From stranger, became lovers, back to friends, turned into strangers, friends all over again, back to lovers, then back to friends again, and now we are in a friendship just like strangers.

I wish we never take the second chance. I wish we never see things clear. I wish I didnt know about you and you didnt know about me. I wish I never loved you, and you never loved me. I wish we never fell in love.







I just wish I hadnt met you.

Friendships are weird.

Sometimes, I have this thought when I see different groups of friends hanging out with their own types of types. Like for example, the nerd group have their nerd friends, the girly-girls have their own girly friends, I mean , friends are people who share something similar with you that's why you are connected with them, sorta? I think.

Friendships are great. I love my 3 best friends, we are all with different backgrounds, and I have to admit they are all really awesome people. One of them is extremely good at writing, one of them is ridiculously incredible, one of them is a law student. I turn to them whenever I have something troubling me. They might not be the best helper but they definitely give the best advises. Sometimes they'll say something ugly but they are usually right about things. Best friends see better I guess.

I personally mix around with all kinds of people. Even with some people whom are known to be unlikable among some group of my friends. Surprisingly, I see they seem to have their own best friend, so I thought "hey they have their best friend, that proofs that they arent so bad of a person after all , it only takes the right type of people to mix around with."

Back then in primary school, I use to follow gangs of friends. Like , this gang of people likes to talk about this , so I will go home and actually read stuffs about what they usually talk about and the next day blend in with them. That's how I mix friends back then, I remember there's this girl in my class, who's like the whole class is boycotting her because she was nasty. I talked to her once or twice alone, I think she's kind of an okay girl. But the naive me back then doesnt want to be part of the boycotting-girl's friend, I choose to be mean to her for no reason.

Yeap, I was an asshole back then you can say.

After I started to draw, I normally just get drunk in my own passion and zone-out everything around me, including friends. Until I started secondary school, my whole life changed. I decided to make my own friends, play my own rules, instead of following others. I had my first crush when I was 13, I forgot how and when it actually started, but I know he's that one person that made my heart skips a beat. I made friends who love to draw like I do, we even came together and created a book of magazine selling it in school illegally . Ha, luckily we didnt get caught. Now that I wonder, where did the money we earned went? We were all young and innocent, the purpose of doing that is just because we love to draw.

Lots of things happened in secondary school, I start to become more daring and develop more courage in me towards the people and the situation around me. I began to have that bitchy side of me . Growing up makes me realize things , makes me think a lot, the more I thought the more mature my brain gets.

Friends.
Hi-Bye friends, Strange friends, Came-across friends, I-seen-him/her-before-but-dont-know-him/her friends, Familiar-face friends, Cute friends, Stupid friends, Clumsy friends, Awkward friends, Funny friends, Fake friends, Real friends.

I came across all kinds of friends. Some are still keeping in touch (Facebook), some are long gone. My dad said something very useful/meaning once : You only need one or two close friends in your entire life.

And Im glad, I found mine.

Thanks guys, you're the best :)

So, Brian and I stopped. Dating.
I would say we broke up but he said if I put it "breaking up" it sounded mean. lol So we just stopped.

Why?
Honestly, I knew this day would come. Just didnt expect to be that soon. Yes I do feel sad, it's a waste that we didnt work out. I loved him, but now that we know it wouldnt work for us if we go into a "romance" relationship, one thing I can feel is our friendship is strong. Well, not to say strong, its more like, secure. We talked about anything, and everything. More likely.

I appreciate him being honest with me all this while , that's probably one thing I love about him at the first place. Being persistent and honest.

As for Jack, he does what he like.

We talked yes, but less. Lesser and lesser each day goes by. He said he's going to US to study, something about creative literature writing and such. To improve his story writing. He said the course takes up to a couple of years but he wants to finish it in within a year. I thought if the course is that long then you'll have to study that long? So I dont quite get what he meant by that , its fine. He's information were never clear, he's still the same.

The same as in, never gave me any clear information when I asked about it.

I really dont know what he want this time. Just appear and say hi again? or he came back for something else? I dont know. Im tired of guessing. Im tired of asking. because I dont even know what or how to ask him in order to get the answer Im looking for.

He come as he likes and go as he wants.

As if he's putting me on a hook or something.

How can you be like that Jack?
Its almost 6 months since we broke up, nothing changed. Or is it because I cant see it? Or is it because Im the one who changed?

Brian told me, never go back to your ex, you'll end up realizing why you left him at the first place and get heart broken all over again. I trust his words, coz everything he said makes sense.

Part of me is chasing something back, part of me is pushing it away at the same time.

Love eh? I wish I never treat it serious.

So, I was told that calling by her given name wasnt a good idea afterall.

Well then, everything is back to how it was. (I decided)
I'll call him Brian. And I believe for some reason, he wants to treat me back as Zen instead of Ven.
I dont really mind which name Im being called.

If he calls me Zen, I'll be Zen. Completely Zen.
If he calls meVen/Hsin, I'll be myself. Let loose and be free.

If he calls me Hsin but see me as Zen. Honestly Im stuck. But I'll learn to get use to it if I have to.

*Lesson: Never. Again.

Should I feel be feeling lonely at this point?

I dont know anymore. We are a couple that doesnt seem to look like one. Or even feel like one?
I know we been through this, it didnt came out well because we got into a fight.

I feel like I cant be completely myself when Im with her. We dont really share the same interest, topics? I dont know. I love anime, I love manga, I love art. I like punk, I like rock, I like gothic, but not in a deep-into-it/obsessive way.

Is this really gonna work?
I miss the time where I can buzz Jack whenever I want knowing that he'll definitely reply, no matter how stupid or how idiotic the topic we were talking about xD

Im not comparing. I understand it's a whole new relationship to get in right now, so I'll have to re-"get used to it" all over again.

Cant really blame why I'll feel lonely. This only proofs that before this, Jack really did spoiled me well. I miss him.

I didnt talk to Kira for a whole day. I didnt leave any message, not a word to say why. We argued the next day. Because I finally got a message from her on Facebook. I dont want to be in there not talking and feeling the empty atmosphere. It makes me tense. Im sorry but I did that on purpose.  How much will she care? how much more can I expect for her attention? Well, the results shows, 3 chat invites and one sleepless night.

Cant deny, I miss him.

After a silent Autumn.

So, Jack sent me a message today.

"Hello Hsin Yang. It's been a long time hasn't it? I want to say a few things so here we go.. Sorry for not messaging you earlier I've been meaning to send you a text but ran out of credit also scared on what will happen but ya know what? I shouldn't be I wanted us to be friends. still wanting us to be but after I told you that... I thought it would be best for you to forget me though i realized It might be hard for you to forget since we were in love for quite awhile, Those times were like heaven to me and yes I do know its all reality okay? I known it from the start, I was that ready to fall but at the end when it all ended guess I didn't ready my self for that huh? I know i should of told you things earlier in the relationship instead of being scared but that's in the past and I know i can't change any of it, Also I know I shouldn't say this but I'm not over you yet lol I've been missing ya dearly. but I don't know if I can make you smile like back than. I hope you find that star, You're beautiful star that will protect you forever and ever ~ Like the way I should of... ANYWAYS Hope you been having a great time and if there is anything you need to get off your chest then tell me, You know all of this time you could of sent me a text and I would of rushed and found a way to text you back! Haha If you need a helping hand, or anything just ask Ok Ok Now How have ya been? Hope good ? Did you have a safe flight? like you didn't say anything so I was worried shitless x'D have you been eating right? Cause while we were dating it looked like you were taking dieting way to seriously but you wouldnt stop when I told you xI you looked way to skinny, also some of your bones were sticking out which kinda frighted me abit UHM and hows school?, met new people? there was something else i cant remember... what was it ahh whatever if you still wanna keep talking, we could always continue this conversation another time right? /with Lov... FROM jack min hara\"


I felt instantly depressed. I cried. For a long 10 minutes.

