From stranger, became lovers, back to friends, turned into strangers, friends all over again, back to lovers, then back to friends again, and now we are in a friendship just like strangers.

I wish we never take the second chance. I wish we never see things clear. I wish I didnt know about you and you didnt know about me. I wish I never loved you, and you never loved me. I wish we never fell in love.







I just wish I hadnt met you.

Friendships are weird.

Sometimes, I have this thought when I see different groups of friends hanging out with their own types of types. Like for example, the nerd group have their nerd friends, the girly-girls have their own girly friends, I mean , friends are people who share something similar with you that's why you are connected with them, sorta? I think.

Friendships are great. I love my 3 best friends, we are all with different backgrounds, and I have to admit they are all really awesome people. One of them is extremely good at writing, one of them is ridiculously incredible, one of them is a law student. I turn to them whenever I have something troubling me. They might not be the best helper but they definitely give the best advises. Sometimes they'll say something ugly but they are usually right about things. Best friends see better I guess.

I personally mix around with all kinds of people. Even with some people whom are known to be unlikable among some group of my friends. Surprisingly, I see they seem to have their own best friend, so I thought "hey they have their best friend, that proofs that they arent so bad of a person after all , it only takes the right type of people to mix around with."

Back then in primary school, I use to follow gangs of friends. Like , this gang of people likes to talk about this , so I will go home and actually read stuffs about what they usually talk about and the next day blend in with them. That's how I mix friends back then, I remember there's this girl in my class, who's like the whole class is boycotting her because she was nasty. I talked to her once or twice alone, I think she's kind of an okay girl. But the naive me back then doesnt want to be part of the boycotting-girl's friend, I choose to be mean to her for no reason.

Yeap, I was an asshole back then you can say.

After I started to draw, I normally just get drunk in my own passion and zone-out everything around me, including friends. Until I started secondary school, my whole life changed. I decided to make my own friends, play my own rules, instead of following others. I had my first crush when I was 13, I forgot how and when it actually started, but I know he's that one person that made my heart skips a beat. I made friends who love to draw like I do, we even came together and created a book of magazine selling it in school illegally . Ha, luckily we didnt get caught. Now that I wonder, where did the money we earned went? We were all young and innocent, the purpose of doing that is just because we love to draw.

Lots of things happened in secondary school, I start to become more daring and develop more courage in me towards the people and the situation around me. I began to have that bitchy side of me . Growing up makes me realize things , makes me think a lot, the more I thought the more mature my brain gets.

Friends.
Hi-Bye friends, Strange friends, Came-across friends, I-seen-him/her-before-but-dont-know-him/her friends, Familiar-face friends, Cute friends, Stupid friends, Clumsy friends, Awkward friends, Funny friends, Fake friends, Real friends.

I came across all kinds of friends. Some are still keeping in touch (Facebook), some are long gone. My dad said something very useful/meaning once : You only need one or two close friends in your entire life.

And Im glad, I found mine.

Thanks guys, you're the best :)

So, Brian and I stopped. Dating.
I would say we broke up but he said if I put it "breaking up" it sounded mean. lol So we just stopped.

Why?
Honestly, I knew this day would come. Just didnt expect to be that soon. Yes I do feel sad, it's a waste that we didnt work out. I loved him, but now that we know it wouldnt work for us if we go into a "romance" relationship, one thing I can feel is our friendship is strong. Well, not to say strong, its more like, secure. We talked about anything, and everything. More likely.

I appreciate him being honest with me all this while , that's probably one thing I love about him at the first place. Being persistent and honest.

As for Jack, he does what he like.

We talked yes, but less. Lesser and lesser each day goes by. He said he's going to US to study, something about creative literature writing and such. To improve his story writing. He said the course takes up to a couple of years but he wants to finish it in within a year. I thought if the course is that long then you'll have to study that long? So I dont quite get what he meant by that , its fine. He's information were never clear, he's still the same.

The same as in, never gave me any clear information when I asked about it.

I really dont know what he want this time. Just appear and say hi again? or he came back for something else? I dont know. Im tired of guessing. Im tired of asking. because I dont even know what or how to ask him in order to get the answer Im looking for.

He come as he likes and go as he wants.

As if he's putting me on a hook or something.

How can you be like that Jack?
Its almost 6 months since we broke up, nothing changed. Or is it because I cant see it? Or is it because Im the one who changed?

Brian told me, never go back to your ex, you'll end up realizing why you left him at the first place and get heart broken all over again. I trust his words, coz everything he said makes sense.

Part of me is chasing something back, part of me is pushing it away at the same time.

Love eh? I wish I never treat it serious.

So, I was told that calling by her given name wasnt a good idea afterall.

Well then, everything is back to how it was. (I decided)
I'll call him Brian. And I believe for some reason, he wants to treat me back as Zen instead of Ven.
I dont really mind which name Im being called.

If he calls me Zen, I'll be Zen. Completely Zen.
If he calls meVen/Hsin, I'll be myself. Let loose and be free.

If he calls me Hsin but see me as Zen. Honestly Im stuck. But I'll learn to get use to it if I have to.

*Lesson: Never. Again.

Should I feel be feeling lonely at this point?

I dont know anymore. We are a couple that doesnt seem to look like one. Or even feel like one?
I know we been through this, it didnt came out well because we got into a fight.

I feel like I cant be completely myself when Im with her. We dont really share the same interest, topics? I dont know. I love anime, I love manga, I love art. I like punk, I like rock, I like gothic, but not in a deep-into-it/obsessive way.

Is this really gonna work?
I miss the time where I can buzz Jack whenever I want knowing that he'll definitely reply, no matter how stupid or how idiotic the topic we were talking about xD

Im not comparing. I understand it's a whole new relationship to get in right now, so I'll have to re-"get used to it" all over again.

Cant really blame why I'll feel lonely. This only proofs that before this, Jack really did spoiled me well. I miss him.

I didnt talk to Kira for a whole day. I didnt leave any message, not a word to say why. We argued the next day. Because I finally got a message from her on Facebook. I dont want to be in there not talking and feeling the empty atmosphere. It makes me tense. Im sorry but I did that on purpose.  How much will she care? how much more can I expect for her attention? Well, the results shows, 3 chat invites and one sleepless night.

Cant deny, I miss him.