i don't want to be recognized as that.

I believe there's much worst than whatever your case is

Take your time , Im not going anywhere. If you feel like telling me by then just buzz me.

 no i should tell you.

lol

 i just dont know how to say it. you. um. probably know. or have a feeling about it.

 everyone else did :x

 but im. transexual.

 That's it ?

 ...i havent had surgeries yet

 and i. was born female.

 That's not really a deal breaker you know =v=

 You know, Jack's transgender too.

 transgender and transexual. are two. very different things.

transgender has been turned into an umbrella term. or it wouldnt be.

 Oh :x

 Well Jack calls himself that, because he did his top surgery.

 transgender includes. everything out of the norm. such as. genderfluid. people who flow between genders. it used to be recognized as. people going from one sex to another. but then everything else got shoved underneath that word as its definition. so its hard to differentiate

 -throws my arms around you- youre so perfect... you really have no idea.

 i havent had top surgery yet.

Brian

 You have no idea what I am.

Im not perfect at all.

you are to me.

You should be proud of yourself for having the guts to tell me .

 i dont know if ill ever do... bottom surgery. v.v it's just not worth it now.. it would never be. like the real thing you know?

 technology isnt advanced enough

 Do you really need it ?

 i also feel. bleh. about saying it. because it seems to be the new"trend" nowadays. ive been like this since i was a kid. always wanting to look like a boy. dress like a boy. do things boys do. i've been through many therapists because my parents couldnt just accept it. they thought something was wrong with me. and. with further testing and bloodwork and scans. i have a fully male brain. i dont have a functioning reproductive system because my body produces too much testosterone to make it possible to function.

 and it'd be nice to. but. its not worth the money with how it is now.

 That's why you dont talk much about yourself.

Yea, it's really not worth to risk it.

 the last two.. "relationships" of mine. i always got this. sinking feeling. when i told them. like. i knew it wasnt okay like they said it was. i know its not right to not tell anyone right off. but. i am. a male. i dont want to be recognized as a girl.

 Dont say silly things.

Feeling better now ?

 can i ask your secret?

 and yes.. much better

 Hmm

 Im not perfect like you said I am, I might be perfect in here, but if you drag me out from here, Im a completely different person.

 i dont think thats true.

Im a girl , Im not a guy.

 Im a bisexual girl to be precise.

 like i said before. you take away. all the judgement. and. people are more real than ever.

you think that would bother me?

 ....I thought it's a HUGE matter....

 -raises eyebrow- it'd be... kind of hypocritical of me to flip on you for that -nuzzles-

just explains why you can understand me so well

 lol, maybe.

 im pansexual. i dont care what you got in your pants. especially on imvu. theres no way to KNOW people are really what they say. biologically anyway. so. i accepted that. for myself. and. personality. is all that matters

so i have my question to ask now. that i was gonna ask earlier

 Sure

 are you and Ven the same person?

 Aha..... that..... Yea......

 it kinda made me think when you told Jake that you'd send Ven to represent you..

 Like he said he's going to find me, that's just impossible

 But I really do know a friend name Sean, that's out of my prediction

So even he ask Sean about me Sean wouldnt even know who is he talking about.

it just didnt make sense to me because. why would you send someone he doesnt know to meet with him when hes your friend

 Sean is a very popular name xD

 =v= ha.....

 Yea, probably.

I created this account first, Ven's account comes afterwards. Because I thought Im getting sick with "Role playing a guy" .

Its pretty stupid.

 And to cover up my identity, I have to play 2 roles so that non will suspect.

 well your secret is safe with me. -rubs middle finger all over Jake's face-

 lol

 Meh, he's not a problem to me at all.

 "i have a better chance with him" my ass

 I can come clean to him anytime.

 x'D

 Im guessing he's bi too

 well considering he talks about his ex gf

 Arent you afriad if he knows the real me he'll come after me as well ? >v>

 honestly? yes. but. if i know you as well as i think i do..

 you won't let him

xD

Trust me, you know me damn well.

because. you have no trust for him. you wouldn't give away a secret you've kept for years just like that to someone you just met

Its just the matter of me opening up myself to you or not.

Anything more to ask? :)

no more questions though -wraps my arms around you- you're still Zen to me. that won't change

and thank you. for opening up to me. it really means a lot.

you don't have to hide from me..

 :)

Just so you know, everything I said yesterday , I meant it.

I was so afraid if I told you this secret I'll lost this friendship

and i meant everything i said.. and yes i did add the "i dont care if your male or female" on purpose. because. i had already suspected the Ven thing..

lol :x...

Oh and one more thing

you are. you. parts dont matter. irl it'd be different ofc. but not like. feelings wise. just. sexual wise? but as long as you wanna have a dick. thats what youll have.

lol Yea

one more thing?

The photo I showed you before isnt me

well i kinda guessed<w<

 xD

 same for me though..

=v= ~

Well you got me on that.

lol

 http://prntscr.com/4sa5ht <me

my eyes are blue btw :x

 i just knew. the eye color in what i showed you. was brown

 Aha

 https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/v/t1.0-9/1424353_10151969866219854_1158749626_n.jpg?oh=597e486da9e2924fd16c3204156f7f92&oe=54B9A1D5&__gda__=1421694113_808d63858bd30a8b1fa55aa658ac4a9d

 Thats me

 still have perfect hair -pouts-

you're. wow. amazingly pretty.

 lol

 Alright I gotta go to bed

 A few hours is still time

 -long sighs and pouts-

 looks like we'll be getting the same amount of sleep xD

 -giggles- thank you again. for everything.

im so hyped up right now

Dream of me, ask the nightmares to fuck off :P

-kicks em to the curb-

Night :')

good night

After everything, I finally come clean to him, finally confronted my worst fear to him.
It was out of my expectation, and I never see this coming. Guess Im going through another relationship like Jack's. Its a "date with Jack" all over again.

Why can I never stop knowing people besides LGBTQ?
Why on earth I can never find someone out of LGBTQ ?
Is it really my problem? Or Im just simply more attractive to them instead of straight guys?

Im happy that everything is sorted out. At the same time I'll have to prepare myself for the worst. But Brian, with him, we really do know each other well. Maybe I could give him a chance? and myself one.

Everything's gonna be alright.