Memories flashed back. Yes I never forget why I left at the first place, but the feelings of why I'll fall for him is way more stronger than why I left him. 

Kira's out today. And she'll not be back until who knows what time. She told me not to wait up. 

With that message stuck in my head? What should I do about it?

I dont know. Im lost. Im confused.

I talked to Phyl and Wynd, they both said the same thing, do what's best for you and do what makes you happy. Phyl said take things slow with either Jack or Kira. If I move too fast it'll end up like him and Kelvin. 

What do I want at this very moment?

I want to throw away everything I have and be alone. Shut my mind, shut my soul, shut my feelings out. 

Am I sure?

No. That's my problem. I couldnt make up my mind, I couldnt decide what's best for me or what I want. 

Will I make another mistake again?

I dont know. I dont want to think about it. I dont dare to predict. 

Who does your heart tells you to go to?

I dont know. The feelings towards Jack is like, hatred but there's still a slight caring for him clinging on to me. Telling me it's worth a second try, he was the one that see through me completely afterall.

And Kira is the most precious thing that's ever happened to me, she's intelligent , understanding, funny , cute, she knows me, she knows what I want. She's good in analyzing complicated situations. I lose her once and it felt like I've fell into a pit. Now that we got back together its like Im going to lose her all over again..

***

Jack, 

I want to say:

Sorry I'm not sorry for the times
I don't reply
You know the reason why
Maybe you shouldn't come back
Maybe you shouldn't come back to me
Tired of being so sad
Tired of getting so mad, baby
Stop right now
You'll only let me down, oh oh
#demilovato #shouldntcomeback

and 

Why'd you call me today with nothing new to say?

You pretend it's just hello, but you know what it does to me to see your number on the phone.
Now tell me, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want from me?
Are you tryin' to bring back the tears or just the memories?
You keep takin' me back, takin' me back where I've already been.
When we hang up it's almost like I'm losing you again.
Can't you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?

#jerrodniemann #whatdoyouwant

****

Kira,

I want to say:

The day I first met you
You told me you'd never fall in love
But now that I get you
I know fear is what it really was
Now here we are, so close
Yet so far, how didn't I passed the test?
When will you realize
That baby, I'm not like the rest?
Don't wanna break your heart
Wanna give your heart a break
I know you're scared, it's wrong
Like you might make a mistake
There's just one life to live
And there's no time to wait To waste
So let me give your heart a break
Give your heart a break

***

Why do you have to come back when Im just about to get over you...?

Why is it so hard to get over you..

Why must there always be things that'll interrupt in between us?

Why cant they just let me love you peacefully and not reminding me how much scars I have in the pass?

... Why? ...

Missing him?

I had a dream about Jack last night. It was sweet. The feelings were still there in the dream, like it never left. But when I woke up, memories came back and reminded me why I left him on the first place.

Cant deny, that every now and then, I still think of him. He is, after all, my first ever , Love.

Skype ? Now ?

So now, I cant believe we're skyping , well, just voice call. But still, NERVOUS AS HELL.   Surprisingly, I love her voice ! OH gosh, just, love it.

Well, she said she's nervous, and yet she still wants to call. Eventually, both of us will get over it. Get over the nervousness . Its been like 2hours and 18 minutes and still going on, what did we talked about ? Nothing basically. Just letting it run, and listening to each other's giggles, and choose to type instead of talk <v< haha...

But yea, overall it was a really fun experience (?) First time to experience this feeling. Nervous, happy , surprised ? , unexpected. Yea.

Why Skype all of a sudden? Well she asked for it. Lol I dont mind, I dont have anything hiding from her anymore. So it's fine.

Reminds me back then when I first heard Jack's voice, he didnt talk much either, I think the first time we talked is by saying Good morning or Good night, dont quite remember. But yea. I still like his voice , its, really nice. I still remember how it sounds like.

ANYWAY, this is not about Jack, lol oh for god sake. Even she noticed I kept talking about Jack, I just so happen to have him cross over my mind, that's all.

人不在，可是memories还在啊。无可否认，这样就能把他忘掉吧？

Lets go step by step.

So, after things sorted out between us.
I've decided to call her by her real name instead.

I know things might be coming too soon, we've already added on facebook. Basically it's like being nude already. lol but yea, we'll both get over it.

I tell myself if I ever had the thought of leaving or give up, remind myself again with the reason why did I felt for her at the first place.

This might actually work out, just let us go step by step.

If in the end it didnt work out afterall, wouldnt break us right? Like I said, I cherish this friendship, I cherish you, you'll always be precious to me.

Your Musics II

I gotta admit, you do have a good taste in Music, lol And I dont know why, music seems to sound better when you're around :)

Eet - Regina Spektor
Fix you - Coldplay
Against the tide - Cellweller
The Suffering - Coheed & Cambria
America - Deuce
Scene Two Roger Rabbit - Sleeping with Sirens
Kill your heroes - Awolnation
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
Dollhouse - Melanie Martinez
Dead to me - District3
Feel it in my bones - Tiesto
M.I.A - Avenged Sevenfold
Ficton - Avenged Sevenfold
So far away- Avenged Sevenfold
Illusionist - Amanda Jenssen
Sing me to sleep - Amanda Jenssen
Landfill - Daughter
Rebirthing - Skillet
If you only knew- Shinedown

But I wonder, if you'll still like me as much as you like Zen in there, even though Im nothing like Zen at all in real. You are right, Zen is perfect, that's what I want him to be. I succeeded, but not to myself.

Now everyday when I go to Uni, I just listen to the songs, makes me think of you :')
Now that we've sorted out things. No more secrets. No more hiding.

Lets start over ?

Come Clean

"I will make you fall in love with me all over again"
he said. And it worked. Kinda.

And then our conversation starts:

What brings you into IMVU anyway?

 same shit as anyone else. i cant be what i want to be in real..

 I see.

Pretty much everyone join because of the same reason.

 Cant be what you want to be or who you want to be in real.

 It gets frustrating
 how is that frustrating?
 No I mean frustrating as in I cant be what I want to be in real lol
 can i.... ask you something..

:x

 Sure

one of these days ill get up the guts to tell you what my issue with rl is >.<

You know you can tell me anything . Like literally everything.

 yea but it's been a deal breaker for almost everyone..

and... i just.. idk..

it's big. and. i don't want to be recognized as that.

I believe there's much worst than whatever your case is

Take your time , Im not going anywhere. If you feel like telling me by then just buzz me.

 no i should tell you.

lol

 i just dont know how to say it. you. um. probably know. or have a feeling about it.

 everyone else did :x

 but im. transexual.

 That's it ?

 ...i havent had surgeries yet

 and i. was born female.

 That's not really a deal breaker you know =v=

 You know, Jack's transgender too.

 transgender and transexual. are two. very different things.

transgender has been turned into an umbrella term. or it wouldnt be.

 Oh :x

 Well Jack calls himself that, because he did his top surgery.

 transgender includes. everything out of the norm. such as. genderfluid. people who flow between genders. it used to be recognized as. people going from one sex to another. but then everything else got shoved underneath that word as its definition. so its hard to differentiate

 -throws my arms around you- youre so perfect... you really have no idea.

 i havent had top surgery yet.

Brian

 You have no idea what I am.

Im not perfect at all.

you are to me.

You should be proud of yourself for having the guts to tell me .

 i dont know if ill ever do... bottom surgery. v.v it's just not worth it now.. it would never be. like the real thing you know?

 technology isnt advanced enough

 Do you really need it ?

 i also feel. bleh. about saying it. because it seems to be the new"trend" nowadays. ive been like this since i was a kid. always wanting to look like a boy. dress like a boy. do things boys do. i've been through many therapists because my parents couldnt just accept it. they thought something was wrong with me. and. with further testing and bloodwork and scans. i have a fully male brain. i dont have a functioning reproductive system because my body produces too much testosterone to make it possible to function.

 and it'd be nice to. but. its not worth the money with how it is now.

 That's why you dont talk much about yourself.

Yea, it's really not worth to risk it.

 the last two.. "relationships" of mine. i always got this. sinking feeling. when i told them. like. i knew it wasnt okay like they said it was. i know its not right to not tell anyone right off. but. i am. a male. i dont want to be recognized as a girl.

 Dont say silly things.

Feeling better now ?

 can i ask your secret?

 and yes.. much better

 Hmm

 Im not perfect like you said I am, I might be perfect in here, but if you drag me out from here, Im a completely different person.

 i dont think thats true.

Im a girl , Im not a guy.

 Im a bisexual girl to be precise.

 like i said before. you take away. all the judgement. and. people are more real than ever.

you think that would bother me?

 ....I thought it's a HUGE matter....

 -raises eyebrow- it'd be... kind of hypocritical of me to flip on you for that -nuzzles-

just explains why you can understand me so well

 lol, maybe.

 im pansexual. i dont care what you got in your pants. especially on imvu. theres no way to KNOW people are really what they say. biologically anyway. so. i accepted that. for myself. and. personality. is all that matters

so i have my question to ask now. that i was gonna ask earlier

 Sure

 are you and Ven the same person?

 Aha..... that..... Yea......

 it kinda made me think when you told Jake that you'd send Ven to represent you..

 Like he said he's going to find me, that's just impossible

 But I really do know a friend name Sean, that's out of my prediction

So even he ask Sean about me Sean wouldnt even know who is he talking about.

it just didnt make sense to me because. why would you send someone he doesnt know to meet with him when hes your friend

 Sean is a very popular name xD

 =v= ha.....

 Yea, probably.

I created this account first, Ven's account comes afterwards. Because I thought Im getting sick with "Role playing a guy" .

Its pretty stupid.

 And to cover up my identity, I have to play 2 roles so that non will suspect.

 well your secret is safe with me. -rubs middle finger all over Jake's face-

 lol

 Meh, he's not a problem to me at all.

 "i have a better chance with him" my ass

 I can come clean to him anytime.

 x'D

 Im guessing he's bi too

 well considering he talks about his ex gf

 Arent you afriad if he knows the real me he'll come after me as well ? >v>

 honestly? yes. but. if i know you as well as i think i do..

 you won't let him

xD

Trust me, you know me damn well.

because. you have no trust for him. you wouldn't give away a secret you've kept for years just like that to someone you just met

Its just the matter of me opening up myself to you or not.

Anything more to ask? :)

no more questions though -wraps my arms around you- you're still Zen to me. that won't change

and thank you. for opening up to me. it really means a lot.

you don't have to hide from me..

 :)

Just so you know, everything I said yesterday , I meant it.

I was so afraid if I told you this secret I'll lost this friendship

and i meant everything i said.. and yes i did add the "i dont care if your male or female" on purpose. because. i had already suspected the Ven thing..

lol :x...

Oh and one more thing

you are. you. parts dont matter. irl it'd be different ofc. but not like. feelings wise. just. sexual wise? but as long as you wanna have a dick. thats what youll have.

lol Yea

one more thing?

The photo I showed you before isnt me

well i kinda guessed<w<

 xD

 same for me though..

=v= ~

Well you got me on that.

lol

 http://prntscr.com/4sa5ht <me

my eyes are blue btw :x

 i just knew. the eye color in what i showed you. was brown

 Aha

 https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/v/t1.0-9/1424353_10151969866219854_1158749626_n.jpg?oh=597e486da9e2924fd16c3204156f7f92&oe=54B9A1D5&__gda__=1421694113_808d63858bd30a8b1fa55aa658ac4a9d

 Thats me

 still have perfect hair -pouts-

you're. wow. amazingly pretty.

 lol

 Alright I gotta go to bed

 A few hours is still time

 -long sighs and pouts-

 looks like we'll be getting the same amount of sleep xD

 -giggles- thank you again. for everything.

im so hyped up right now

Dream of me, ask the nightmares to fuck off :P

-kicks em to the curb-

Night :')

good night

After everything, I finally come clean to him, finally confronted my worst fear to him.
It was out of my expectation, and I never see this coming. Guess Im going through another relationship like Jack's. Its a "date with Jack" all over again.

Why can I never stop knowing people besides LGBTQ?
Why on earth I can never find someone out of LGBTQ ?
Is it really my problem? Or Im just simply more attractive to them instead of straight guys?

Im happy that everything is sorted out. At the same time I'll have to prepare myself for the worst. But Brian, with him, we really do know each other well. Maybe I could give him a chance? and myself one.

Everything's gonna be alright.

How can I not love you , Brian

Me = Zen
Brian

Sometimes I hate IMVU because I know one day for sure something like this will happen.

People say IMVU is just a game, dont be serious.

It's not a game. I'm not a playing piece.

But how can you not be serious, when you know the person you are talking to is actually a real person with emotions

I never agree the fact that they say this is a game. This is not a game to me, not the way I see. IMVU is more like a lesson.

i've learned more from people on here than i ever have irl

That's my point.

some of my closest friends are from here. and i'll do everything in my power to keep them as friends even if they leave imvu. or i do.

Shit happens here, all kinds of shit. Just because everyone thinks its okay to 'play' , it'll turn out to be a big tragic.

because im not just friuends with an avatar. im friends with the person sitting at the computer. their personality.

when you take away. everything you know. being judged for how you look. how you act. how you talk. how you laugh. people are more real than ever. because they're not afraid to just be themselves.

Mhm

everyone's here for one reason. even if they deny it. they have to be someone theyre not in real life.

That's why I know I will never ever, EVER , find a second person to love as much as I love you

-wraps my arms around you and pulls you close- I love you too..

I kept asking myself "why you? why does it have to be you? someone from the other side of the world. Just why? " ... There wont be a future for us together , never. I know this very very clear.

We dated. But Im thankful that you stop it.

Coz I know it'll hurt even more if you didnt stop it.

I'd be willing to go to the ends of the earth to be with you. why cant there be a future for us? sure. money. could be a problem. but if you want something enough you'll fight for it.

No Brian. There's no future for us.

Im not afriad if I have to travel half way across the world to find you, Im not afriad to work day and night to earn the money, Im not afriad if you get sick and you cant live long, non of that even matters to me.

So why not just stop here, before we walked too far away ?

That's why I told myself before when I started IMVU, what happens here, stays in here. Im never ever going to take out anything that's happen in here. Coz I know its impossible.

Jack was a very good lesson for me , I tried . But it ends up this way, Im just enough of all that .

so i guess thats it.

I told you before , I dont want to start anything more than friends with you, because anything more than friends will end, but friendship wont. That's the only thing Im confident in holding on to.

sorry i need a few minutes

I love you for everything you are. I only heard about your stories from what you've told me , I might not be the one who witnessed you going through all your hard times/good times during this whole time , but Im definitely the one who's never stop watching you from far away. I said you're the best thing that's ever happened to me wasnt a lie. It's not just something that came up to my mind, because I know I really did fall for the real you.

And it's really a selfish thing to do if I know there wont be a future for us and yet I still drag you into this.

Hurting you is the only thing I dont ever want to do, but this is not under my control. Im so...so sorry.

I'm not hurt. just more of a reality check i wasnt ready for.

Every song just makes me think of you.

in a way. im proud that i taught you it's more than. just imvu. but it hurts that you wont fight for it. It won't kill me though. if im not the person you'll fight for than you will find someone else you'll find and you'll know why this had to happen.

lol

Trust me, if I could fight for you, I will do it even if it kills me.

you could. but you

you're afraid to

You're right. I am afraid.

Of losing you. Losing this friendship. Even if you said it'll never happen.

You're still precious to me. There's not only memories between us.

I cherish it.

I'm not a liar Zen. I wouldn't give up unless i've been given up on. You would never lose me as a friend unless you told me it just couldnt be anymore. a relationship is nothing more than friends. a label that says its okay to be more intimate with them. that's all it is. and when you love someone. there is no way for it to just be friendship. because you know you share on a more deeper level than you do with anyone else. no matter how hard you fight that. you can never stop it. never.

i. dont care what you look like. i dont care what language you speak natively. i dont care where youre from. where you live. i dont care if youre male or female. i dont care. i understand you. you understand me more than anyone i've ever met. im in love with who you are. not what you are. i know. even if you would show up on my doorstep. totally different than what you said. i would know you never lied. because a lie is something we all wish could be true. and here. you can be. you. its a new start. it's just secrets. and im not even sure if this is making sense. but im trying to say. the person here. is who i am. and who you are.

Why do you have to do that....O_Q...

Why do you have to say something like that

because thats what youre afraid of. not of losing me. im fighting for you. if you fought for me too. you would never, ever lose me. you're afraid of lies. what you percieve as lies anyway.

This is so unfair

How can you be so perfect

I'm not perfect. nowhere near.

x'D

i just. know you.

Better than I know myself

-runs my thumb across your cheek- I hope you choose to be happy.. I really do.

I used to think Im the one who's giving you empty hopes, all of my fears just cover up the fact that you're actually the one who's fighting for hope

Im just blinded by the fears I have in me. Im such an idiot.

you're not an idiot either :I

none of us are perfect. but two broken halves do make a whole.

But that sure as hell doesn't make us idiots.

lol

This comversation just took place for the whole night. It hurts me to know the ugly truth about him being gay and Im a girl. Even if I come clean to him , Im afraid I'll destroy this friendship. 

But,

He guaranteed. If I dont fight for him, and just give up like that, I will be destroying this friendship for sure. Nothing matters to me, money isnt a problem, distance isnt a problem. But gender is a huge problem for me. 

I thought Im giving you hope, I thought I'll be able to protect you to stay as a guy image infront of you, I thought the level of my love for you is more than enough to be the reason to stop things in between us. Because you're too precious, I couldnt afford to lose you. 

Im blinded by my fears, and the main problem is : I underestimated you Brian. 

I only thought of how much I care for you, how much I cherish our present relationship, I never thought of how the way you felt for me. I know you like me alot, I know you will do anything to make us happen. You're willing to fight for me. You're willing to bet everything you have to make us happen. 

But at the same time, I know you're not prepared to handle the whole truth.

I know you still cant handle everything. Until then my image will be totally destroy and your ideal-Zen will be gone forever. 

Zen never existed . He is just a reflection of my inner self. The other me conducting my inner ego to make things work and giving hope to despair in the virtual world. I did helped alot of people, at the same time I gave too much empty hope to people as well. Im sorry if the inner me have these loads of attraction to the virtual world. 

Im not proud of what I've done, but I felt comforted knowing that there's still someone who knows the real me and is willing to love me for who I am.

I would say, give me some time to think it through. Most importantly, give yourself some time to prepare for the worst truth of all times.

Be prepared for yourself, to handle the Real Me.

I didn't run away.

I didnt run away. Im always here. I have already reached a certain point where I could not go anymore further with you. Please forgive me.

If I go on further I'll break you and break myself.
Unless miracles happen, for example, you're not gay and you accept me.

No, that's not a miracle. A miracle is the next day when I woke up I became a guy. So that I could go to you.

Like HELL such non-sense will happen, not even in your dreams.

Its hard not to let you know about the truth. I know the ending already, it wouldn't be pleasant, and I might end up losing you. You might hate me too. After all this time it was a lie.

You're right, it WAS a lie, A lie about not telling you that Im actually a girl.

You are so broken, and yet you still remind so perfect to me. You know me too well, you even knew something about me that I wouldnt even know myself.

You'll always be my precious little Brian. Doesnt matter if Im a girl or a guy, you are still precious to me, and only me.

Your Musics

Your musics will be the best companion I'll ever have to pass my everyday.

Im sorry I cannot answer to your confession. No more second Phill. Especially not to you. I'll be the bad-guy side .

You have no idea how much I wanted to own you. I just cant.

Love you to Death - Kamelot
Moonlight - Kamelot
Skinny Love - Birdy
Word as Weapons- Birdy
Crazy (Rock Mix) - Royal Bliss
I See Fire - Ed Sheeran
Secret - The Pierces
Bleed Out - Blue October
Calling You - Blue October
The Suffering - Coheed and Cambria
Angels On The Moon - Thriving Ivory

etc.

You'll always be precious to me.

BRIAN.

#IMVUStories

I remember how we met, I remember how we went.

I remember all your goods', I remember all your bads'.

I remember you left me for some ass hole, and get yourself hurt all over again.

I remember the times I stayed with you, listened to you, talked to you, making you feel better, making you feel protected, making you feel precious.

You were once being so precious to me, the scars you gave me is gone, but I can still remember the feelings and the pain I had on me once.

Why do I have to know you through social media ?
Why do I have to met you through this way ?
Why do I have to meet you in this form of lies ?

Why can't you just be mine?

These feelings were there for a long time, it never left, never gone.
Hurting you is the last thing I would ever want to do to you.
You are still precious to me.

But unfortunately we can't be together. Not like this. Not in this life. Not in this form.

Next life, I want to be a guy.

Friendzone, OFF

You're the one who doesn't want to continue this friendship, you unfriend me in IMVU and change your names doesn't mean that I dont know it's you. I dont care what kind of excuse you are going to give me next time.

I gave you enough chances, not once, not twice, but continuously I'm lying to myself by giving stupid reasons saying that there's still a chance if you'd do something or make some changes. Foolishly Im still waiting for some sort of miracles to happen in between us.

You chose to draw off the friendzone line, Dont say I did it without letting you know, because you started it.

I really did love you, its like insanely crazy in love with you, but this love is making me feel insecure , your memories will never fade, ever.

Take care, Bye Jack.

16th July

Its 16th today, but unfortunately I couldnt wish you.
I ate brownies today, suddenly I missed the awful brownies I baked before... haha

Well,

Happy Birthday Dan :)

Throwing this friendship away

When people make you feel unwanted, dont leave to make them feel sad or guilty, they wont. Leave because you no longer have a reason to stay. Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. What's meant to be will end up good and what's not wont. Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you cant be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they dont, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you.

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As said, I was still mad after what happened with Dan and I. I was the blame for everything that happened in between us, he said.

Well, I made my choices, since he longer cherish this relationship, nor even our friendship, this time I'll be the one throwing him away.

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Hey Dan,

If you ever have the chance to see this, I just wanted to let you know,

You wont be the one throwing me away, cause I'll be the one throwing you away this time.
I hesitated for a while whether to give us a chance or to give myself some more time to think about it.
Call me stubborn , foolish, naive, just call me whatever you want, probably that's just me.

Although Jack and I met online, and went into "dating". Online dating then into a relationship I thought we were to be -- "Long-distance relationship". I wouldnt have noticed it doesnt count as a "long distance relationship" if both side hasnt "met" in real/in person yet. Just like Jack and I. But one thing I know is, the time I spend talking to him, online, on Facebook, on Whatsapp, on whatever social media we could think of, those stories and topics we shared werent false. Those emotional times, arent made-up, it's not an illusion , its not a "brain-wash" type of feeling, nor "hypnotized/mixed/confused/unclear" feeling, which YOU, define it as "fake-relationship". I do love him, I did thought of a future with him, no matter how impossible it would look / sound like. Non of my friends and family , including you, ever encourages my relationship with Jack, because they knew it wouldnt work. I hold on to him for so long, its not because "its too late to say no" , its because I can tell how much I meant to him. I know he loves me a lot, even though now we broke up, yes we BROKE UP. I DID had a relationship with him for a year, so there IS something call "break up" in between us.

After the break up, I still believe he did loved me for real, coz the patience he has for me, the care he gave to me, the love he shared with me, those werent fake, no matter how clever his disguise ( if he is hiding) is, there's no way he would share this much secret and emotions with me throughout this whole year of relationship. 

I really dont like the way you see Jack, your disrespectful attitude towards him. You have no right to judge him that way and he doesnt deserve to be said this way. I hate it when you always bring up something about him and put the blame on me for being stupid for believing him.

What do you know about him? You dont. So dont judge.

You said I always hold on to my phone when we hangout, of course I have to, he is still a person and by that time Jack and I were still together. You took my phone away when his message came up, you tried stopping me from checking, why? Is it because it's unfair to you because we were "hanging out" and Im focusing on ?MY ONLINE BOYFRIEND? If you're jealous just say so, dont act like a kid trying to "make things clear" to me on whats going on with Jack and I.

You said you like me and I was happy to know that. I never ever see you as a second choice, I did thought of starting a relationship with you but you were too impatient to go along with me even our friendship. You are smart, funny, strong, caring, and so much more Im still looking forward to see. Just because I had an "online relationship" during the time we met, you put two things together and mixed my online relationship with our friendship together and make things look ugly in between us. By calling me naive and ignorant towards MY online relationship situation.

Seriously its my business , why do you want to care so much about it? Does it bother you because you like me? or does it bother you because someone else from the other side of the world has my heart and not yours? If so what on earth are you jealous about ?  You had the chance to hangout with me but my so-called boyfriend from across the world wouldnt even Skype me on webcam. Itsnt it clear enough for you? Its obvious you stand a larger chance to be with me , IF YOU FUCKING TRY HARDER.

You fool. You idiotic, impatient, your intolerance attitude, blew this chance. 

I tried to save this friendship. I made a move. Did you do anything ? besides blaming me and pointing out all the problems instead of making a solution. Doing something , fight for something you want, have you ?

No. All you do is get interested in people whenever you're bored and throw them away when you're done with them.

Dont wait for something to happen, fight for something if you really want it. You'll lose your chances and regret the rest of your life one day.

Im not anybody to you, Im just a passer by at this point to you. But you'll forever be a "somebody" to me even if our friendship only existed in our memories. You showed me maturity, you showed me security, you showed me intimacy, I can never forget that even if its just a short period of time.  Dont be scared to fight for something you love, dont see everything in a logical way, life would be much more hopeful if you dare to step forward first instead of waiting for them to respond.

Things does change if you stay positive.Good luck with finding another person in your life.

Loved,
Lucky Star :')

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So... the Horoscope said :

Well, I saw this horoscope web thingy on facebook, and I read through it, what amazed me was the truth and fact about what was in that specific horoscope o.o''

So I copied paste into my blog , if one day one of them ever came by , hopefully they'll take a look.

And I translated them, with my own language, probably it doesnt make any sense but close enough :P

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【天秤】(Myself)
選擇困難症，外貌協會鑽石級會員
出廠壓根兒忘記設置「拒絕」選項了吧！
平時看著溫順脾氣好，一旦觸及底線脾氣大的一發不可收拾，控制都控制不了！但睡一覺什麼壞脾氣都沒有了。
如果天秤錯了，那麼死不認錯翻舊賬，反正天秤永遠都是對的！

Libras
Difficulties of making choices, standardize in society's upper-class member
Always forget there's a chance to "reject" something
Usually they have very high tolerance and patience, but once they gone mad, nothing can stop or control them, not even themselves. The good thing is, everything will go back to normal after a good night sleep in the next day, as if nothing ever happened.
If Libras' were wrong, they will not admit it, they'll try no matter what to make sense out of everything to make justice stand on their side, Libras' are always right after all :P
(well another words to me it meant stubborn =v='')

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【雙子】(Jack)
24小時360度無原因的隨時轉變心情狀態！
活在自己的世界裡，自己一個人也可以嗨起來！
前一晚愛你愛到非君不嫁，第二天想通以後去尼瑪你哪位啊？
看上去熱情洋溢，其實簡單的不能更冷淡。
對自己認識的熟人十分天真，對於外人簡直都是連吵架都懶總是一副“我不想知道你想什麼也不需要理解你的想法，你也別妄想改變我！”
糾結！太糾結！
要嘛沉悶著一張臉要嘛笑的跟瘋子一樣轉變情緒快。
精神分裂症早期患者，強迫症晚期。
做事三分鐘熱度，愛幻想無行動，情緒都寫在臉上沒心機。
喜歡鑽牛角尖，不能堅持容易放棄，常想一些有的沒的順帶慮著別人

Geminis
24 hours non-stop 360 change in moods for no reason
Living in their own world, they can even get themselves "high" when they're on their own
They can love you endlessly today, and just easily forget about you the second day
They seem to look like a romantic person, but deep down they are just bored and simplistic
They treat close friends/family very innocently , and totally doesn't care a damn thing about the things that outsiders/ strangers said to them
they are very clingy
Sometimes they stay very silent, sometimes they laugh like a psychopath
Early Schizophrenia patient, possibly of late obsessive-compulsive disorder
Never concentrate on something at once, easily get interested in almost everything, and easily reveal their lazy moods
Dont like to be straight forward, give up easily, thinking and concerning about useless stuffs and something that's not even under their own concern .

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【巨蟹】(Dan)
絕情，感情來的快去的也快！很容易喜歡一個人，但是很快就不感興趣了。
拿不起！放不下！忘不掉！沒安全感，喜歡試探別人對自己的心意。
情緒化，愛裝八卦，愛誰就虐誰，仗義超級表裡不一。
超級敏感，對不在意的人冷的要命，而在意的人不經意一句話就有可能傷到，然後自己腦補出很多情節越想越生氣傷心。
極其喜歡探知真相，即使結果無法接受。
眼裡容不得沙子，傲嬌有時候很做作，往往是最沒安全感的時候容易哄。
對東西有控制欲，得到之後沒新鮮感就棄之，很懶超級沒安全感。
喜歡的東西從不喜歡去爭取，總希望能順其自然的得到，然而總是錯過。
在人群中總是最傻最呆最天真的那個，可是最腹黑最機智的想法往往是巨蟹說出來的！

Scorpios
Unsympathetic to everyone. Easily falling for someone and get bored very quickly
Cant let go, cant forget, insecure, likes to probe people's feelings towards their selves
Emotional, likes to be busy-body, likes to bully someone they like/love, totally doesn't make sense
Very sensitive, doesn't give a fuck to strangers, but sometimes they tempt to speak something hurtful to the person they cared for, and then later on thinking too much making themselves mad and sad
Always like to fine out the truth about something, even if the truth is unacceptable .
When they try to be playful it usually turns out wrong and turn into affectation
Likes to take control of something new , and throw it away without hesitation once they get bored of it.
They never try to fight for something they love/like, always let things come and go just the way they are, that's why they missed out a lot of opportunities in the pass, even they right person.
They look really dumb and stupid among a big crowd, but usually the smartest words always came out from a Scorpio's mouth



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My translations are shit, but as long as they can understand, who cares xD

The above horoscope were so damn true.
Its just what and how they are and how I am.


Original source: http://tw.gigacircle.com/316844-1

Madness Bullshitss

Guess what ?
After the 3rd day Jack and I broke up he didnt talk to me ever since.

And last night I went on to his IMVU account , his profile changed, his status changed, as if he finally got over the break up thing , the last date online was the date a day ago, that means he's been going online for quite sometime and I didnt even know.

After that I logged on to my IMVU account and changed everything on my profile and status, I was so pissed off for what I saw. All that ever comes to my mind was " so that's how it ends huh? 1 year and you could just throw away things like that "
I left my IMVU account online overnight, the next morning I woke up I saw his name came online. I bet he must have saw mind too, but I logged off right after he came online 5 minutes later.
A while later the whatsapp beep on my phone triggered.
It was him, saying " Hey Sorry, I 've been sick since the plane, and also Im letting KAZU borrow my IMVU"

From that moment Im totally speechless... after so long of silence, the first thing he said isnt about "how are you", its explaining something he "did" with his imvu account. How pleasant.

I told him he dont need to explain, then he said "I know, Mary thought it was me xD"
Like hell I care what Mary thinks about it.

There are all lies, probably from the very start it was all a lie.

After that I checked back his IMVU profile, it says " Jack's away ~ Kazu is using this account"
I was like "what the fuck is he trying to play right now"

First off, he SAID he let Kazu use his account right? But then there's this Amber girl on his facebook, tagging his name in a status saying " Jack and I ~" stuffs like that, so, if Kazu is using his account, does that mean Kazu is imitating Jack talking to that so called Amber girl? ( Amber is a friend of Jack from IMVU as well, kinda like a bitch/attention seeker type )

OR

Is he just playing the role of two characters in IMVU ( yea right like that's an odd thing, who else know what kind of game he's trying to play now )

Second thing is when I tried to log back in and guess what?
Log in invalid, he changed his fucking password, and yet he told me I could log in if I want.

LIES, all fucking LIES.

Why on earth will he do that.... 1 year, a whole fucking year spending most of my everyday with him on my fucking phone, texting again and again, even my friends around me know how close am I to my phone when Im dating him.

Could he really be like " 没有就没有了，无所谓 "

说伤心都是骗人的吗？
一年的感情难道就这样说放下就放得下？

There's always a question mark on him that I can never understand.

I'd rather to hurt me from the start with the truth rather than slowly revealing little by little of yourself to me time by time.

根本就没有给我心理准备去接受这段relationship, its like I've been cheated over blindly all this while.

蠢死了，真的蠢死了
Why does the people I fall for always are the ones with complicated issues and complicated background?

Is it a curse? Gays, Bis, even Straight guys, Fuck you all complicated guys, move way for my real guy to come to me, Im waiting with wounds all over me waiting for him to come save my ass.

Im tired with all the dramas, hugs, kisses, cuddles, even the one who already done all that with you still choose to throw you away , calling you stupid and naive. Making my life even more miserable .

Fuck you guys, fuck myself, fuck my blindness, fuck my foolishness


You were right, proving everything you said was "logic" and true all this while. Being so arrogant . Not even trying to move forward to save our friendship, you never liked me, I was just a toy to you. Just a temporary illusion . You only gave up just trying 2 weeks, my target was to give us 3 months, and you already gave up just for the first 2 fucking weeks.

Bravo.

You win.

Well guess what fuckers, losing me will be your biggest regrets, you will never find someone who would be foolish enough to waste one whole year on someone they met online. And someone who secretly does sweet things for you in your hard times without you noticing.

Those brownies, those cuddling and comforting, those times we spent together, meant NOTHING to you at all. You impatient , arrogant, idiotic CAT !!

目中无人，自以为是，好胜，That's why I hate cats.

Im ignorant, Im naive, Im stupid, Im irritating.
Blame every fucking thing on me.

全部都是我自己拿来的。
不帮口就算了，也不用踩多我一脚 making me feel worst.

Only him

Jack and I broke up.

Right after our 1 year anniversary , well actually its a few days after our 1 year anniversary.

Reason?

I gave up.

Yes I choose to give up hope.

I know I've only waited a year, it's not really that long.

But a year dating someone across the world online, never talked more than an hour, never see each other's face on webcams before, so...

What else are we exactly ? 

What kind of relationship are we?

I was madly in love with him.

I think about him almost every second of the day.

I hope day by day, that he will come find me one day.

Vanish.

Everything vanish.

Do I still trust him? 

No... I dont think I do anymore, I bet I've already lose hope since a long time ago.

Im not convincing enough to make people around me believe that his love for me is real.

You know what?

I felt like a fool.

For believing there's hope.

I already knew he was nothing like how he said he was.

And I take it.

It never was a bother to me if its just the two of us.

But it will be a bother if its in between him and my friends and family.

Things wont be easy, people will see me differently.

Maybe they'll think Im a freak.

Maybe they'll think Im disgusting.

Maybe they'll think I was a liar all along.

So what?

Like I care.

But this is not about all the judgement I will face.

It's about the trust in between me and him.

He failed me not once, not twice, but several times. Until no more trust pieces left for him to break anymore.

so you tell me, how else can I trust him some more?

"I'll come find you"

Well, according to someone, he is in the same country as I am now.

But he didnt look for me, nor contact me, not even telling me all that by himself.

One more promise, broke.

I dont know what other words I can think of anymore, other than "disappointment" from you.

What about our Love?

I can tell you those arent made-up, those were real.

In fact, too real.

Too real until it scares me.

I know you loved me for real. You loved everything of me, the good and the bad. 

That's because I showed you everything.

What about you?

Did you show me everything ? 

I still feel cheated. Because you didnt give me a chance to decide whether to leave you or still be with you after I force you to tell me about yourself.

Thanks for that.

Hateful thoughts

I hate this feeling

I hate the fact that you judge him and choose not to respect him for who he is and who he wants to be
I hate the fact that you got mad at me just because I do not agree with you
I hate the fact that you judge me by saying im ignorant and naive just because I choose to trust him
I hate the fact that when you're hugging me you did not deny that you're actually missing your ex-girlfriend
I hate the fact that you always think you knows everything
I hate the fact that you always think you knows what's best
I hate the fact that even though you choose to stop this friendship by ending it blaming me as the problem
I hate the fact that after everything you could just throw me away like that

I tried to control
I tried to stop thinking
I tried not to think it like its a big deal

Those memories, short memories but we shared it with some of our deepest thoughts together
It's a waste for it to turn into just memories

Im not ignorant or naive
Im hopeful and positive
I'd rather choose to believe something good than predicting something bad

Judging people is your business
Holding on to my own thoughts is my business
That way we're both good

Like I said
Im just a temporary "toy" for you to play with to pass your desperate times.
I never was anything to you

NEVER.



Thank you for the happy memories , one last piece of advice
Dont be a coward, go talk to her if you still miss her, before everything is too late.
Its not worth to exchange your perfect-lover with your dignity.

Happenings + Sixth page of Love

Okay, it's been a long LONG while I know. Due to some Uni work deadline and shitty reasons , I didn't feel like updating my blog or anything about my life to anyone else, just like the feeling of wanting to shut myself out and go far far away.

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I'm gonna tell yall, Counting Stars by One Republic is about the right song to describe my current situation and current feeling.

I feel something so right, doing the wrong thing,
I feel something so wrong, doing the right thing,

I could lie, could lie, everything that kills me makes me feel alive.

***
So there ya go, why is it always like that to me? why couldn't I just think straight?

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Well guys, just to let yall know, I have finished my Uni for second year, at least I think I am, because there's no more classes going on anymore, and I've got my results , I gotta be honest it's not flying colours but at least I passed all of them. When I got my feedback for my essay I was feeling kinda down and upset and a little bit offended , why? first, because of my marks and secondly, I have been told I have poor grammar and poor English, and I've been asked to go for study support for my final year .

What the FUCK man?

I've been using English for almost my entire life, I know my English is not perfect nor not good, I also know I cant fight with your local languages, but SERIOUSLY ? Telling me I have poor English ?? jeez .....
I checked my essay for a few times before I submitted just to see if there's still any errors or anything, spelling or so, it's perfectly fine, Im not using short forms or anything, I admit I have grammar problems but not until the level which you call it POOR .

It's alright, it's okay, I take it, I'm a student, you're the expert here, say whatever shit you want, I'll just listen.

Other than that my other subjects are okay, got an okay mark, not the best but below that level, and Im satisfy. :)

I've been really slacking alot after my last day of Uni, I came back home and then boom, few days later I'll be in Scotland for a week, and after that I'll be flying to Newcastle to visit Baby and YouXian. Straight off 2 weeks away from Bristol.

It was okay in Scotland, spend hell lot, but it was fun when I visited Baby in Newcastle xD

After I came back from Newcastle , started resting myself, had a good amount of sleep and all, put away all my clothes and laundry aside, and put my stuffs away.

*****************
I thought about what I've done in that two weeks, in Scotland, I listen to Xindy's stories about her crush and some relationships problem, so I share some of mine with her too, all the online virtual relationships and the current relationship. She's a great friend to hang out with , we basically share the same interest and same taste, not all but some, which I find kinda funny .

Anyway, back to the story, Im home laying in my bed, I got bored, because probably Jack was sleeping or something, we werent talking at that time, I got bored and turned on my location service searching for places near by to go, after that I forgot to turn it off. Until the moment I remembered I checked my phone I have loads of random requests on wechat , so I turned off my location service and look at the requests. There's this guy I saw he's living in Bristol, and I thought hey maybe he's living near by, maybe we study the same Uni or something , so I approved his requested, not long later he replied and we started chatting.

His name is Dan, he's 25 year old and he is working as a software engineer in NHS (which I have no clue where is that, I know its a company nearby in Bristol. medical center or something like that) , he came out working right after college, which he said it was already for 5 years, and he likes dogs but prefer cats, he was born under a house full with ladies, his mom and 2 elder sisters, no father. He owns a motorbike ( HELL that's a really COOL motorbike !!its not a common scooter type , its the actual big engine , racing-look-alike kinda motorbike, damn cool man seriously) ,I can tell he is a mature guy( the way he talks), he's currently having Chinese night classes, he is tall, he is fair, he is a local, and he has green eyes, lol

Well the above information is a 3-4 days infos I got/know from him . We went out for a movie the after few days, just for a friendly greeting and all, after that he told me he likes me , and wants to meet me again and wants to know more about each other and stuffs.

What should I do ?!

Don't be silly, the first day we chat I already addressed him I have a boyfriend, Im dating someone, but guess what ? He told me to stop mentioning about Jack and he is going to pretend and ignore that he dont existed (WHAT ?!) Yea I know, the first night he wanted to hold my hand(in the cinema) but I refused, like a million times, through out the movie I said no. And he said I was being mean to him, I told him (more likely reminding him) that Im dating someone atm so I cannot agree to hold hands with him. Funny thing is, he asked me before doing it, like, he asked if we could have a hug, so I said yea sure, a friendly hug is okay, even holding hands he still asked me instead of pulling my hand straight away when I was swinging beside while we walk. So I guess he's a good guy, a gentleman , right? After the movie he walked me back and then he went home. He wants to meet up again the next day but I thought it was a little too rush? so I said no. And he start making all the sad faces and all, I was like "Aww dont do that", he's a nice guy, makes me feel bad for saying no to him, continuously . After half a day passed, I told him okay, we could have a short meet up for about an hour before he have to go to his Chinese class. So we met, we hugged, sat together and chit chat for an hour or so, just like we said before, I saw him ride his motorbike off to class, OMGOSH GUYS HE WAS SO COOL ON THE BIKE , no kidding.

So, after all that Dan stuffs, does Jack know?

Dont be silly, OF COURSE I TOLD JACK EVERYTHING. Duh?! Jack's my boyfriend, I'm not going to hide stuffs from him. Jack was kinda pissed at first, not at me, but at him, because I told him Dan likes me and he is currently 'kinda' chasing me.

Me: Are you jealous? or worry?
Jack: Of course Im jealous, because he is there and Im here (Australia), but I shouldnt be worry right?
Me: You shouldnt be worry about me, you should be worry about him(Dan)
Jack: I know.

Why would I say that?
I know myself, and I know Jack, we both talked out we will never cheat or do anything unappropriated behind each other, and will not lie or hide things from each other. I know that and I mean it.

Few days passed, he(Jack) didnt really mentioned about Dan or ask if he looked for me or anything.
Im thinking, doesnt he care?  I mean really, if you are in his situation, wont you want to know if Im talking to Dan or not or what? right? or am I the one who thinks he should pay a little more attention to this matter? Cause Dan is really doing his thing trying to impress me and get to me, like really chasing me as a guy. Im flattered with that, but to be honest, I really wish he would give up, because the more he approaches me the more I have to be mean to him , I have to say no because I cannot say yes( sounds odd but that's true), I have Jack but Dan is a really sweet guy, I really feel bad( and sometimes a fool) for saying no to him again and again.

Alright, another thing. Actually this month (June) Jack suppose to be coming over to see me, on the 6th June (he said), but one bad news came up when I was in Scotland, he got a call from his sister knowing about his mom got admitted to hospital, so he couldnt make it over. That phone call was 2 weeks away from 6th June. I thought everything will be okay and settle and Im still hoping that he will make it over . Too bad that's not happening. He let me down again....

After that he never update me when is the approximate date he can/able to come over to see me, he said sorry and all, told me he felt bad, blah blah all that stuffs, that moment I really really REALLY start to feel hopeless. I felt like its hopeless to get something from him.

It took me 1 month to tell him the complete truth about myself, but it took him 5 months, 5 whole months to tell me the complete truth about himself. 6 months to add his Skype/Facebook , 8 months to get his phone number, 9-10 months to make him say something(a.k.a hearing his voice), which is everything of those I have already told him and let him know for the first few months while we date.

We've passed 11 months now, finally get to talk on the phone, guess what's the longest time we talked on phone? 20 minutes. Well the phone bill is expensive, duh of course I know. And I understand, but come on la, seriously, WHY DONT HE F-ING FIX HIS INTERNET LINE IN HIS HOUSE AND HIS LAPTOP OR PHONE SO THAT WE COULD TALK FOR FREEEEE, ON SKYPE OR ON ANYTHING, do yall get the frustrations Im having ?? For real do yall really get the struggle I have right now ??

Now its only a few days till our one year anniversary , by right I should be cuddling with him right now and celebrating his birthday with him in person and hold hands together, cuddling in the movies , cooking together , and all that lovey dovey stuffs that couples do. But he is F-ing stuck in Sydney taking care of his mom. I really really REALLY dont mind him not coming, but after letting me down and not giving me another answer /solution , I mean at least letting me know what's his next plan would be a great start for another hope , right?? So I dont need to feel like Im waiting so blindly for him.

Im so tired..... so hopeless.... so disappointed....do something Jack.... please, before someone else take me away and completely lose hope on you.......

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sixth page of love? hopeless.

Happenings + Fifth page of Love

What up people !
It's been awhile since my last update, I know, I KNOW ~~~~
Something happened since my last update, like really, something BIG and LIFE changing happened to me. At least that's what I think of.

As you can see, I skipped from Third page of Love to Fifth page of Love, where is the Forth page of Love then? lol great question, it's under my draft list :P I was meant to post something up but then I've been dragging day by day and slowly, I forgot what I was suppose to type /post , so I just left it in the draft list. But no worries, I'll talk about a little bit about what's happening on Forth page of Love in a while.

Well, Its 2014 now ! (Obviously, its already February) and I'm in my second year/second semester now :D  and in the second semester of my course, we are given an opportunity of 2 pathways to continue in either Illustration or Animation Option module, that means I can do animation course for my second semester, how cool is that xD and by the decisions I made this time, I can choose to finish my final year (year 3) in either Illustration or Animation, If I choose to go to Animation to do my final year, my degree will be Degree in Illustration & Animation ; and if I choose to go back to Illustration , my degree will be Degree in Illustration only. I'm thinking of continuing my final year doing Animation, it's digital base after all, I still love animation. (Actually I kinda regret why I didnt listen to my dad about doing animation in the first place. Screw myself really. ) And guess what? Because of this I've been getting closer to Kim and Bethan :D because they are doing Animation Option as well, how great is that xD

So, how's my life here?
My life here is pretty good actually. As Phyl( or Winson, he decides to change his name) said I am an Introvert . Meaning, I like being alone but doesn't like being lonely and do not like to entertain long hours and do not like to hangout in a huge crowd. Basically its true. Anyway, I made new friends in this new semester, not only that, I'm kinda getting use to saying hi to random people, smiling to strangers along the hall way, helping strangers in need, well I meant in Uni, still not doing so well on the streets, haha, I guess I'm okay with it for now.

I've been going out with Seraphine quite alot last month, and she stayed over at my place too, she's been telling me about her crush and all, interesting, but sometimes gets on my nerves because she still need some advice on how to deal with feelings and such, I personally doesnt like her so-called crush of hers that much, because I think that guy should be a mature man to set things right between Seraphine and himself. That's just my opinion, sometimes I feel pity for her, but the good thing about Seraphine is she never stop smiling and laughing, that's what I like about her/hanging out with her, we can be so stupid and silly sometimes, lol she is definitely my first ever best-friend since I came to Bristol. A friend that I want to hangout with, a friend who I can call anytime to meet with, feels great :)

Okay my projects, this semester, I have currently 3 projects, one is the pro practice project with Alex, and second is the animation option module project (task to create a 90 seconds short animation clip/film) , and third  is this visual culture essay (also the one project I pay very least attention to) I hope I could handle them all well/on time, because my last minute bad habit still hasn't change yet, Jack's been mumbling about it a last 2 weeks :I (sorry ! that's just how I brought up to be, screw you M'sia ! I'll change :I )

Well, life's update so far for now, Oh and I will be updating a new blog for my Pro Prac project, documenting my artwork and such, its different compare to Deviantart, my Deviantart is too messy :I
I'm gonna put up the link at the side once the new blog is up :)

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Okay ! Love life, my love life .... Hmmm, don't really how should I start or where should I start, but I'll try my best to get things summarize as possible, for my Forth page of Love.

The last thing I mentioned about my love life in here is Jack and I going out and such, on IMVU, and now we've been keeping contact into more social media network, like Skype and  Facebook , Skype only lasted a few weeks, after we added each other's Facebook, we talked/chat more often on FB. And frankly , now we didnt go on IMVU anymore, and plus we had a huge fight after I came back to Bristol from the Christmas break in Msia. We argued big time, and I kinda broke down quite hard by that time, I deleted my precious IMVU-Zen's account, even though I told him after I dated him I seldom went on to Zen's account but then so happen everytime he thinks I'm always sneaking onto Zen's account while he's not online/around. I mean come on, really?? I went on Zen almost everyday back then, doesnt mean that Im talking to anyone, and plus I already stop talking to every close friend I have on Zen's account, I bet now they are wondering where the hell did Zen go. Doesnt matter, something just have to end, I know Zen's ending someday too.

One thing is for sure that Jack has the power to make me delete Zen's account once and for all, I can tell that he's the one for me. If I wasnt serious about him I wouldnt give a shit if he said he's jealous about me going on Zen's account.

Anyway ~~~ I found out something about Jack, like a huge secret of his, that I have suspected before but I never want to believe or search the answer for, well , he told me, last year, after our 5th month, I was kinda shock and doesnt really want to believe it, its not because I couldnt accept what he told me, its because I couldnt accept him keeping it from me after we've been going out for almost half a year, I mean really, I love him so much that everything aside its just a bonus, I love him for him, not how or who he is.
The only thing Im worrying about is my family pressure that'll put on him, he deserve something better, I dont want him to take any pressure from my family... I just hope my family will understand .

I totally accept everything about him, not even a single thing I thought about that I couldn't accept, because I love him, so much . If I don't have the family pressure behind me, I would be so happy to tell my parents everything about it without worrying about if they refuse me to be with him.

Well, the last thing about our IMVU life is, he proposed to me ♥ I gotta tell ya, even though its just a virtual proposal, you will still felt like you've grown up a little and taking responsibilities in this relationship, Im really touched ♥

And so far, we haven't really get into voice call/ webcam chats yet, as expected like always, still type chatting. But we did exchange our phone numbers, so that we could text each other when Im outside without any internet, but now I sign up a phone plan with my UK number that has unlimited internet access, so I can go on to facebook and talk to him anytime, but sometimes when the internet is stuffing up we still text one and other.

He wakes me up every morning ♥ although sometimes I get grumpy because of that, but get to think of it, getting to wake your lover / being wake by your love is one of the sweetest things you can ever experience ♥ Thank you for staying with me all this while Boo, even though Im so hard to handle >_< ♥ But as long as you know no matter how grumpy I get, I still love you ♥ Sometimes I got busy, and didnt have enough time for him , he'll get upset and pout , LOL how cute ♥♥♥ I told him I'll try to make time for him as much as possible, because I still have to go to Uni, and such, I might not have 24 hours for him.

We talked out (after a fight too ) about how much alone time I need for my work and for myself, and we agree on everything, giving each other some alone time sometimes, but still get to talk to each other everyday , saying good morning, welcome home and good night to each other ♥ that's just so sweet to do ♥

Oh and Valentines just passed 2 days ago, I made him a Date Jar and a Valentines card I designed myself, and I sent it along with some little gifts I bought for him from UK, hope he'll receive them sooner or later xD Im so excited ! Because I didnt tell him I sent something to him :x its a surprise ~~~ It cost me about £40+ in total for 2 package/parcel to sent our to Australia, because one package its to heavy (over 2kg) , it'll cost me £60-70 if I insisted to send it in one package. I chose the express mail, hope it'll arrive soon.

One thing that pisses me off is he doesnt know his own address, I end up have to ask for his friend's address in order to give it to him, I sent it to his friend's house, and his friend will take it to him, just like his mom send things to him, well thanks to his sister Mary, I got the address and did all the sendings. I just hope my jar is still in one piece when it reaches there >___<


Well, so far that's it guys ! I'll try to keep things updated ! Just ask me anything if you feel like it :D Once again, I miss you guys so much !! Wynd, Phyl/Winson/ Yiling !  and of course my family (especially my dogs ) so much too ♥ haha